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Feelings

zaynab_5zaynab_5 Everyone's fave midget :)LondonPosts: 1,531 Extreme Poster
So basically I am trying to get over this guy...

We started talking last year in March when lockdown happened. He added me as someone posted me because it was my birthday and my username was mentioned. I firstly saw this guy on my instagram and I found him good looking. A few days after he added me, he popped up to me and said what my name was, what school I've been to, and so on. I found this guy attractive so I just entertained it.
We've been talking consistently from then and when each day have gone by our connection kept getting stronger and I got attached. And we liked each other so we started to be a thing (we weren't in a relationship). We facetimed each other almost everyday and he was always making me laugh, thoughtful, supporting me through my rough times, and he appreciated me. He always asked what I was doing and was my family doing well. He always made me feel happy.
So after four months of talking, we decided to meet each other in real life. When I saw him I was so excited and he was as well, he gave me the tightest hug. We were walking and talking and in real life things was so much better with him. He bought me food and we ate together in a park, I was sitting on his lap and we were having a laugh. Everything just felt so right with him and that day was so fun.
After that we talked more and more and because I was busy as I wasn't at home and I was staying at all my cousins' houses, I didn't get to meet him for another two months, so we just continued facetiming each other and sending memes to each other on instagram. He kept complimenting me every time I posted a picture of myself and I kept complimenting him as well. My feelings for him grew stronger and I've started to have strong feelings for him.
The second time we met up in real life was when I started college, and when we met up that time, things were going good as well. We were walking and talking again ad having a laugh together. This time I bought food for the both of us and we went to a park again and ate there. I shared so much with him and he did as well, we were super close. He comforted me when I was in pain (I was on my period lol) and I was like damn this guy really does care for me.
After that, I wasn't on socials for a week I felt like I needed a break from it as I was positive for coronavirus. 24/7 this guy would always check up on me, asking me if I'm feeling okay and he wanted to make sure if I was having medicines on time, he really cared for my mental and physical health. He would always keep me happy, and he would always check if I'm physically okay. He was nothing like my ex boyfriend, he was so unique and different. He was always communicating with me and he was so considerate, my ex didn't talk to me regularly. So I eventually fell in love with him.

So the third time we met each other was the bad part. We met up, things were normal, we had a laugh and on that day I wanted to express my feelings for him, until I was suspicious because he went to another guy and I saw him exchanging something with him. He told me to wait somewhere, I've listened to him. Later I asked him what did he give to that guy and what did that guy give him, then he told me not to worry. He took me somewhere (I'm not going to give specific details as it is very sensitive information). I asked him why did he bring me here and then he was like because it is very private. I trusted him :'( . I realised that he exchanged drugs with that guy and then he wanted me to take it. I was like I never done drugs in my life, I don't want to take it and because I refused he forced it in my mouth. I was intoxicated. And because of that, he took advantage of me physically (again I'm not going to give specific details as it's sensitive info) to a point where I became traumatised. While this was happening, I was crying, I was screaming for help but no one heard me because I think where he took me was sound proof. I kept asking him why was he doing this to me, what did I ever do to him etc. I felt so trapped, and I felt so weak because of the drugs so it was really hard for me to get him off me. It was the most shocking thing that ever happened to me. He was making evil faces. I eventually hit him hard with my hands and told him that he was the devil and said lots of more bad things to him and I was swearing at him. He just shouted "pattern up", which meant fix yourself. I started running for my life.
While I was going home I didn't know where I was going, I was fully buzzed. I kept going in different directions and I couldn't see where I was going. I kept hearing voices on the way and my mouth was so dry, I was so scared because it felt like my mouth was closing up. I was so stressed and I kept feeling delusional.

Because of him I went hospital. Because of him I was going through depression and PTSD. Because of him I was going through psychosis. Because of him I attempted to kill myself. Because of ONE GUY I have a mental illness. He destroyed my life. I kept hearing voices saying that he was good for me and that he is my soulmate, and I kept telling these voices to back off and telling it that it isn't true. If he was good for me, he wouldn't have done that to me. I kept thinking why did he make me feel loved when his intention was to use me at the end. I couldn't sleep at all and I didn't eat properly. I was heartbroken.

Till this day I always think about him, about how his personality was. I really wanted to know if he was being real or not. I miss him so much just because of how he was like before he done that to me. I wish to have a guy like him except the bad parts about him. But he done me wrong, so I'm like to myself I can do way better, I shouldn't think of him when I know he's going to get punished. But the memories keep coming up. Mostly the good memories, and everyday I cry for him because of how he treated me before that happened. But I always see the good in him and most of the times I refuse to see the bad in him. Sometimes I blame myself because I feel like if I expressed my feelings out to him before, he wouldn't have done that to me.

So what should i feel for him? How can i forget him and move on because that is what i want. I'm trying my best to move on from him but it doesn't work. I need help.
lovemimoonLorryTruckPast UserPast User

Comments

  • ApolloApollo Teenage Dirtbag ScotlandPosts: 653 Incredible Poster
    This guy sounds like one of the most genuinely evil people I have ever heard of.

    I'm really sorry this happened to you, you deserve so much better and it's brave of you to talk about this. You mentioned that you sometimes blame yourself because you didn't tell him your feelings before this happened, I think you know that it's not your fault but it absolutely 100% was not.

    Honestly I don't know how to move on from people, but when you begin remembering the good times you had remember how horrible he really was (if that doesn't feel like too much) you deserve someone so much better and so does literally everyone on the planet. Even if he seemed nice at first that's not who he is, if he was nice this wouldn't have happened, he's manipulative and horrible.

    Obviously how you feel about him isn't 100% in your control but you can impact it.

    You should stop talking to this guy if you haven't already. Block him on everything, he's really bad news. You can try partaking in your hobbies, watching shows, talking to friends, anything to take your mind off of him. There's no way to do this overnight unfortunately, it is going to be difficult but in time things get a little easier. Also don't feel bad if it takes you longer than normal to get over this guy, this situation is really messed up and it's normal that it would take your brain a longer time to recover from something so damaging.

    I genuinely can't express how terrible it is that you had to go through something like this. I hope you feel better in time.
    🎵 I feel so funny these days, I'd rather sleep than stay awake 🎵
    zaynab_5
  • zaynab_5zaynab_5 Everyone's fave midget :) LondonPosts: 1,531 Extreme Poster
    Apollo wrote: »
    This guy sounds like one of the most genuinely evil people I have ever heard of.

    I'm really sorry this happened to you, you deserve so much better and it's brave of you to talk about this. You mentioned that you sometimes blame yourself because you didn't tell him your feelings before this happened, I think you know that it's not your fault but it absolutely 100% was not.

    Honestly I don't know how to move on from people, but when you begin remembering the good times you had remember how horrible he really was (if that doesn't feel like too much) you deserve someone so much better and so does literally everyone on the planet. Even if he seemed nice at first that's not who he is, if he was nice this wouldn't have happened, he's manipulative and horrible.

    Obviously how you feel about him isn't 100% in your control but you can impact it.

    You should stop talking to this guy if you haven't already. Block him on everything, he's really bad news. You can try partaking in your hobbies, watching shows, talking to friends, anything to take your mind off of him. There's no way to do this overnight unfortunately, it is going to be difficult but in time things get a little easier. Also don't feel bad if it takes you longer than normal to get over this guy, this situation is really messed up and it's normal that it would take your brain a longer time to recover from something so damaging.

    I genuinely can't express how terrible it is that you had to go through something like this. I hope you feel better in time.

    Thank you so much honestly. And yes I very well know that this isn't my fault and I still can't believe that he was like that at the end. I don't talk to him anymore as I am not allowed to and I'm glad I'm not because I know my worth and I don't want him anymore. I'm just struggling with moving on from him. But thank you for the tips!
    lovemimoonApollo
  • ApolloApollo Teenage Dirtbag ScotlandPosts: 653 Incredible Poster
    It's okay that you're struggling, it's tough, but we're always here when you need us
    🎵 I feel so funny these days, I'd rather sleep than stay awake 🎵
    zaynab_5
  • jemuzingjemuzing Posts: 2 Confirmed not a robot
    What he did to you in the begining when he was nice is called love bombing..it might help if you read up on this. Im very sorry you went through this experience but, ots very good to talk about it and learn about it..you arent alone,im sure there are other people this has happened to and it may be helpful to find a support group, this was a rape and also a form domestic violence, there are womens centers all over the U.S. that have free counseling and there is a 1800 number you can call i will look it up and add it to this post. 1-800-799-safe (7933). You can also lookup domestic violence hotline and find thewebsite it wouldnt let me postthelink
    zaynab_5
  • zaynab_5zaynab_5 Everyone's fave midget :) LondonPosts: 1,531 Extreme Poster
    @jemuzing after he raped me I've immediately called the London rape crisis centre, they gave me support and they suggested that I should go to the GP straight away as it significantly affected my mental health as well because of the hallucinations and delusions. They provided the best support and I am a bit glad I went hospital because they gave the best treatment and my symptoms significantly decreased. I'm still struggling sometimes and I'm still recovering, but the medication I'm on and the support I'm getting from professionals (for example my care coordinator, social worker and my college's mental health adviser) really helps with my recovery. I am also learning about consent, CSE and all that stuff in my NSPCC meetings, so that's helpful as I can gain more knowledge about it.
    Thank you for the advice! I'll lookup the domestic violence hotline as there may be useful resources and I can learn more about it.
    LorryTruck
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