Fear of Abandonment in BPD

Former Member

I find myself constantly seeking validation from the people around me. Although I rarely ask for it as I constantly fear becoming annoying and then they leave me. Especially with my FP (favourite person). I get such an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anger when I see them spending time with their other friends or with their partners. I know that logistically it is irrational for me to want all of their attention, but I'm always just terrified that they're going to abandon me for someone else. I'm terrified to speak to them about it because what if they think I'm weird for wanting more attention, or if they think I'm annoying or creepy.

Does anyone else experience this overthinking? Especially around friends, family, or particularly a FP if you have one.

Former Member

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with all this @Past User I've gone through my own share of abandonment issues and so it's understandable that you're feeling so overwhelmed by all this, it's a very difficult thing to go through. Learning to curb your overthinking is a big part of different forms of therapy, my mother is currently doing a mindfulness course that focuses on living in the moment and that's helped her an awful lot with her own issues.

You also mentioned that you're scared to talk to your friend about these feelings and while I can't exactly speak for them I think that they would want to hear about things that are making you feel so bad. For example if your friend said to you that they were struggling with these kinds of feelings would you feel that they were being annoying or would you want to do what you could to help them feel better?

Whatever you decide to do in the end I truly hope you're able to feel calmer and happier about this whole thing, and please keep us up to date with how things are going, that's what the boards are for after all.

Former Member

Hey!
I definitely relate. I've been through my own series of abandonment issues and I was always afraid of losing people. One day I actually did lose the people I didn't want to lose (my absolute worst fear at the time) but what helped me was that I've always gained new amazing people after I've lost those I didn't want to lose. And some people stayed and never left!

What I'm trying to say is that it can quite literally be the most frightening thing and it doesn't help when the people you least want to lose turn around and say your fear of losing people will be your greatest downfall (at least that's what I was told). In essence, that person wasn't being very nice or understanding.

What took me a long time to realise was that people come and go but you will always have you and oftentimes the fear stems from something much deeper than what it appears. Things like therapy are very useful because someone can sit with you and unpick the reasons for your feelings, which helps overcome the fear! It's a very real fear so I completely empathise and I hope no one ever has to go through that, but this fear often comes with feelings of not being enough, which you are and here's a huge reminder!

At the end of the day we all have to remember that as unbelievable as it may be sometimes, we are wholly and completely enough. We deserve to be loved. Some of us need more reassurance than others but the ones who truly care and truly love and deserve you stay with you always. This is no fault of your own. You are not a burden. You are not too much. Anyone who thinks so doesn't deserve you, trust me. Most importantly, we can't please everyone because there are 7.9 billion people in the world, each with their own unique perspective, and that's okay!

I hope this helps and that you feel comfortable enough to ask for the reassurance your vulnerable and precious heart often craves and needs! And as much as you can, try to trust others when they tell you they aren't going anywhere because trust is vital to any relationship or friendship.

Hugs