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I am 22 years old and am scared no one will ever love me.
When I was 16 years old my mother told me to get married to someone I didn't like and I did not want to as I had a boyfriend and wanted to go to university. I remember being in my final year at college and having to hide the fact that I was applying to go to university from my own mum. She continued to talk about me getting married to this older man even though I said I did not want to.
When I was 17 I remember wanting to run away but instead went to my boyfriend. I thought I would be safe with him and wanted him to know about my situation. I was so upset I cried most of that night and it ended up with him sexually assaulting me and then later raping me.
At first, I couldn't believe what had happened and was confused about it. I eventually managed to tell the police but it was never taken seriously. I was told by the officer taking my statement that it sounds like I wanted it. To make things worse my mum told me that I deserved it and that no one was going to want to be with me now.
I never had any support and it was horrible for me to deal with it alone. My way of coping with what had happened to me was to meet random men and have sex. I sometimes don't know why I did that. I didn't do this for long and my life eventually got better and I started to feel like I was normal.
Until recently, in August I was sexually assaulted. I originally ignored it but I couldn't do it for long this time and my thoughts and memories are becoming confusing and I feel like I am going mad sometimes as I see and feel bits and pieces from both incidents but can not remember certain details.
The worse thing about this recent incident is I have become scared of people touching me. Sometimes being around people just annoys/irritates me.
I am so scared I might never ever be able to experience being in a loving relationship and If I do how do I tell that person what I have been through.