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I want to jus let it out (trigger warning)

SkyeSkye Posts: 103 The Mix Convert
**trigger warning violence and suicide

It's taking every ounce of my strength to type it down. I've been carrying all these for years now and I'm tired. I've never shown this side of me to anyone and I'm scared to post it here too but I think I need to let it out to move on. Here are some incidents that keeps haunting me and give me nightmares till this day.

(1) I was probably 5 or 6 around that time. There were lots of issues going with the family. One day while having dinner my mom just says to my dad "I can't take it anymore why can't you just bring some poison and kill all of us including yourself" my mother wanted me and my sister dead too

(2) my dad constantly reminding me all through my life that how much of a burden I am and how much better off he would be without me. That I have nothing but brought problems in his life. I'm a curse to his family

(3) I was probably 11, I loved my mom way too much, one day she tired to kill herself by overdosing and I was right there I didn't stop her.. I couldn't.. my feets were frozen to ground. My sister stopped her. I did nothing.

(4) my dad tried to kill my mom.. strangling her. Again I did nothing. I sat sat there, holding back tears. I could have tried to stop him but I was scared. Everytime I think about it I want to die with guilt.

There are so many more incidents I wanted to write but rn I'm literally crying so hard that I can't see anything through the tears. It's bringing back too many bad memories. I'll probably write another part later.
Won't you come over and watch the stars with me?

Comments

  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,611 Legendary Poster
    Hey @Skye,

    I’m so, so glad you felt able to write this here and let it out - I really understand how scary it is posting things on here especially such personal things like this. But you’ve done so well and I’m proud of you (you should be proud of yourself as well).

    I’m afraid I don’t have much advice or anything for you, but one thing sticks out to me. It sounds like you feel guilty a lot with regards to incidents 3 and 4, but I think it’s important you know that everyone reacts to that sort of situation differently. When we’re faced with a situation like this one, we tend to either fight, fly, or freeze. It’s human nature and any of these reactions are ok - a lot of people think they should try to fight when actually sometimes we freeze to protect ourselves. Which is ok too and not something you can really control in that moment. It’s so easy to feel guilty afterwards but I want you to know your reaction was totally ok and you didn’t do anything wrong.

    You’re always welcome to keep posting on here, you did a great thing there and we’re always here to listen to and support you <3
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • SkyeSkye Posts: 103 The Mix Convert
    @independent_ thank you so much but the thing is guilt never goes away. Like when I say no one saved me when the darkness engulfed me how could I expect anyone to. I didn't save them when I had the opportunity then why would they. If it weren't for my sister I would had already lost my family. I could have saved everyone. I should have. But I didn't so I shouldn't expect them to save me. It's very selfish of me to even think that they should save me.
    Won't you come over and watch the stars with me?

  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Hey Skye, it sounds like you've had some unbelievably rough times. The kind of things an adult shouldn't deal with, let alone a child. You shouldn't feel guilty at all, but I understand how difficult that probably is for you. So if I can try my best to temper some of those negative feelings with positive - you've suffered your lifetimes worth of hardships already and then some, and still somehow, you've turned into a kind, empathetic and frankly brilliant person.

    I'm proud of you for writing as are many others I imagine. Regardless of what you need to get out or if you have to fight through tears to do so, we'll be hear to listen because you deserve that compassion. :)

    How are you feeling after posting this?
  • SkyeSkye Posts: 103 The Mix Convert
    @Supernova thank you. I'm not sure how I feel. I just want to curl up and vanish. I'm not used to sharing stuff specially stuffs like these. I don't know if vulnerable is the right word for what I feel but I just dunno how to explain
    Won't you come over and watch the stars with me?

  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    That's perfectly understandable @Skye . And again you should be so proud of yourself for having posted this. <3

    I think perhaps exposed / laid bare is a better way to describe it? Coping with such hardships and negative feelings for a long time takes a lot out of a person. But it does become almost natural after a while, and if that means coping alone and putting on a brave face for others, then the thought of changing that and talking openly can be pretty horrifying.
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 446 Listening Ear
    Hi there @Skye ,

    I’m so sorry you had to go through this, it’s not something a kid should ever experience, if you don’t mind me asking whats your situation like now, are you still living with your parents and sister?

    You are so brave to be talking about this, so that’s already something you should be really proud of :) moving on is a process and you’ve taken a massive step towards that

    Although I don’t know how you feel, I can relate, my mother was rather similar and I really feel for you, I wish I could just give you a hug and make it all better

    How are you dealing with your nightmares, they must be pretty scary?

    And just another questions, if it’s ok to ask, Does your dad treat your sister the same way?

    I also just want to say, you did absolutely nothing wrong when your feet froze, nothing at all, my feet froze like that when my mother was attacking my sister or ran across a busy road, I couldn’t move them, I couldn’t do anything and I beat myself up over it for years, I felt extremely guilty and kept telling myself I should have done something, but you know what Skye, we should never have been put in a situation like that

    Always here for you <3

  • SkyeSkye Posts: 103 The Mix Convert
    Thank you @Distraction as for the situation it's quite up and down. It just all depends on my dad moods, it could be a great day one minute but the next it could just turn into the worst. I am still living with my parents but my sister is in and out. She was gone for a year and back now but will be fine after a few months.

    I do not have any prescribed meds for the nightmares. So what I do is to stay up till late at night until I'm super tired and sleepy and then fall in a deep dreamless sleep. This isn't a healthy way to deal with it but it works fine for me.

    My dad doesn't treat my sister like that. My sister is my dad's favourite person. He treats her like a princess. Not me tho. He doesn't like me much and I'm kinda fine with it.

    I'm sorry you had to go through stuff with your mom and sister. I'm here for you too ♡
    Won't you come over and watch the stars with me?

  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 446 Listening Ear
    Hi @Skye , good to hear from you!

    Hows your relationship with your sister, you guys close at all or chat much?

    if it works and you get some sleep, at least that something :)

    Just know that you're one special person and remember you are worth so much, you are you and no one can take that away

    Thanks! We all have to stick together here
  • SkyeSkye Posts: 103 The Mix Convert
    @Distraction me and my sister is alright like we have inside jokes, we make fun of each other, like all the other siblings. But when it comes to the deep or family related stuff we pretend it never happened and we have perfect family
    Won't you come over and watch the stars with me?

  • LaineLaine Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Sending hugs! ❤️

    Glad you're able to reach out to us here and we'll always listen :)

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "This is my family. I found it, all on my own.
    It's little, and Broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good." ~ Stitch

    "Lately, I've been struggling with all the simple things in my life" ~ Cian Ducrot

    "I don't know if it's because my heart hurts or I'm insecure" ~ Juice Wrld
  • SkyeSkye Posts: 103 The Mix Convert
    ig I'm finally ready to continue what I started here. It's gonna be more like a story- my story- than just incidents remember. So here I go

    When I think back the first thing I remember is our bad financial condition. So there was this one particular time when we had nothing edible the house. Me and sister we were really young. Our dad was ghosting on us because he didn't had any money. Mom didn't had a job back then. Dad came home and cursed me and my sister for being born (as if it was our choice) and had a huge argument with mom and in the end my mom had to sell her jewelry just to keep our stomach full. I know I shouldn't but to this day I feel guilty just for existing. When I was 10 I wanted to kill myself because that mean one less stomach to fill and one less person to use money on. I wanted to die just so my family can have a better life. Our financial condition is a lot better now.

    A year ago my parents had this another huge argument and father end up hitting my mom. I still remember how my father voice loud shaky voice, I had never seen him that angry. I was hiding on the roof, watching the moon, crying my eyes out, having panic attacks because I was so scared that they may end up killing each other but I didn't have the strength to stop them. After the argument they both locked themselves the room and didn't came out for days. They didn't eat anything or even drink water for all those days and neither did I. I couldn't live with myself. I was so close to killing myself but I didn't.

    When I found out I have depression I tried to talk to my parents about it and the straight away refused to believe it. Because they believe they are the perfect parents and they ashamed of having a child with some mental illness. I never expected them to anyways. I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADD and BPD but I don't have any therapist or consular or any kind of medication. God knows how I have survived for so long.

    My lovely perfect parents also refused to pay for my education because I choice what I want to study myself. They had my sis enrollment in one the best university of the country (I'm not from UK) whereas declined me from enrolling in local community college. And now I am homescholled (that doesn't mean they teach me, I study on my own).They didn't even bought the books for me I had to ask my uncle for it. The shit town I live in doesn't even have any job for 16 year old girls which means I cannot pay for college myself. At this point I really have no future. When I asked my dad for some money so I can atleast get some subscription for online classes he said, as I quote, "I will not help you, I would have if you didn't decided to go against me. Now you have suffer for the decision you made" Dad I just made a basic life decision I didn't mean to go against anyone.
    As much as I know my dad I understand why he wanted me to select a particular subject. The reason is to compare me with my sister and remind me that I'll never be as good as she is. And I know that. She is amazing at everything and I'm not and I even want to. She studies at one the best places in country whereas I would have ended up in some local school and my dear dad would have compared us and that's so unfair. But again nothing has been fair in my entire life.

    My mom hates my dad. I can see the venom on her tongue when she talks about him. So she ended up having an affair. She talked to her lover with oh-so-sweet voice that she never used for my dad. No one knew of her affair except me and I didn't knew what to do. I didn't want to tell my dad becuz it'll completely destroy the family and I do not want to be the one to do it. So I confronted my mom and she fucking brushed it off as it was nothing. She was destroying two families because of the affair and it was nothing for her. A few months ago her lover broke the things off with her and she literally cried for him and begged him for forgiveness. And that made me happy. I feel horrible for being happy because my mom was sad but I just can't help it. And now she has 3 fucking boyfriends while she is married and has 2 grown ass children. I cannot believe the audacity of this women.
    (I'm sorry for the language but I can't help it just writing about it is making me a lot angrier than I expected)

    I think I have done far more damage to the family my keeping them together. That's what I've done my entire life, tried to act like the glue of the family but now I've realized what a fool I was. And now they aren't letting each other go and just turning things toxic and there's nothing I can do about it. But the thing is I don't hate my parents for anything they have done or doing. I just can't hate them. I love them, I always will, no matter how fucked-up they are.

    It's a long post and I don't know if anyone's gonna read it till there but if someone did I just want to thank them. It means a lot to me. I never imagined showing this side of me to anyone but here I am and I'm proud of myself.
    Won't you come over and watch the stars with me?

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