Should I break it off?

Former Member

Hi all, I am 23 years old and looking for some advice

Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 18 months

Long story short, she has always been on the implant contraception, and she had to get it taken out and get a new one in as it was the end of its term. When she got the new one in it killed her sex drive entirely, this is causing issues with our intimacy as you can imagine, we have sex about once every other month, and was starting to take a toll on my mental health as I felt unwanted.

I have tried to discuss it with her for the last 6 months or so multiple times, and she just kinda says "I dont want to do anything about it, its my body" which I totally agree with and wouldnt want her to do anything shes uncomfortable with or pressure her. So just last week I asked her if she was certain she didnt want to try to find a solution as our relationship and my mental health are taking a toll and she said she was certain. At this point I chose to break up with her.

The day after I have broken up with her, she has said that she is willing to remove the implant and try and see if we can get back together. My thought process is, and im not sure if this is selfish or not, that why did it take for me to get to breaking point for her to take my feelings seriously?

Most other parts of the relationship were pretty good.

Im really confused and lost as to what to do on this one, any advice is appreciated.

Former Member

Hi David

I don't think girls can fully understand a guy's sexual need (and how it influence our being as a whole), just as we as guys will never will be able to fully understand a girl's emotional needs.
I always try and explain it to my female friend's by comparing it with hunger. You get hungry, you eat but after a while the hunger comes back again. When one is hungry you struggle to concentrate, you become grumpy and your general functioning is down.

I don't think it is ever right to expect anything from our partners. I feel that we give freely to one another without being pushed. That's why it is so important to explain to one another how we think, feel and operate (that's very different from just telling our wants and needs). I think that, the more we understand how the other person works, the more we will want to treat them in a way that they wanted us to.

Having said all of this, I think you must give your girl friend another chance. as I have said before, I think most girls do not understand the sexual need of guys. Perhaps she understands a bit better now. But I still think you must put more effort into explaining male sexuality to her.

I fully understand that girls do not want to have sex as much as we do. Let's be honest - if someone has never experienced the sex-drive of a man, they will never be able too understand how we can easily have three orgasms per day, 7days a week, 365 days a year. It is just normal that they will think such a person is a freak. They certainly will not understand how little boys learn that holding their penises produces hormones that calm them down when they are anxious and it stays true through out their lives. Most of them don't know that most boys masturbate anything between once every 3'rd day to once or more per day. Many boys have been doing this since 9, 10 or 11 or even earlier. Men are to shy to be honest about it. They are afraid of what women will think of them

I think one of our biggest problems is that we, as men, do not understand our sexuality ourselves - how can we then expect women to understand it? Men loves joking about sex but we are afraid of having real discussions about it. I think it is very important for us as men to learn as much as possible about our sexuality and then explain it to women as best we can (I am preaching to myself here). Women are remarkable beings - capable of extreme empathy. The better they understand us, the more they want to treat us in a way that will be best for us.

Just a last remark. I think women relaxes a lot if they realise that we do not always have to have full on sex. Helping us with their hands and leaving full on sex for more special times is totally okay. We've been doing it with our hands since we were little - we are totally comfortable with that.

JustV

At this point I chose to break up with her.

Did your girlfriend know breaking up was a possibility before it happened @Past User?

I'm wondering if this came as a bit of a shock to her system and, now she realises your relationship is at steak, she's re-evaluated the situation and what she's prepared to do.

My thought process is, and im not sure if this is selfish or not, that why did it take for me to get to breaking point for her to take my feelings seriously?

It's not selfish to look out for your own interests.

One thing I would say, is try not to think of it as your girlfriend not taking your feelings seriously. Having sex when you don't want to is very, very difficult. She might be taking your feelings seriously and also not see a way out of her own situation - both of these things can be true at the same time.

It's worth zooming out a bit and making sure you're maintaining a healthy perspective on this conflict. You have a very natural need - sexual contact. And your girlfriend has a need too, which is not having sexual contact. From her perspective, it might seem as though you're putting your needs above hers, and she might also be wondering why you're not taking her needs seriously.

I'm not saying that's the case (you quite rightly said in your post that you wouldn't want her to do anything she doesn't want to), but flipping things round like this can be a good way to make sure we're not making assumptions about why someone is acting a certain way.

Also, keep in mind this probably wasn't an easy or simple decision for her to make, which might be why it took you breaking up for her to consider it. Taking an implant out - or any changes to contraception - can be a pretty big deal because it has so many physical and mental effects. And if your girlfriend's sex drive is bottomed out right now, the thought of having sex in the future (even if she knows she might get her sex drive back) might be a grim prospect.

I guess what I'm getting at is that this might have been a bigger decision for her than it seems from an outside perspective. So even if it seems like she changed her mind very suddenly, don't underestimate what it might have taken for her to get there.

I realise this is a long reply - sorry about that! To answer your question, I guess it's a decision only you can make. If you were with this person for 18 months and the cause of the breakup is fixable, it might be worth giving it a shot. Or at least having an open conversation about it.

It is just normal that they will think such a person is a freak.

I would challenge some of what you said here @Past User. For some women, sex is a bigger a part of their lives than the average male. I think the sex drive difference and the idea that women don't masturbate as much as men is a bit of a myth, maybe caused by stigma around women and sex.

You had some really good points in your post too - just wanted to respond to this one!

Former Member

Hi David
I hope you are okay. I hope you and your girlfriend have worked thinks out.