How to deal with partner’s anxiety & depression

Former Member

Hi, I’m really hoping someone will be able to give me some advice here because I’m feeling really lost and confused. I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now, which doesn’t seem too long but with the pandemic and lockdown I feel like our relationship has escalated much faster than it would have in the real world. Our relationship is perfect to me and he’s literally everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. Everything was amazing until the start of December when he broke up with me out of nowhere. He said it was because he had been living with me for a month and he felt overwhelmed and realised he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He has anxiety so as heartbroken as I was I tried to be understanding with him and so it wasn’t a bad breakup. Just under a week after this though, he said he wanted me back and that he had made a mistake. I waited about a month to get back together with him, because I was cautious that he would change his mind again, but I felt that I could give him another chance since our relationship has been under such unnatural circumstances due to lockdown and so I could see where he was coming from.

About 2 months later, I have just got home from staying at his house for 2 weeks (we are in a bubble together). On the last day that I was there, the same thing happened. He said that he felt depressed and slept basically all day, and when I asked if he wanted to be with me he said he didn’t know. I honestly didn’t expect this at all because of the amazing 2 weeks we had together and how reassuring he had been with me for the past 2 months. He said that he thinks it had something to do with living together and feeling that we are moving too fast, so doesn’t want to break up and wants to see how things go while I’m home, but right now he says things don’t feel the same with us.

I do honestly believe that he is genuinely happy with me and then one day it’s like a switch flips and he turns so depressed, which makes him doubt us and his feelings towards me. I asked him if it’s just me that he feels things aren’t right with or if it’s everything in his life and he said it was everything, which did make me feel a little reassured at least, because maybe that means it is just the anxiety and depression lying to him.

As much as I empathise with his situation, I don’t know if getting back with him is the right thing to do. I want it more than anything and he / our relationship is perfect to me when this isn’t happening. But it’s so hard for me to just sit here waiting for him to make a decision and it makes me feel a bit like an idiot. And if he does want to stay together this time, what if this keeps on happening? I don’t know whether he is pushing me away because of his feelings or whether I’m just not the one for him. I know that I would be fine without him because I have learned how to be on my own and not rely on anyone, but I still feel like I love him too much to not be with him. Has anyone else been through anything similar to this? Any advice would be appreciated

Holly

Former Member

Update: he broke up with me, problem solved! Now I can stop being confused and just be depressed

Past User

I'm sorry that you didn't get much feedback when you first asked. This seems like a difficult situation all around and one I empathise with in a way. But I was wary of giving advice as I didn't want to insert my personal experiences too deeply into yours and potentially confuse things further.

Sorry to hear about the breakup, definitely doesn't seem ideal, and I hope it's something you can work through together. Best wishes to you. With some luck someone else on the boards will be able to help more than I could.

Former Member

@Past User

Hi Holly Welcome to the mix I don’t think we spoke before so welcome ❤️.
My ex was exactly the same I’m sorry you had to deal with his anxiety and depression I know it can be overwhelming my ex was long distance so it was even harder I couldn’t cope with it I kept reassuring him but he just kept being depressed and not wanting to phone making excuses not talking so In the end I felt really drained on what to do and I know breakups can be really hard. I’m not going to lie I’m having really bad days myself where I stay up all night thinking about things and it was even harder for me to deal with his feelings and cope with my feelings too so I understand where both of you are coming from I’ve been depressed a lot of times a feeling I can’t get out of 🥺❤️.

Alina

Former Member

@Past User & @Emoji246

Thanks so much for getting back to me it means a lot

I was in a really bad place initially but only a day after he broke up with me I feel so much better already.

I was / am in love with him but now that I’ve stepped back I realise that not everything was absolutely perfect, even though it was so amazing. I don’t think any relationship can be 100% perfect. I’ve learnt a lot about myself and what I want from being with him and so I’m glad for that, and now Im a stronger and better person for it. When he broke up with me I begged for him back for about 2 hours and that taught me that I’m just not ready either because I felt like I needed him, and I don’t want that. It is so sad but I’m only 22 and for me personally I think I need to spend time working on myself and spending time with my friends / travelling / meeting new people! After two terrible toxic relationships I’m just grateful that I found someone who taught me what a good one looked like. Onwards and upwards, and if anyone in a similar situation is reading this and wants to talk I’m always here 🤍

Former Member

Hey @Past User

First of all I want to say that I'm sorry you went through this, I know it must have been a terribly confusing and stressful time for you.

I know its been a few weeks since you shared your story so I'm just wondering how you are feeling now?

Always here!

Former Member

@Past User thank you so much! I’ve was very up and down at first but the past 2/3 weeks have been really good, and with lockdown ending soon I’m feeling quite positive. We didn’t have any contact for the first couple of weeks but now we’re speaking (platonically) a bit so I suppose that helps. We get on so well so I’m hoping we can stay friends but I’m aware that things in the future could change that! I’ve learned to accept that I don’t need to know why it happened or blame myself and I’m just glad I’ve seen what a good / normal relationship looks like now. I don’t think he would change his mind and ask for me back but if he did I definitely wouldn’t go there again and I can feel myself moving on which is good!

Thank you for asking 💖

Former Member

@Past User I'm so glad to hear you're in a better place and feeling much happier than previously! I can imagine it would have felt really hard and difficult to make the choice of not getting back together with a person you still care about so deeply, but at the end of the day YOU are your priority and sometimes we have to make decisions that may push us outside of our comfort zones or make us feel uncomfortable or even guilty at times, but our own mental health/wellbeing is of our upmost importance and you should always remind yourself this! It's amazing that you and your ex have reached a point where you can be friends without the added pressures and expectations that seemed to be there when you were together as a couple, I view this as a really good thing that will have great positives for the both of you And I'm so proud of you for understanding that you don't need to have all the 'answers' or 'whys' for the way things turned out, and you can let go and move on without ruminating over the past situation! This is a really mature mindset and healthy place to be in, and you should feel so proud of yourself! I honestly wish you all the best moving forward and please remember if there is anything you feel you need to talk about, come back and share! Have a great rest of the week