Was I sexually assaulted?

Former Member

I don’t know who to ask, so here I am!

I’m a girl (18) and back in December I got with someone for the first time. At the time I was under the influence of a lot of alcohol, weed and MDMA (over a gram) to the point that I was hallucinating before and during the sex. The girl I slept with however only had a little alcohol and then some weed however she was mostly sober. 

During the encounter I didn’t feel any pleasure from it and was so nervous I literally chewed part of my finger off (gross right - MDMA for you). Afterwards I felt terrible and every time I think about it now which is quite a lot I get anxious and sometimes even have a panic attack. 

She was really nice but at the same time, I can’t help feeling that she should of saw that I might of been too high and said no. 

I want to know if this was assault? I initiated it but was I too high really to consent? I don’t think this is rape, but was it misconduct? I just want to validate the way that I feel at the moment. 

Former Member

Hmm well not too sure but, in principle yeah I would agree to think if someone is under the influence then to take advantage of that is not something healthy, if the other person was truly sober too the sensible thing is to say no unless ofc its ur partner or someone u really know for sure and u genuinely know they mean yes but even then best not to do anything under influence I think. You can't trust any decision making under it. Maybe the atmosphere pushed it or whatever idk or they really liked u but i think its not healthy at least, cuz ya know consent and awareness is needed. And u aren't fully aware or there at the time, even though i guess u do have some responsibility for urself too.

I hope you can feel better from it, sounds like quite a experience, anxiety is a not a nice thing to deal with 

JustV

Reckon @tkdog is right here @Past User.

Based on your account of the situation, it doesn't sound like you could give consent (legally or otherwise) in that state of mind. And if she was mostly sober as you said, it does create a picture where she might have taken advantage of you, even though you said you initiated it.

I would say though, it can be helpful in these situations to set definitions to one side and focus on how all this makes you feel. Nobody has the right to make you feel uncomfortable, taken advantage of, or do anything to your body without your express and sober consent. And if you're not okay with what happened or what she did, that's completely okay and your feelings are valid.

I initiated it

Just because you initiated, that doesn't mean you consented to everything that followed. Consent should be an open, ongoing thing that you can withdraw from at any time, rather than a blank cheque that gives someone permission to do whatever they want with you.

There's also something called enthusiastic consent, which you might have come across before. Basically it means that you're not only saying yes, but that you're visibly into whatever is going on. So for example, if someone is freezing up or being very quiet (or nervously chewing their finger off!), that should be a pretty clear indication that they're not actively consenting to what's happening.

I guess the main thing here is: however you feel about what happened is completely okay and valid. And whether or not something fits a technical definition of assault arguably doesn't matter.

We have an article you might find helpful too - was it sexual assault?

The anxiety and panic attacks sound rough, by the way. Is that still happening for you?

Former Member

Hey , I think I follow what other users have posted here in that consent is something to be given where you both are in a state of full conscious awareness of your actions and choices . Where you’ve said she wasn’t that out of it compared to you , she should’ve made sure this was something you fully wanted to do . If you feel like this has induced trauma and is an experience that upsets you , you shouldn’t feel an urge to classify it as rape or sexual assault but from the experience of an individual who has been raped , sexual assault is an umbrella term for this kind of experience where consent wasn’t mutual . I’d say go to the website for Rape crisis England and Wales , this may provide piece of mind in really defining for yourself only what the experience legally would be called . You aren’t ever alone and this is a space where love and support is here at your wishes ❤️

ellie2000

if u can't consent, its not ok.

Former Member

Past User wrote: »

I don’t know who to ask, so here I am!I’m a girl (18) and back in December I got with someone for the first time. At the time I was under the influence of a lot of alcohol, weed and MDMA (over a gram) to the point that I was hallucinating before and during the sex. The girl I slept with however only had a little alcohol and then some weed however she was mostly sober. 
During the encounter I didn’t feel any pleasure from it and was so nervous I literally chewed part of my finger off (gross right - MDMA for you). Afterwards I felt terrible and every time I think about it now which is quite a lot I get anxious and sometimes even have a panic attack. 
She was really nice but at the same time, I can’t help feeling that she should of saw that I might of been too high and said no. 
I want to know if this was assault? I initiated it but was I too high really to consent? I don’t think this is rape, but was it misconduct? I just want to validate the way that I feel at the moment. 

First off, the way you feel is 100% valid, whatever feelings you have are always valid.

In principle even if you initiated it this doesn't mean you consented, especially as you were under the influence.

As for the other party, it depends on how high they were too as if they were also highly intoxicated (even if she took less than you her tolerance may be much lower) they would not have the mental capacity to ask for consent however this doesn't mean their behaviour was acceptable


If you feel able and would like to I would really recommend speaking to the other person, try and gain some clarity but if this will cause you mental stress please do not do this.

I'd say sit with it for a while, think through how you felt in that moment and determine whether you feel it was assault or not and never let anyone invalidate you. Whatever you feel about the situation is okay and valid

Take care ♡

JustV

Hey folks, feels like a good time to close this thread now as it's over 3 months old and the OP hasn't responded since it was posted. When supporting others, it's generally good to focus on recent threads where your comment will still be relevant to the OP.