Feeling suicidal and overwhelmed (TW)

Former Member

Hi,

it’s probably been one of the worst periods since I got sick. Which is kinda not good. I’ve been an anxious wreck. I’ve been feeling suicidal. I’ve had to leave the lights off because it’s too intense to have them on. I’ve become obsessive over the little things. I’m tired and struggling. I’m constantly hearing things and seeing things and I feel threatened and scared and it’s just so loud  

I think I’ve stressed so much recently that I’ve wrecked my head and hurt my body. It’s scary. I messed up. And can’t deal with the consequences of telling anyone. Because now my instinct becomes to shrink away. Touch is not safe. My body is not enough. I cannot.

I always pretend it’s fine until it suddenly isn’t. I need to learn how to make things safe. I’m trying. Texting friends. Calling crisis lines that aren’t helping but are maybe helping enough to get me through the day. 

I have nowhere entirely safe to let this all out; it’s too much. The other day I was afraid but I needed to get it out. I needed someone to know. Because I needed help to keep me safe. It was so hard to admit defeat and admit that I needed help. I... don’t know. I’m afraid and vulnerable and need support. I’m scared and most of all I feel lonely. I’m managing to work and it’s my reason to keep going and the thing I enjoy. I’m really scared to open up about all these things. I just need to know what to do next. But I feel so so so guilty. Guilty for being too much, for saying too much, feeling too much. Sometimes I wonder if I should just shut up. I am overwhelmed, with a head full of questions and huge problems trusting and actually talking (hence why I’m writing). There’s been all these things going on and I’m trying so hard but it’s just not seeming to be enough and I’m letting people down and feeling vulnerable and memories are bad and currently I just feel like a bad person for being so messy. I’m sorry. 

Aj

Starlight

Hi there! I hear you, that sounds so incredible tough and you’re so strong to be able to share all of that and I’m so glad you were able to. I promise you that you are and will always be enough no matter what anyone tells you and even though it may feel like you our not or it might feel like your not it’s not true one bit! You are doing your best and that’s all that matters. It’s so good you can still go to work and that’s something you enjoy, we all need our safe spaces and our get a ways. Please always remember that you aren’t and will never be alone and how your feeling is okay, it’s alright to struggle and not be “okay” it doesn’t make you any less human or “normal”, what does matter is that you’ve tried to reach out and your fighting through it all!! You are so strong and I think that is amazing so keep going! Sending all the hugs Here if you need a chat

Former Member

I'm sorry to hear you're having a difficult time @_AJ_, sending you massive hugs. I can imagine how scary this is for you, and feeling anxious and stressed can have a huge impact on the body. Making a space safe for yourself is a great idea, perhaps working on this one aspect before anything else will help to relax your mind. 

You are taking great steps in opening up by writing down how you feel here. Is there someone you trust such as a family member, friend, colleague, who you feel you could open up to about this? You’re making a great start by texting friends and calling crisis lines when you need to and its brilliant that you are still working and doing something you enjoy, this is something to be proud of and keep focusing on! 

I agree with @Starlight that you are so brave for sharing with us, and that you are not alone. We care about you and you are absolutely enough. I can see how hard you’re working at this and being messy doesn’t make you a bad person at all, being messy is part of being human  

This is a safe space for you to talk, but If you want to talk with someone on the phone or more immediately I have put a couple of links in the spoiler to organisations who really want to listen and might be able to help.

Stay strong

Anxiety UK is a user-led organisation, run by sufferers and ex-sufferers of anxiety disorders, supported by a high-profile medical advisory panel. Their helpline: 08444 775 774 is open Mon-Fri: 9:30am - 5:30pm

Papyrus are the national charity for the prevention of young suicide. If someone is thinking about suicide, or if someone is worried about a young person at risk, PAPYRUS have a helpline called HOPELineUK that can be called on 0800 068 4141. Papyrus can also be text on 07786 209 697, or emailed at pat@papyrus-uk.org. Opening hours are 10am-10pm weekdays, 2pm-10pm weekends, and 2pm-5pm Bank Holidays.