Breakup after 1 year still affects me...

TiredSquirrel

So I got dumped December 2019. I'm with someone else now, but saw pictures of my ex with me earlier on someone's Facebook and it's completely knocked me back.

I still get upset about it sometimes. Not nearly as intensly as I used to of course, but it's still not nice. I feel it's like a bruise. The worst pain is over, but if it gets knocked (i.e. reminded) then it hurts a little.

I just never think I'll be truly over her even though I'm now with someone else.

She was my first love, my first gf. I know that plays a part in it, but it's hard to see a future in which I don't care anymore.

JustV

It's okay if you don't stop caring about her, @TiredSquirrel. She was a part of your life; no doubt someone you shared important memories and experiences with, and maybe someone who played a part in shaping you as a person. Even though you might have run your course together, it's okay to still feel something for all of that. It's a big ask to make yourself not care about that journey, or not to feel pain for the loss of something that meant (and maybe still means) so much to you.

When you're with someone new, there can be this pressure to forget, move on, and never talk about previous relationships. And personally, I'm not sure that's healthy or reasonable. You can have both - a meaningful, loving relationship now, and some kind of attachment to what you had before.

Can I ask, under what circumstances did you break things off with your ex?

I get the sense it was a rough breakup, but don't want to assume. I ask because there's usually a grieving process when a relationship ends, and if it's still a big source of pain for you now, it could be worth reflecting on how well you 'grieved' and whether that's something you can explore now.

JustV

I also want to say: one year isn't a long time to heal from a breakup. Sometimes that process takes a lot longer, so be kind to yourself - these things are personal and emotional journeys.

TiredSquirrel

It was her decision. We went to Uni together after being together in college. Big mistake. Should have always gone to another Uni (where I am now after dropping out due to what happened). But yeah, it was her doing and I didn't want it at all. It wasn't a really toxic breakup, but we started talking again a few months after and she led me to believe she wanted to get back together and then ended it completely again. So that didn't help. I just never think I'll be totally over it.

Hannah

@TiredSquirrel Hey, its been a few months since you posted this and I'm just wondering how you may be feeling now? If there has been an improvement or if youre still feeling the same things, or if there's still more you'd like to get off your chest. Let us know

TiredSquirrel

Hannah wrote: »

@TiredSquirrel Hey, its been a few months since you posted this and I'm just wondering how you may be feeling now? If there has been an improvement or if youre still feeling the same things, or if there's still more you'd like to get off your chest. Let us know

I'm not too bad now. It does still affect me though. I do sometimes think about it. And now I have to face possibly seeing her in the flesh in June on a night out (as I know she is going to be there since we have mutual friends)... so that is really giving me bad anxiety.

Hannah

@TiredSquirrel I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about the situation currently. And yeah, its understandable that you would still be having your down days over the breakup, it just shows that what you felt was real, and you put a lot of your own emotions into it, so it'll take time to completely feel change. Going back to your original post - don't feel guilty that you're taking your time to let go either, there's no expiry date and every body heals in their own ways and time frames. Just keep doing what you're doing! May I ask how your new relationship is going? I only ask because I don't want you to feel you have to be with a different person in order to get over your ex!

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling anxiety over possibly seeing your ex in future, again that is completely understandable especially if it is the first time seeing her since you broke up. Try to focus on all the other people that will also be there, it isn't just going to be your ex girlfriend! You'll have a great time and you may even find that seeing her again may provide some sort of closure!

TiredSquirrel

Hannah wrote: »

@TiredSquirrel I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about the situation currently. And yeah, its understandable that you would still be having your down days over the breakup, it just shows that what you felt was real, and you put a lot of your own emotions into it, so it'll take time to completely feel change. Going back to your original post - don't feel guilty that you're taking your time to let go either, there's no expiry date and every body heals in their own ways and time frames. Just keep doing what you're doing! May I ask how your new relationship is going? I only ask because I don't want you to feel you have to be with a different person in order to get over your ex!

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling anxiety over possibly seeing your ex in future, again that is completely understandable especially if it is the first time seeing her since you broke up. Try to focus on all the other people that will also be there, it isn't just going to be your ex girlfriend! You'll have a great time and you may even find that seeing her again may provide some sort of closure!

The new relationship is pretty good. I never let it get in the way of anything. I've felt anxious today though and that's been really annoying. Just wish I didn't feel like this whenever I think about it.

Hannah

@TiredSquirrel I'm glad to hear that your current relationship is going well. Do you speak about your anxious thoughts with your girlfriend at all? It may help to be open and honest if things get a bit too much at Times. and it is understandable that you go through these feelings when you think about the pst situation, as it was something that had a deeply negative effect on you and you can't just shut off everything you went through or felt. Just know that it will get easier and better, but you should start by just accepting your emotions, because it seems as though you blame yourself for still having anxiety - and you really shouldn't! You are a human being who had an experience, try not to put yourself down, and focus on the now and your future!