Why is life and love so hard?

awesomeminecraft6789

Hi guys 

Well it's official I've lost it I'm still thinking about what happened with my ex and I'm convinced I'm losing my relationship why? Let me begin

So a couple of days ago she was upset about something and I tried to help her and I ultimately made it worse she said don't worry but I think she's still mad at me I'm not sure why it just feels like it and if I did that's what brought my depression back I feel stupid 😢

People will probably wonder why I'm still thinking about my ex since it was ages ago but way back in my old school I got laughed at and called disabled which I am anyway but I don't need people telling me about it 😢 I think this experience is why I have really bad social anxiety and don't really talk and why I hate school hates a strong word sure but I really really hate school I used to love it and then all that happened and I lost my confidence I'm way to shy and don't really trust anyone unless I get to know them and they won't do that and what my ex has been doing has really reminded me of back then I really thought I'd left that life behind I was quiet before but now because of this Its rare you'll get an answer out if me or see me with a smile and I'm still not convinced I deserve to be here anymore honestly I keep thinking my time is done I can't tell you guys how much I've attempted to kill myself and that's why I've got a bad neck because it doesn't work I don't wanna leave my friends or girlfriend but I just can't do this anymore I'm really losing it and every time I think my depression has gone it comes back you've seen a lot of how I feel on here sure calling myself nothing a waste of space and all that but I call myself worse when I'm not on here because that's what I'm convinced I am 😭

I really don't know what to do anymore guys I'm scared I'm gonna hurt myself or others because this is getting to me like really really bad I want to be normal or feel normal for once be convinced I'm not the only one who cares about me I just can't anymore I'm really sick of myself being like this and I had a nasty headache the other day I feel sick honestly I never mean to upset anyone or stress anybody I just wanna be a good person I'm so convinced that I'm not I wanna be happy for you guys I wanna be happy for my friends and family but I especially wanna be happy for my girlfriend she means a lot to me more then she knows and I probably love her more then she loves me or I probably need her more than she needs me nobody needs me I'm always the downer I always make people feel stressed or upset ugh I really hate myself 😭😭💔

mod edit: some potentially worrying/triggering content removed

Past User

Hey pal. Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate right now.  It’s been a couple of days since posting this and I’m just wondering how you’re doing now? I think it’s great that you feel able to share here with us.

I just want to say that you’re absolutely not stupid. Your thoughts and feelings are totally valid and you’re doing an incredible job of dealing with and trying to understand them. It can feel confusing to keep thinking about people we feel should be left in the past but it’s not your fault that your ex is on your mind so please be kinder to yourself, it sounds like you could do with some kindness right now.

I’m awfully sorry to hear about what happened at your old school and how it has had an affected on you. No body has the right to bully another person. It’s not cool at all. It doesn’t surprise me that this has caused you some social anxiety and caused you to lack in confidence. Bullying can do that to people. I know it’s said a lot and it really doesn’t excuse their behaviour but often, bullies have issues of their own and so they take it out other people. They don’t have any right to do that but it might help you to feel better to know that the people who said the mean things aren’t perfect either. The mean things they said, they’re a load of rubbish. I shared a picture with my friends this morning actually and it said “if you had £86,400 in your bank account and someone stole £10, would you be so upset you would throw the remaining £86,390 away just to get back at them? Of course not. You have 86,400 seconds in your day. Why let someone’s 10 seconds of negativity take away your remaining 86,390 seconds?” I know it’s easier said than done, but worth keeping in mind

Sorry that your ex is bringing up these memories though, that must be sucky. It’s a crying shame to hear about your attempts to take your life. Have you spoken to the doctor or your parents about your depression? It sounds quite intense at the moment and you might benefit from some professional support? What do you think? You deserve to be here buddy, you might not think it right now because your depression is lying to you but you are worth so much.

Take it one day at a time pal, baby steps and we are here with you the whole way. You’re strong and I believe in you. Keep going, you’ve got this.

I sure hope it’s not your last post, I really enjoy seeing you around.

Sending healing thoughts matey. 

JustV

I know we've been in touch via PM as well @awesomeminecraft6789, but I also wanted to acknowledge what you said here more openly. It takes courage to share what you shared.

@Liam said:
I just want to say that you’re absolutely not stupid. Your thoughts and feelings are totally valid and you’re doing an incredible job of dealing with and trying to understand them. It can feel confusing to keep thinking about people we feel should be left in the past but it’s not your fault that your ex is on your mind so please be kinder to yourself, it sounds like you could do with some kindness right now.

This x100. We can't control our emotions or our thoughts, but we can try to understand them and it sounds like you're doing well to reflect on how you're feeling. You absolutely deserve kindness right now, and the same level of compassion you might show someone else in your position.

I also want to say that helping someone is never an easy thing to do. Supporting someone, especially when you're feeling vulnerable yourself, is difficult. And how someone reacts to that or how that situation unfolds isn't necessarily linked to what you said or how you tried to help. However you helped your girlfriend, I imagine you did the best you could at the time.

Something really clear in your post is that you genuinely care - you care about people and you care about what happens in your life. And it also sounds like you've got good reason to feel the way you feel right now, particularly considering what you talked about with school.

Be patient with yourself. You're only human and mental health is a tricky thing to wrestle with, and it takes time. You're certainly not a waste of space, and you're worthy of kindness, support and understanding. I can imagine you might say the same if this was someone else.

If you feel like you're at breaking point, there are people who can (and want to) help:

• Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
• Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
• Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
• Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200

I hope we see you around again, but also completely understand if you need to take some time for yourself or to get a change of scenery. Either way, we're here if you need. Don't be alone.

awesomeminecraft6789

Hi Liam

I'm still here thankfully 😊 I really just needed to let it all out because I think if I hadn't I don't think I would have stopped so I'm starting to clear the air out and try and enjoy life and thank you for saying that I really appreciate it I really enjoy being here it's refreshing and it's healing trying to think of all the good things and knowing I'm not alone with this community I'm ultimately relived to know that despite what I think people here care about me and I am greatly happy for that 

Past User

Ah, so happy to see that you’re okay

I’m glad to hear that it helped you to get it all out. Sounds like you’re taking some positive steps. 

 Take good care of yourself and remember that we’re always here for you 😊

Siena

Hey. 

I’m really sorry to hear how low you have been feeling and how BAd school was.  I can hear the pain and hurt in your post:(. You don’t deserve to feel like this. As Mike said - you seem like such a caring person how you feel is valid and I understand how it can feel to feel like a waste of space. But our feelings are not facts. You’re definitely not a waste of space.  

have you spoke to a professional about your past attempts? They might be able to help. Sorry know already been suggested but you deserve as much support you can get. 

I love your last comment on here. It’s really inspiring that you’re trying really hard. And I’m soo glad it helps to share here. We are always here to listen