(TW) I really don't know anymore

Former Member

I don't really know what I'm doing here but I don't know what else to do. 

So many other people are struggling and I feel like I don't deserve the space that I'm taking away from them. If you're reading this it means you're not reading someone else who needs it more. 

It feels like everything I do and everything I say is wrong. 

I'm really struggling to live in a large family. I can't wait to get out of it. It's hard saying it but I don't feel like I belong anywhere. No matter where I go, I'm always going to be out of place. 

I've been told so many times that I won't become my mum but I will. I can feel it and I don't know how to stop it. 

I try so so hard to stay organised and on top of things, but in reality I'm sitting in a room that's worse than a tip and I can't do anything about it. 

When we get our own space I know things will help, but what if I don't stay on top of things and it happens all over again.

I'm so scared, I just want to cry. I don't think I belong in a functional family and I certainly shouldn't bring my own children into the world. I want a big family but I'm starting to question it. If I'm finding it overwhelming with 2 kids here, how am I gonna deal with my own kids?

A lot of the time I do think I'd be better off dead. I feel like I can't even get the strength to call and chase up the doctor. I'd never do that to myself though. 

I need to get my files from my school tomorrow and I have no idea what they're going to say. We might end up meeting with my old teacher at some point who was horrible to me. She was my pupil support teacher so knew everything that was going on and continued to act as if nothing was going on and expected me to be able to manage the same as the rest of the class. 

I feel like I can't access any support right now and everything I say to my friends is wrong. 

I'm too needy. I want to take a break but I can't, I'm physically drawn back to this place. Constantly seeing if there's anything I can say to help someone or if I've got support. It's like I'm hiding behind my phone, acting as if I'm okay, but I'm really not and I don't know what to do. 

I'm so irritable with everyone these days and really clingy with Matt. I feel like I'm going to push everyone away. I don't have many friends as it is. 

I want to sleep 24/7 but there's a glimmer of me that doesn't want to. I want to be productive and do things. Thinking about it excites me but actually doing it is another story. 

I got up for a bath today but I've found myself getting dressed and sitting back under the covers to write this. 

I know I need to do uni work, but I can't gather the strength to do it. I don't know how to keep going with it. I don't want to drop out, I love uni, I just don't love doing the work. 

I was talking to one of my old academy mates from Canada last night and a lot came out. It's really got me thinking. My habits now have stemmed directly from my childhood experiences and I don't know how to turn it around. People will say lots of hard work, but I can't find the strength to keep going. 

It's like I need people to physically force me to do things. I go some days without actually eating any food unless I'm reminded. Sometimes I forget to go to the toilet. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something I need to acknowledge. 

- since writing this earlier, I wasn't sure what else to say, but we went a walk and did some shopping. We've been looking for different  stuff for the flat. 

It's taken all day to try and write this stuff. I just don't know anymore. 

I'm not in any danger in case anyone's worried (probably not tbh) but I'm just feeling a bit down too much for my liking recently. 

I've literally nearly been in tears listening to Disney songs from like frozen and stuff. It's weird, usually I can't even express my feelings but now I'm getting too much and idk how to deal with it. 

I'm sorry if this all sounds really stupid, it's been written out over the whole day so I've been coming back to it.

I've not done any uni work today, I need to but I can't. Ugh I'm just absolutely done tbh. 

It's so frustrating feeling like this and not knowing what to do. I've always got advice for other people but I don't know how to help myself  

Help please   

Sorry for wasting all your time 

Past User

Hey anchor big hugs. We’re always here. You’re totally right a lot of people are struggling but that doesn’t mean you’re any less deserving of support. This is going to sound blunt but this is something someone said to me that helped me realise it’s always ok to reach out.  If you grazed your knee are not allowed to  admit it hurts because at least it’s not broken, and If you break your leg can you not complain because at least you have the use of your legs. And it can go on and on. The point is there’s always going to be other people suffering but that doesn’t mean we should ignore our own suffering. And there are lots of other posts on this site but they’ll still get support there’s plenty of kindness to go around 

You’re reaching out for help and you’re talking to us, you’re trying incredibly hard and that’s incredible Anchor. You’re taking all the steps you can and that shows what an amazing person you are. These things take so much time but that doesn’t change how well you’re doing. The only advice I have is keep talking, to us to matt to your GP. You never have to keep all this bottled up. We’re always here if you ever need anything.

One thing I wanted to say is living with two kids is very different to having your own or a sibling in my case. When they’re your responsibility you have a closer relationship you understand them more your more in tune, you create your own way of living. I never coped particularly well with young kids but I’m like a third parent to my little cousin, we understand each other of course we have our moments but we know how to work them out.

We’re here anchor we’re always here. And we’re always happy to listen.

 I’m sorry about possibly bumping into your teacher that does sound incredibly tough, I don’t have any advice all I can say is you’re an amazing individual and we are so lucky to have you here. You’re an awesome friend 

 I’m sorry this isn’t longer I wrote out a whole long thing but it just didn’t feel right. I’m sorry I don’t have any great advice either. I know this may seem silly but one thing I used to do was set myself an alarm to do things like showering and then as time went on it became second nature to do those things. If you’ve got things on your chest writing a quick post here is a good thing to do. 

You could never waste our time. I don’t think getting things off your chest could ever be a waste of time. Plus it’s out decision how we spend our time, and we want to listen to you, we want you to know we care 

We all care about you and we’re always happy to listen. 

independent_

Hey Anchor, 

Firstly I'm really really proud of you for speaking about all this, and you deserve the support as much as anyone else. Please know we're here for you and always happy to listen, and what you say is absolutely never silly and it's never bothering us ever. 

You belong here Anchor, we all really appreciate you. You're so incredibly supportive to everybody here, and trust me when I say your words do help. They've helped me several times and they've helped others too. 

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now, it all sounds pretty exhausting. I feel like a lot of us hide behind our phones and pretend things are ok, I do that as well all the time. Just know you don't have to hide here. 

It's so horrible to feel like you can't get any support. A good first step would be phoning your doctor, to chase them up. Even if that's all you do one day, that's ok. Some days are harder than others so we just have to do what we feel able to do in a day. 

I really wish I could help you more, just want you to know how awesome you are and I think you're doing amazingly well. Does Matt know how low you're feeling at the moment?

Look after yourself, sending massive hugs always here if you need a chat or anything 

Former Member

Thank you both @SpaceOtter and @independent_ for taking the time to reply. I know deep down that I do deserve the help but right now it just doesn't feel like it. 

I've been managing okay but recently it's just super overwhelming tbh. I'm not sure if it's to do with the lockdown, the direct effects of the lockdown or just a matter of everything building up on top of me. 

I have to go back to my old school tomorrow which makes me sick. Thank god there's hardly any pupils in though. I'm not sure whatll be worse, them having a lot of info or not much info. Tbh I'm not holding out for a lot. 

I don't think Matt knows just how low I've been feeling, but he always looks out for me. I'll probably talk to him tonight. 

We've decided on the dining set and sofas that we want and I've been so lucky that my mum's side of the family have offered to cover the costs. I feel so bad that I do have a lot of tensions with them, because they are trying. It's just hard. I don't even feel like I owe them anything, it's just I feel like I don't belong in their family. 

It's like I don't belong anywhere. The sense of not belonging is the worst thing in the world. It really does stem from growing up in a hoarding environment and I just feel like I don't properly know how to live. 

I'm not right for a family environment. It's just not cut out for me. 

I want my own children but I don't want them to have my issues. And I certainly don't want my issues to hurt them in any way. 

I don't know, I guess it's just everything building up on top of the lockdown meaning I can't express my feelings through my sports. It's difficult but we're all going through it, so I guess I gotta get on with it. 

Former Member

Hey @Anch0r33 I do agree that lots of people are stuggling right now, that doesn't mean you deserve less support, you didn't do anything wrong and supported us, you deserve support and it's a great step that you're reaching out, yet I know that people who aren't noticed much deserves support too. 

Lockdown sure does affecting all of us mentally, we all struggling, I still feel like this year is like 2020 part 2, I haven't thought that we're reach 2021 and the pandemic isn't over, time flies fast. Feeling of not belonging anywhere must be hurt a lot and it's a tough feeling that hard to resist too, even in famillies.

Have you ever try to meditate? I know this is lame, but I heard that it's really affective to calm and help yourself. There are other self help apps out there, but I recommend Wysa that is an AI app that can talk to you and help to support you in some ways, and Anydo might be help because it can reminded you some things, even your appetite and your works or chores too, it might seem annoying sometimes, but I tried and it helped me in some situation. Hope this helps

Former Member

@Sneakylilmocha thank you for this. It's been a bit rough recently but it's okay. 

Yeah that all makes a lot of sense. 

I've tried meditating before. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. It's something I wanna commit to but struggle to commit to. 

I know I'm sitting here and it must be like I'm saying I don't want to get better. I do. It's just hard  

Thank you for this, I really am going to start trying it some more though. 

Former Member

I hope you guys don't mind me bumping this, I've been debating with myself whether or not I should but I don't want to make a new post and I'm still just feeling a bit shitty. 

independent_

Of course it’s ok to bump it, I’m really sorry to hear you’re still struggling. Sending big hugs here if you wanna chat 

Past User

Hey pal,

I'm so glad you gave this a bump @Anch0r33 , i wasn't online for a few days so i missed this. Super sorry.

Happy that you felt comfortable enough to share with us here. It sounds like you're struggling somewhat right now. You are deserving of support just as much as anyone else. You give so much amazing advice to others and you're always around spreading the love. It's alright to take a seat from time to time and let folk hear and support you. There are lots and lots of ears on here, no body will go unnoticed just because you're getting support too  

I know that you say you're struggling to live in a large family but taking the past few weeks into consideration and how you've been treated by this large family, i think anyone would be struggling. That's not a 'you' issue, it's just because they have treated you poorly. Anyone would want out of that situation pal. You are no gonny be always out of place. You are such a fab person honestly, you could fit in anywhere. Your depression is lying to you buddy.

I hear that you're worried about becoming mam and that's a valid concern. Have you spoken to Matt about this worry? I'm wondering what you could do to make sure that you don't follow in mams footsteps? i mean, you're already doing things differently from her just by seeking support. Mam didn't do that and that's probably why her issues spiralled. 

When my depression gets bad and i don't feel motivated, my bed room gets messy too and I don't feel able to clean it when in that state of mind. Please don't let it worry you, honestly. You need to get yourself better and it's not gonny help by beating yourself up because of a messy room. You can tidy, i know it doesn't feel possible right now but it's not an unfixable issue, you know? You need kindness right now so please, please try to be kinder and more gentle on yourself.

Breaks are healthy, i'm wondering what makes you want to keep supporting others? You're struggling right now, it's okay to take time for yourself. You need it. That doesn't mean you can't come here but please don't feel like you 'have to'. You and your mental health is so important. You deserve some rest

I want to sleep 24/7 but there's a glimmer of me that doesn't want to. I want to be productive and do things. Thinking about it excites me but actually doing it is another story. 

I hear this SOO much. I spent a few days last week stuck in bed. Simply had no motivation what so ever. I knew what i needed to do, i wanted to clean my room and hang a tapestry on the wall,  the thought of getting productive was exciting but i kept telling myself 'tomorrow'. Unfortunately, I don't really have much advice because nothing actually worked for me. I just woke up one day and felt able to get out of bed. There are things my friends suggested to me though like counting to 10 and then on 10 forcing yourself to get up or set 10 minute timers and work for 10 minutes then take a 10 minute break and so on. It's worth giving it a shot but i do know that you're feeling in a rut. I was in the exact same rut. You're not alone  

I think it's great that you had a good greet at the disney songs. When i was feeling similar to you i was crying a lot and feeling much more emotional than i usually do. My doctor said its healthy though and my body doing what it needs to do to let out the emotions. 

I don't have advice unfortunately because i don't know how you can tackle this. It's an utterly rubbish situation. What i do want you to know though is that you are SO strong. You have been through so much and yet you still always manage to put a smile on other peoples faces. You're selfless and you're brilliant. You'll weather this storm, just like you've weathered every other storm that has tried to knock you down. Keep going, one day at a time and one day things will just seem... lighter.

In the mean time, we're right here behind you, cheering you on. 

Keep talking, talk to Matt, talk to your pals, talk to your doctor and talk to us. We're all here for you.

Sending big big hugs

Former Member

Thanks @Liam it's okay! I seemed to have posted it during a bit of a break for everyone! Wanted to give it a bump because everyone seemed to be back a bit more. 

You're so right, I guess I just felt like I didn't deserve the support. But you're right, there's enough to go round on here. 

That's also another point that I didn't consider. It has been super stressful recently tbh. I've struggled everywhere I've lived - with my grandparents it was hard to try and adapt, then abroad I lived with 12 others and I found that very overwhelming, then when I moved to the home with myself and two others it was such a typical family and it was hard to deal with. Dorms was where I've felt most at ease because I had my own space, a good schedule and people there if I needed. 

Idk. I think I'm not meant to be in a family situation :lol it's just super hard to adapt. Ever since living with mum I've just not properly adapted. I guess it makes sense but at the same time it's frustrating. It feels like I don't fit in anywhere. I really hope I do okay with my own family though, it's something I really want to do. 

I've told Matt that I think I'm gonna turn into her. I get to the point where it builds up super bad and then I'll spend ages cleaning because I'm like shit I'm gonna turn into her. It's just super stressful because I know it can pass through genetically and I know it'll literally ruin my life if I turn into her. 

You're so right though, I need to try and be kinder to myself. It's hard though yaknow? As much as my mum cared about me, she didn't so much care for me if that makes sense. I don't feel emotionally attached to her so I'm guessing that'll be to do with a lack of engagement with her growing up, probably due to her depression. I've just never developed the sort of mechanisms that I should have emotionally. I'm gonna work on that though for sure. 

I really enjoy helping others so I guess that drives me. I don't like seeing other people struggling. I want everyone to be okay. Myself included. 

I love the idea of counting to 10 and doing something that seems difficult. It really puts the time into perspective and makes things a bit more manageable. 

I've not been crying with the Disney songs today so that's an improvement for sure. I've eaten alright so far today and drank more than I usually do. I went to my live astronomy lecture for the first time this semester (we started last week so I've missed a lot). My English and theatre seminars went well I think and I spoke to my group which felt good. I had my physio appointment as well so I'm feeling like today has been pretty productive. I'm going to start reading my book for next week's class today. 

It's not easy to get over but the good days are worth the bad days, life ain't easy but we'll all get there

Thank you so much, honestly you've helped me so much

Siena

Heyy!

it’s so hard when you feel so low in motivation. Like you kinda touched on. Your mind wants something but you feel so low that it feels too much to do. And I completely understand that feeling of getting ready (shower or bath) just to go back to bed. But the fact you had a bath even when you felt low is an achievement and I’m not being patronising or anything lol. It really is. 

There is definitely a different between not wanting something between feeling overwhelmed. Like you said with the things you want to do but it’s hard finding the strength. Can also apply with wanting kids when you’re older. I believe in you and you try so hard and I believe the more you try the more strength you will get   it’s hard but it doesn’t work in one day. Just small steps. Even taking a bath takes strength. With the right support and the right people around you. You can get to a better place. It’s clearly not something that is buit with in you,  you want to change and get better. Sure it would of been easier if you didn’t even have a bath but you did. Lockdown is making everything as hard as it used to be. 

something I am trying is physically writing a list late at night before I go bed for tomorrow. Of what I want to do the next day. The other day I just wrote shower. And I did it and could tick it off. It felt like a massive achievement. It doesn’t have to be big things. 

I also  understand the feeling of now wanting to be like your mum. My mum doesn’t shower or bathed for years. She does nothing but sit and watch tv. And uses every excuse under the sun. I’ve tried to help but she won’t even admit their is a problem. We had to leave the old house where she still sometimes live in when she’s not visiting here. We left because of how unsafe the house was from not keeping up with it. She also thinks it’s normal to have your celling falling through and no place to move. I can’t tell if she is either in denial or deluded. And my sister says I will turn out like her cause I’m “lazy”. Most hurtful thing sometimes.

 Anyway my point for saying this is. She doesn’t accept help - she won’t even admit there is a problem. The fact you have admitted things don’t feel right and are actually seeking help yourself is the most hardest step going sometimes