My Vents

Former Member

Hi, it's been a while I post this here so I don't need to make new discussions anymore everytime I want to vent something, so don't mind me 

Former Member

So, it's been a while and I have one more day before my college starts. I still having online classes on zoom. I haven't speak english months now so I'm really nervous to speak english on zoom in front of strangers that I never met. I picked biology and data management for my major, tbh I really hate math and I very terrible at it, even I know the ways, I almost never pass a test no matter how hard I try. At the end, I give up learning immediately when the test came by instead of cheating, it always reminded me how useless I am.

I hate asking someone for help unless if the teacher is really nice. There are someone and friends offered me to help though, but I keep feeling terrible when they tutoring and give me some tips, I can't help but always asked them if they're annoyed at me, I just feel like I don't deserve to get any help.
Tw:

I gave up studying since elementary, until high school everytime when some teachers become annoyed or confused why I never pass a single test on some subjects that need to calculate, I couldn't control myself when I cried and having a breakdown if I speak up. Some moments including my brother saying to me that I'm useless or good for nothing all the time that time and the way people didn't comforted me at all, and being ignored all the time is just overwhelming and hurts a lot. I really hate seeking attention sometimes because people will be quiet and turned away from me when I'm being vunerable, and now I'm in college abroad with different people and wondering why am I still alive here this far.

I'm so sorry if I bothering anyone a lot with my vents.

Former Member

Don't worry @Sneakylilmocha you're definitely not bothering anyone by venting here, that's what a lot of people use the boards for honestly. It sounds like you're really struggling at the moment so I can see why you felt like you needed to vent, I hope getting this stuff off your chest helps!

I just wanna say that despite how you feel you definitely do deserve help, everyone needs help from other people from time to time especially if you're in college. Hopefully you'll get more comfortable asking for help as time goes on, it can be tough to move past worries like this but all of us here on the boards believe in you.

Former Member

Thank you @Riley!
There is one of my classmate from one of my courses. I reminded myself that I want to change, so I gave my courage to speak up and asked her about invation link for our class group so we can chat each other and others too. When we studying for diagnostic test, we were chatting and told me some tips on how data management works. I had fun chatting with her after that, she said that I don't have to hesitate to ask her about something at anytime, I haven't heard that from a classmate like her for a while, which made me have more courage to ask for help. I made my own promise to change myself because being in a college is a good start for me.

Former Member

Haven't log in here for a while because having two long assignments, I haven't finished both of them though, since biology, I had a hard time to find the answers and changed a little to avoid plagrism. College life is fun yet really made me busy, but I think college life is better than high school.

Tw (violence):

My brother started to playfully chocking me again, even it only a few / some seconds or didn't hurt sometimes. I always feel uncomfortable when he put his hands around me, I still told him to stop but he keep doing that though. Yet he still didn't learn boundaries why I kept hitting and kicking him accidentaly. My parents did annoyed yet did nothing but saying to him "you're annoyed her, can you stopped what you're doing?" 

Sometimes I become cautious or worried if he ever had a girlfriend or wife and what if he did to her like what he did to me someday? Yelling, playfully chocking me, calling stupid, etc.

In reality, now he's change and being more talkative to ne more than before, he likes exercise and probably want to continue my dad's business, but I still can't worried about it and want to make my own life instead of living in a same city as him. I guess I'm selfish.