Admitting the way I feel

One-in-a-million

So I’m going to add a trigger warning due to mental health and suicide.


last night I admitted to my manager that while I have no intention of doing anything I do think about it, I think about how I’d do it and thought about other ways but I always come back to the same way. But then I think about what happens after, I’m terrified of not knowing what is after death, I’m terrified of hurting my family, my friends. I feel so lonely but deep down I know people are there, I know that I have support there but I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s like I’m obsessed with the thought but in a bad way, I don’t want to think about it but I can’t stop thinking about it. It went from just now and then to it being in my head almost every day and I can try and distract myself but even then it doesn’t fully go away. Is it possible to be suicidal without any intention of actually going through with it. I’ve promised the person I’ve told that I won’t do it, I can’t nor do I want it. 

I want to just disappear, not die, I want to exist but I don’t want to feel this anymore. I’m safe, I’m currently at work and I’m not going to hurt myself, maybe that makes me weak, maybe it makes me strong who knows

Past User

Hey hey @One-in-a-million

Firstly just want to say  how amazing and strong you are for talking about your feelings, not just to us but also to your manager.  How do you feel now after admitting your feelings? It's a big step to make and a positive step too. 

I think it's great that you have no intentions to act on these thoughts but that doesn't make them any less scary or unwelcome. Just wondering whether you've got a counsellor or whether you've talked to your gp about these thoughts and feelings?

You are sooo strong, not weak at all. Please remember that.

Look after yourself. We're here for you.

Past User

Hey @One-in-a-million we are so proud of you for opening up. You’re certainly not weak for thinking about these things or opening up about them. You’re so strong million and even though it may not feel like it you’re doing amazing by taking some really positive steps.

Ive felt the same, I won’t talk about myself too much but It scared me too. Ever since opening up here and to a teacher I’ve been doing a lot better. I know how to manage them now.And I know where to turn if things get too much. 

As well as talking here and to a teacher I’ve also talked to shout in the past when I’m struggling. Or I normally write out my feelings or thoughts to get them out of my head then I sit down on the floor with my dog listening to music until I’m calm.

TW 

Tw

TW
one quote I heard was “I didn’t want to die, I wanted my life as I knew it to end”. And that’s how I felt . I loved the people around me but I couldn’t keep living the way I was. 

 You’re not alone million we’re all to help and listen, reaching out is amazing. Sorry if this sounds patronising, but reaching out is a tough thing to do. 

Big hugs million , we all care about you. Always happy to listen 

Former Member

Hi @One-in-a-million❤️ First of all I’m so proud of you for telling your manger.
I’m sorry that you are feeling so low right now always remember we are here for you on the mix no matter what and we will help as best as we can.
You are  definitely not weak at all because you have even got the courage to write this and look for support and that shows you are definitely not weak at all.
I’m really sorry this isn’t a lot I’m half asleep right now If you want more of a reply   or just want to chat pm me ❤️

Alina

independent_

Heyy @One-in-a-million well done for posting this I’m really glad you’re reaching out for support because it sounds like you’re having a tough time right now. 

This is something I’ve felt too, very rarely have the intention to act on anything but the thoughts are still very scary. You’re not alone, and even if you don’t want to act on them, you deserve to get support with the thoughts and what’s causing them. 

Are you getting any professional help for your mental health at the moment? If you aren’t it might be worth having a chat with your GP. They can refer you for counselling if that’s something you think you’d find helpful, I know having someone to talk to in confidence about this stuff is really important. 

And remember that we’re always here too, on the boards and in chat there’s always someone around and happy to listen if you ever need anything  

One-in-a-million

Thank you guys, I’m thankful for all of your replies, I’ve just finished work, before I left I’ve decided I should speak yo my GP, I’m not getting any rest from these thoughts wether or not they mean anything I don’t know, I just wish they’d leave me alone. It’s like I said to my manager I feel so alone but I know I’m not alone, not by a lot shot, I feel so worthless and useless despite being told other wise. 


@Aidan
@Liam
@independent_
 @Emoji246
@SpaceOtter

@Aidan thats the same, I’m conflicted on wether these are just intrusive thoughts or wether I am actually questioning myself especially as it’s the type of thought where I know exactly what I’d do instead of the “what if I” it’s the thought of “I could (insert what id do) go to sleep and not wake up.” The fact is, I know exactly what I’d do and thats Followed by “but what about my mum, she’d be the one to find  me.” 

Then I get upset about it because I know I don’t want to hurt myself, same as today I’m at work (currently on break) and although I’ve laughed and smiled today due to my lovely team, the thought was still not far from my mind it was still there with small breaks in between. But then I’ve heard people day that everyone gets thoughts like this, so why do they feel so scary? 

I know you say I’m brave and I’m thankful for what you say but I honestly don’t feel it xx
ive said I have no intention to hurt myself and I don’t but I’m questioning wether I should move this particular thing to where my family are, it’s something I need every day but maybe moving them out the way might be a good idea?


@Liam, thank you, I’m not sure how I feel, I sort of feel guilty as it means I may have worried this person, I told her I think about death but not the fact that the thought is actually of me doing something, I reassured her I wasn’t planning on doing anything and she said that she hopes I’m telling the truth. I question if I don’t want to hurt myself then why do I think about it? It makes me feel confused. I haven’t spoken to my GP as of yet, it’s currently hard because I work Mon-Fri and they are closed at weekends 🙄 they also want video calls which I hate!! and I’m currently waiting for CBT but it’s a long waiting list. Thank you for your kind words.


@SpaceOtter
Thank you so much you have given me Awesome support, as I say just before leaving work today I decided that due to these thoughts not going away and being how I would do it and not so much how it could happen, I’d call my GP, however my GP doesn’t open on weekends 🙄 so I asked my manager if I could start a little later tomorrow so I’m given the chance to call them. I’m worried about what they will ask and do. So we will just take it as it comes, also that quote is spot on xx


@Emoji246 thank you for your kind words, I guess for such a long time I thought I could deal woth it alone and just pushed it aside unfortunately I can’t do that anymore, I’m always half asleep so no worries ha ha ha

@independent_  thank you, I’m sorry to hear that you have struggled with these too, I’m hoping my GP can somehow help me, I’m currently waiting for CBT but it’s a long waiting list. I just feel confused, I don’t want to die so why do these thoughts come and not go away

thank you to you all xx

Siena

Hey. I’m really proud of you for telling them how you’re feeling. That is never easy thing to do. I agree with everyone else. It’sa really brave thing to do

when people think about suicide a lot but don’t want to hurt themselves. I think it’s called passive suicide ideation. Or just suicidal ideation which you could maybe search for on the internet? You’re definitely not alone in it and just because you said you’re going to keep yourself safe - it is still a very serious thing to be going through. I was wondering if you have other support to make sure you are completely safe - you said you have other people there. Is this your friends and family you speak to?

it is a really really stuck feeling. And I’ve been there and stuck was the only way I could explain it. It’s like you don’t want to be dead but you don’t want to be alive. Most people who kill themselves feel like this and it just gets to a point where you can think of anything but to stop it and the reasons to be here can’t even think about it. And that’s why it’s so good you’re seeking help now
 It’s horrible it’s like you don’t know where to put yourself and it’s frustrating. Even if it doesn’t feel like it but staying safe can take a lot. Finding those reasons fo be here can take a lot too. Many people have felt this way and came out the other side and there is hope that you will want to be here