Just writing my thoughts out(TW)

Past User

I’m sorry to post so much lately, I didn’t have anyone else to really talk to. I just need some thoughts out of my head. I’m working myself up too much. I’m going to write everything out and then watch a Disney film and hopefully get to sleep before 3am for once 😂

My life is good I just don’t feel good. I’ve not been doing good the past few weeks, this week was the worst I’ve been close to losing my clean streak. I cry every evening and I keep having these moments where I just stare out into the distance.  But thinking I’d be at school next week was keeping going. Understandably schools are closed for a little longer and now I’m feeling completely stuck.

TW- I’m safe but I’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts. I just wanted to talk to the well-being person at school she’s really nice, but she doesn’t have an email so I’ll have to wait. It’s silly things could be much  worse I know that but I feel so trapped.

 I feel like I stumble through the days, like I’m not even really here. I feel disconnected from everything around me. Like I’m not really hearing things and my thoughts are all scrambled. I’m too stuck in my own head. 

My escape is normally to walk the dog but he got injured which was my fault. I hate seeing him so miserable and I miss the fresh air. Mum would get suspicious if I went for a walk on my own.

I’m failing school, I’ve gotten all u’s this school year, the most  marks I’ve gotten is 8 out 42. I was finally catching up but then we had another lock down. I don’t know what to do anymore. I applied for university but I don’t think I want to go, but I feel like something in my life needs to change.

Ive been making the people around me miserable. My friend never responds anymore I pushed her away. My mums mad at me, I’m the only person she has to talk to when my dad is one of his moods but I never want to talk. I’m no the daughter she deserves.

Some positives-

I’ve been watching Disney films all week to help, it’s working a little. I’m 11 weeks self harm free. And I finally finished the course I needed to for my volunteering.

Things feel bleak right now but they could be worse. I know I’m a lucky person I just don’t feel lucky. I’m wasting a good life . But I’m going to keep going and keep trying.Sorry for the long rant , I just felt so lost. I’m feeling a little lighter now. 

Always here if anyone ever needs anything.  
Happy Sunday!

coc0mac

Hi @SpaceOtter

No need to apologise for posting, you can post as often as you like. Talking about your feelings is such a healthy, healing thing to do, so I think it's really great that you feel able to post here. We are all here for you

I really hope ranting helped you in some way, and that you enjoyed your disney film and slept well. How are you feeling today? 

independent_

Hey Otter,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so low. It’s absolutely ok to post about it, as much as you want to, if it helps to write it all down. Writing is healthy, it’s very healthy, so I’m really glad you’re doing it. And doing it in a place where people are around to hear you out and to support you.

I hear you saying things like “it could be so much worse, but I still feel bad” in your post. That’s something I relate to, but it’s ok to feel the way you do. People can have outwardly great lives but still struggle with their mental health. It’s not being ungrateful or anything, you can’t control how you feel. 

You are doing really great at speaking about it here though, and finding ways to deal with how you’re feeling. Also can I just say, 11 weeks self harm free is absolutely amazing, so a huge well done to you for that.

Keep writing here, keep talking, we’re all here. Take care of yourself  

Past User

Thank you both your kind replies  really mean a lot. Happy Monday!

I had an email from the school as I’ve not been coping too well I’m allowed to go in Wednesday and then the rest of the week. I just feel ungrateful because surely I should feel better now because of that but now I’m all nervous because I haven’t done any of my work, and I feel weak and silly. I know it’s good to accept help when you need but I feel all embarrassed.

Thank you @coc0mac I hope you’re doing well. I’m feeling a little better today I guess.  The Disney film helped me fall asleep eventually. Disney is always a win 

@independent_ thank you that really means a lot. I’m always here if you ever need anything too.  Your words help more than you could ever on

Thank you again. You’re all awesome people. Always here if anyone ever needs anything, hope you have a good day 

independent_

It’s great that your school are letting you go in. It’s ok to be nervous though it doesn’t make you ungrateful, they will understand that. Getting help can be scary sometimes but you’ve done the right thing  

_Tech_Addict_Girl

@SpaceOtter Hi 

You don’t need to apologise for anything we are all her to listen and help.
I’m really sorry you feel so low and start crying every evening I think it is good to cry because after people have cried I think it makes them feel a little bit better.
I have always said I am happy to talk whenever you need someone to listen❤️

Please don’t feel like you make everyone around you miserable remember you are a caring person that always likes helping people when they need help your always there for everyone and I think you deserve the same back for you I am sure your mom wouldn’t change you for anything she deserves you.
The good thing is you’ve been distracting yourself with Disney films which is a good thing and 11 weeks no self harm I’m proud of you.

You are a strong person.
 Sending big hugs 🥰

Past User

Thank you @Emoji246 that means a lot. I’m always here if you ever need anything 

Sometimes I wish I could talk to the people in my life as easily I talk to the people on here. You’re all wonderful supportive human beings and my other friends and my family are too but these sort of conversations always feel awkward. I’m incredibly grateful for being able to talk here, thank you for everything 

Past User

Things have been ok. Sorry I’m just getting things out of my head so I can go into the weekend feeling a little lighter.

School is going ok. I’ve got more work done in the past three days than I have in the past three weeks 

Ive felt really silly at times like I shouldn’t be there, and I feel like a proper nuisance but I’m trying to focus on the positives.

 I’ve been in a really sucky headspace lately and I’ve been super self centred. I haven’t been thinking straight sometimes I say things I think are helpful but they’re never helpful. But even though I feel like a jerk people are always so nice. I have a friend who texts me to make sure I’m ok at school, teachers keep checking on me too and going out of their way to help. I know I sound ungrateful, I really appreciate their help but it feels wrong. I feel embarrassed, and ashamed of how badly I cope on my own,

But I’ve set myself some goals and I’ve found some good coping strategies. Disney films still help at night 

And I’m 12 weeks self harm free tomorrow.

 I’m sorry for being a sucky friend and a rubbish support. I’m working on it. I don’t like who I am right now but if I keep trying and listening maybe one day I will. 

Im sorry if this sounds like I’m looking for sympathy, I’m really not. I don’t expect anyone to reply. This post is really just a way for me to leave my guilt behind. I’ve been angry at myself for a long time and it’s not helping.  I guess in a way I’m forgiving myself for how I’ve handled things and I’m moving on in a healthy way.  

Hope you all have a good day. Big hugs  

Anch0r33

@SpaceOtter I'm so glad to hear you've found things to help you and setting goals is amazing. You're doing so well my dear. 

Congratulations on your 12 weeks tomorrow, that's amazing! 

You're a brilliant friend and amazing support. Don't knock yourself down

We all know you're not looking for sympathy and you're very much valued on here. We all care about you and I hope you're doing okay  

Feel free to message if you ever need a chat  

Past User

Thank you @Anch0r33 that means a lot.
But I’ve definitely made some mistakes lately , but it’s ok I’m learning from them. 

Thank you again it really means a lot and I’m always here if you ever need to talk