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Feel like I gotta vent

SciFi_456SciFi_456 Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
Evening all 👋 first proper post 🙂.
I haven't explained my story or any experiences on here yet but I've worked up the courage to now. 

(sorry if there's millions of tags to this discussion, I'm still getting used to The Mix) 😂.

Anyways, I guess I just need to vent about stuff tbh and explain a few things. I'm 19 now and thinking about it recently I've always had a subconscious feeling that there's always been something wrong with me for 10 years. I guess I haven't lived life to the full and this pandemic has put stuff into perspective since I've had alot of time to think after I was furloughed and then laid off between March and September until I got my apprenticeship. I was on my own practically all the time before the lockdown so really it didn't affect me much until it did when I started worrying alot about past and present. 

Basically, I got bullied in primary school between the ages of 8 and 10, even when I showed them kindness. Got kicked, shoved, beat up, punched, basically all the physical stuff. Even got a fork poked in my back once. As time went on, my classmates practically watched it happen, and they befriended the bully who was in my class, so I became an outsider basically. I tried to fit in where I could but I always felt like a laughing stock and ultimately I developed trust issues, even after the bullies were thrown out. I just became angry after that and I became rude which now I think back was uncalled for but it was a defence mechanism I guess? I still can't explain it properly. I went to a secondary school in a different area but I didn't make friends like everyone else and stayed a recluse. I was still angry and rude so I kept that as a defence mechanism until the bullying started again. I still blame myself for it because if I'd just left the past in the past then things could've been very different. 

As the years have gone on, I've worried alot about small things, trivial things. It's made me paranoid and anxious and shaky and it's quite often affected day-to-day life and my relationships with others, particularly my family. Things were ok for a while until they weren't and it's been an ongoing cycle now for years. I've got low self-esteem because of it and social anxiety and have avoided romance and making new friends, and the two really good friends I've made in the last few years who I love dearly I worry will cut off contact, even though we're close to eachother. In the present day, nothing feels like it has changed and I'm just more bitter, cynical, and envious, and it's made me dislike myself and I worry I'll always be the same. I guess I just need guidance tbh.

I'm really sorry if this is long and if I'm being honest there's still more to tell but for the moment this is all I feel like venting about.

Thanks for listening 💪🏻❤️

Comments

  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Hi sci-fi , Happy Sunday.  :)

    I know I found myself often reflectinf and dwelling on things during lockdown it was a time to think, which can be a good and bad thing.

     I’m really sorry all that stuff happened at school , you really didn’t deserve that. Sometimes we find ourselves becoming ruder or more confrontational in order to cope. It can be hard to let the past go. You’re definitely not to blame for it happening again. I’ve always felt like an outsider I’ve had people single me out because of it but I’ve also had others show me kindness even when I wasn’t very friendly. 

    I really relate to a lot of what you said, I find myself worrying about relationships too. Sometimes I’ve talked to the people I’m worried about losing and I’ve explained why I act the way I do , which has helped a little. When I find my mind drifting into negative thoughts I write them down either here or in my journal, then I go find a distraction like watching tv. Another thing I’ve been trying is for every negative thought I find a positive one, it doesn’t matter how small it may seem a positive is a positive. Whether it simply be I held the door open for someone today or I tried my best.

    Venting here helps me, I hope it helps you too. Sorry I’ve talked about myself a lot and apologies if I seem patronising.
    Hope you have a lovely evening always happy to listen  <3
  • SciFi_456SciFi_456 Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
    Hi there @SpaceOtter and happy Sunday to you too.

    Thank you for your kind words. I don't think for a second that you're patronising because you've been very understanding and it's good to relate to people with past events and I'm sorry to hear about your problems and I hope your different methods help you.

    Enjoy your evening and I appreciate you offering to listen. I'm here to listen too. 

    -Liam ❤️
  • boaboa Moderator, Staff Posts: 29 Boards Initiate

    Hi Sci-fi, I am really sorry to hear about your experience of being bullied and how you are feeling as a result. 

    It shows strength how you've shared your experience and feelings here and we're here for you to listen  <3.
     

    Everyday presents an opportunity for new beginnings. Have you ever considered counselling? Counselling could give you space to discuss these issues in depth and help you develop strategies for dealing with some issues. You can check out some information here: https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/the-mix-counselling-service


  • SciFi_456SciFi_456 Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
    Hi there @boa

    Thank you for the kind words and the links. Sometimes it just feels hard to accept what's happened and I often think of the "what-ifs" and how different everything could've been. ☹️

    I have spoken to some people at my college/work but it's a really slow process and currently I don't see a way forward, but the future isn't mapped out so I'm just taking it one day at a time.
  • dante96dante96 Deactivated Posts: 14 Settling in

    Hi Sci-fi,


    Firstly I admire your courage to share your experiences with us!


    I can relate to often reflecting on things I wouldn’t normally have done before the pandemic. I’m sorry to hear that the pandemic had a toll on your livelihood – but it’s amazing that you’ve got into an apprenticeship during a tough period. As you mentioned above taking it one day at a time is what its all about and how I’m coping too. Hopefully 2021 will be much better


  • SciFi_456SciFi_456 Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
    Hi @dante96

    Thank you for your response.

    Tbh all the months at home made me start to think some really stupid things, like how I am behind other people and how I missed out on so many experiences as a teenager which has only made it worse. I've spoken to people about it and ik those types of thoughts are unhealthy since everyone goes through life at their own pace but sometimes it's hard and it makes me mad. 


  • AR7AR7 Posts: 3 Newbie
    wusup im new here i dont think i can deal with the voices in my head there's to many and they never go away
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