sister passed away and my other sister had a kid which I'll never see

Distraction

Today I found out my sister died last month.

We had a complicated relationship, I don't really know how to feel about it, I had to go to work within the hour of founding out and just getting some time to myself the now.

Later, I also found out my other sister had a baby girl eight years ago (I moved away two years before she was born) and I was an auntie. I was so excited when I was told about her, I was so happy to have a niece.

But the baby was in foster care and got adopted so I can never meet her and I can live with that as painful as it is I think I could, as long as I could just know she was happy.

I hope to god that, that wee kid has good parents because I would have loved my niece so much if I could have got her. It brakes my heart to think that she might ever feel alone, to think that she might feel unwanted. 

I would love to see her, just to make sure she was ok, I'd leave her be if she was.

Former Member

Hi @Distraction
I'm so sorry for your loss about your sister, it must be tough situation having mixed feelings for her while you had complicated relationship with her. I'm sorry to hear about your niece too, it must be heartbreaking since you never seen her in your life, and this situation must have been overwhelming hearing both of the news at the same time. I do hope that your niece will be adopted in a happy family and you can see her coincidentally someday! 

I'm not sure if I can find the right words and I apologize if this sounds insincere, but I want you to know that we're here listening to you
Sending virtual hugs!

Past User

Hey @Distraction !

I'm so, so sorry about your loss. I think when we have complicated relationships with people it's especially hard when they pass away because (for me anyway) we don't really know how we should be feeling. You've not really said how you're feeling right now and that's okay but I just wanted to say that if you're grieving, you have every right to do that. If you're unsure about your feelings, that's okay too.

I'm really sorry about you not being able to see your niece now because she has been adopted into another family. That's tough. Adoption is a really difficult process and the wonderful thing about it is that the parents get to pick their own child so more often than not the child is already sooo loved before they even get taken to their new home

I'd say that it's pretty natural to worry about her though, you're her aunt and so you're going to feel protective. I'm really sorry that you're unable to go and check in on her to see how she's doing, it must be so difficult to not even know where she is but i'm sure that she's doing ok and is loved and probably enjoying her Christmas day!

Sending big hugs

Past User

Hi distraction I’m really sorry to hear that. I don’t have any advice just wanted to say we’re  always here if you ever need anything. Always happy to listen  

Distraction

Thank you guys for the lovely messages and kind words  , I've had a few days to get my head around it, what I think was really nasty was that my mother didn't even tell my dad that his first born kid died, we had to found out through the abusive husband a month later, we think it was a heart attack, the police found her home alone, I couldn't imagine how scary that would have been for her, no one was with her, no matter what happened between us, she didn't deserves die alone scared. 

@Sneakylilmocha it's hard because I made a point with myself to cut all ties from my two sisters and mother, they were quite toxic people but I don't know, maybe she was just misunderstood, she went through a lot of shit in her life, that would make anyone go crazy. It was a lot to take in, still don't quite believe it. don't worry it comes across sincere  and thank you.

@Liam That's exactly it, I already tried to cut my emotions off from them, made peace with losing them in the way that meant I would never talk or see them again. I grieved for them years ago, I remember it and it hurt like hell, it sounds silly and I don't want to tell anyone in real life because of how silly it does sound, but it's just the way it was. Thanks for saying it's ok to feel unsure because I feel bad for not immediately feeling sad over it, I mean I feel for her and it's sad she died but it doesn't hurt like it should if a sibling passed away. I hope you're right about the adoption, I just wish we knew because we have everything she would have needed but I can't be selfish about it, if she is happy and safe then that's all that matters and thank you for your message, it made me feel calm  you are very understanding 

@SpaceOtter Thank you, that's very nice   

Past User

Hi distraction just wanted to say you never have to feel silly about  how you feel. We all feel different things in different scenarios everyone is different, to br honest there’s never a right way to feel about something. 

And sorry if I’m overstepping but i had a relative who wanted to care for another relative but it was decided they’d be better off with a fresh start. It hurt for a while to know we couldn’t be there for them like we wanted to. But recently  we’ve made contact with them, I’m not going to lie there’s still that sadness when we think about the memories we could have together growing up. But they’ve made a lot of nice memories  with their family and they’ve had a lot of experiences we couldn’t give them. They’re happy. 

Sorry if this came across patronising. We’re  always  here to listen 

Distraction

thanks, think I needed that, you aren't over stepping , I appreciate it, if my niece knows she's adopted I'd love to make contact if allowed but if she doesn't and she's happy I wouldn't want to be the one to brake her world, I respect the situation and can back off from it if needed.

Saying that tho I would love a photo or something, see what she looks like, apparently she was born with some sort of addiction.

I'm sorry you guys were in a similar situation, how did you go about making contact, did you have to do it through social services? 

@SpaceOtter

Past User

Distraction your incredibly caring and the fact you just want her to be happy shows how amazing you are. 

Yeah we did go through social services, and it started by meeting a few times a year and building up contact through letters and phone calls. It was a strange process but for us social services were very helpful. And now it feels a lot more natural meeting up with them. 

We’re always here if you ever need anything. Always happy to listen  @Distraction

Past User

@Distraction You're so very welcome I went through something very similar recently after finding out about the passing of my bio dad. I had already grieved for him in a way, even though he was still alive.. I had gone through that stage of missing him and had found a way to deal with that hurt. So when I found out that he had passed on, although it came as a shock, I didn't quite know how I was supposed to be feeling. I suppose there is no 'correct' way to feel in any situation though. It doesn't sound silly at all and it's okay to feel unsure about the whole thing it's also okay to feel upset sometimes and feel nothing other times. Whatever you're feeling, just know that you're not alone.

Former Member

Hey @Distraction
im really sorry about your sister passed away and I am sorry that your niece got adopted I really do hope she gets a good family to look after her and I hope you get to see her soon sending big hugs and hope💗