I don't feel like a good friend

Oli123

Hey there..

This is probably me just being stupid but a few people said this is a good place to vent to here goes...


One of my best friends lost a friend the other day. Close friend. I saw it in the local news and it was someone that went to the same school as him, about the same age, interested in the same things, so there was no way they couldn't have known each other. 

I didn't know If he knew but didn't want to bring it up just in case he didn't. 

But he's been a bit down for the last few days so I kept checking in and seeing if he was ok and cheering him up a bit. But then I asked about it. He did know him and they were close. I asked if he was ok and he responded that he hadn't said anything because I say "things like this" (are you ok) "which doesn't help whatsoever". I know he's grieving currently but it was a complete kick in the gut. He was there for me when my grandad, friend and great uncle all passed away last year and I wanted to be there for him but he didn't tell me or share how he was feeling because I don't say the right things. It just hurt me so much and I've been crying over it for the past half hour. I don't know what's wrong with me and I didn't know that I was that bad at being a friend to him. I said sorry and left it at that but just feel so horrible about it. 


Sorry for the rant. Don't feel like you need to respond, it's just me being stupid and needing somewhere to vent so I don't bottle it. 

Former Member

Hey like you said people grieve in different ways so it may be that your friend just needs a bit of space. I know sometimes I don’t particularly like talking to people about things but it definitely helps that I know people care. I think you did the right thing in trying to support them. If they still don’t want to talk about it its good that they know you’re there if they want to. 

Oli123

@Dandelion

Hey there and thanks so much for your kind response. It probably is just that he's in pain at the moment..We'd been laughing about things and sending memes and things back and forth earlier that day though so I think that's why it shocked me so much. He knows I'm here if he wants to talk but I'm gonna give him some space and wait for him to text first now I think. 

Thanks again for the kind words.

Oli123

@Aidan

Hi Aidan, thank you very much for your kind, supportive response. 

One thing I hate is seeing my friends in pain, and I know they'd do the same for me in a bad situation. 
You're most likely right about the grief thing...I just feel useless because he was there for me during my bereavements but didn't feel like I could return the favour for him. With what's going on in his life, it's nothing, but still hurts deep down..
I'm definitely going to give him some space to work it out and know that I'm there if he wants to talk. 

I think it's got to me more as well because my friendships are a lil bit stronger than my family relationships currently, and to have the friendships failing as well just makes me feel like the world is crumbling in...My family are very supportive but we have too many not nice moments that usually end up being "my fault". For instance...whilst I was responding to you at 2:30, my dad said that my sister needed the kitchen area from 3:00 for a FaceTime call with her current clients, so if I wanted lunch, I needed to be in there before 3:00. So I said ok thanks and went down at 2:40 to make myself a sandwich. Once I got there, my dad goes "no you can't be in here, she needs the room to prepare!" I said that he said I could be in there until 3:00 and he denied it. So I started making a sandwich and told him I would be 2 minutes (literally was 2 minutes). Someone left the door to upstairs open and the cat ran upstairs (he always tries to get on my bed). I didn't leave it open it was my mum, but I still got the blame. He had been having a go at me up until this point saying I was being selfish and unkind by being there. I heard my dad say "selfish f*cking idiot" to describe me as he went to get the cat. I shouted back "oh p*ss off!". I'm not proud of using that language but I was so frustrated. Then my mum, having heard my dad, went off on me saying "how dare you use that language to your father, apologise!" I said that I wouldn't "because he called me a f*cking idiot first" then just walked off. 

Haha in terms of anything else on my mind..how long do you have?  

Last week, I had an interview for my top choice university. It is my dream university and I know if I get rejected then it's gonna hit me hard, even though it will be for a reason. I know however that I'm going to feel like I didn't do my best and if I'd read up more on this and this and that subject (I was staying up until 2/3am studying for this interview every night for 2 weeks) then I would've passed. I won't be told until mid January and it's getting on my nerves every day. I just feel like if I don't get in then I'll be a massive disappointment to the people that have helped with the application..I don't really know what I want to do in life yet, and I keep getting pressure put on me to know...but all I do know is that I really want to go to this university. My older sister didn't go to uni because of health troubles and because she didn't want to (she is a freelance artist and really good at it, with no shortage of commissions, so she's doing fine) so I have no one really close to, to really ask about uni and their experiences there...It's stupid, but that's something playing on my mind a lot. 

I'm also missing seeing my grandma. She lives about 2 hours away and we haven't been able to visit because of covid. I miss her hugs and ice cream concoctions. We've been texting and FaceTiming but it just isn't the same. And my grandad passed away last year so I know she's lonely...So there's that too. 

My mum has pre-existing lung problems which if she contracted covid could end in death, so I'm super paranoid about going out and doing anything that might contract it. Even fearful of the post coming through the letterbox. I hate that it's so deadly and so contagious. And the prime minister where I live isn't exactly the best in terms of regulations and keeping people safe. Yeah he's trying but originally his government under his authority were willing to let 500,000 people die through a herd immunity process...one of those could've been my mum. 

My dad's blood pressure is really high at the moment too. He's stressed over a lot of things. We're trying to help him destress and not get so worked up, but he's in the zone now where he could have a heart attack if it got much worse. So this is stressing me out too. 

Also I received my A-level results this summer. I was happy with all of them except for one (which really mattered because it was the subject I hope to study at university)...It came back as an A when I was convinced that everything I'd done had pointed to A* (and usually the university I've applied to would expect A* which made me panic, but thankfully they still wanted to see me after my outside of college teacher vouched for me [thank you Alex]). So I set to work looking at all of my records on the college system before they were wiped. Every. Single. Piece. Of. Evidence. On. There. Was. A*....So I appealed. They came back with "in the exam, her teachers feel that Olivia would have achieved an A, not an A*"...the course (music) is split into 3 components: Performance, Composition and Appraising (basically a fancy name for a paper with 2 essays and written and listening exercises). For performance I achieved 100% (which they had marked as an A on the system - should've said A*), for composition I achieved 52/60 (A*) marked by the college teacher....this college teacher then sent a statement saying that she felt that would've been downgraded "significantly" in the actual marking from an examiner. I got the work externally marked by an examiner who said that it would've been 55/60....So they basically lied to cover their backs and keep the grade at an A....and for the appraising part...I achieved 18 marks over the A* boundary.....which they said was significantly overmarked by the teacher (again got it externally assessed, was not). They based this on my essay quality (which were frequently coming back at A* standard). Now for my essays to have caused the downfall from an A* to an A, my essays would have had to drop on average 20 marks. This was not possible, therefore they were lying. They then said that the teacher had stated that she'd overmarked everyones' essays...so they'd rather admit incompetence than change my grade...on top of this, one of the things marked for the performance component was "ensemble performance - A"....I had no recollection of this being a thing so challenged it...they said it was "extra curricular activities and the performance on the 24th of march". Ok first of all....extra curricular means NOT GRADED WORK! So this was a total lie...then the thing on the 24th of march...this was a workshop to help with our final performances that were meant to be in April....the flaw in their argument here....it was cancelled ...we were in a national lockdown starting on the 23rd of march....even though it wasn't funny I had a fit over that one. On top of this, when we were having lessons in college before covid, the teacher used around 6 of the most important to go for maternity scans (could have been arranged for any other time)....so we were told "you know what to do, get on with it" by the technician she left in charge. Also I know for a fact that 3 of the people in my class were going to fail (they got E's and D's In the mock) but somehow miraculously achieved C's from the centre assessed grades, keeping my college's slogan of "100% pass rate at A level"...which makes me wonder whether they needed to drag my grade down to boost theirs up. 
So...having then taken this to the head of the exam board, for them to have done nothing and say no maladministration was committed, it feels grossly unfair. This is another thing getting me down at the moment. 


Sorry for the humongous rant. Don't feel like you need to respond to them, it's just my brain having a meltdown. Thanks for your kind response Aidan.  

Former Member

Hey @Oli123 I want to start of by welcoming you to the boards and I hope you get the support you need here 
I just want to say I’m so proud of you for reaching out 
By reading what you have said I don’t think you are a bad friend at all you was just trying to make it a bit better and cheer things up a bit don’t put yourself down over it you did what you could do help and I’m sure when his ready he will share his feelings with you when he feels like opening up and talking.
sending big hugs ❤️

Here to talk if you need to 

Oli123

@Emoji246

Thank you very much for the kind welcome. This board has already helped me open up so much. 
The funeral of his friend was a couple of days ago and since then he's been a lot better. We've been for daily walks (socially distanced with masks) since then and he seems to be getting better. I think my main upset at the time of writing this was the comment he made about the type of things I say being wrong, as if I was being insensitive..Idk it just got to me badly. 

Thank you so much for your kind response 💛