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In need of advice if you have time please
Oli123
Posts: 26 Boards Initiate
Hi there,
I'm not one for usually reaching out for support, but I'm having a bad time currently and wondered if I could ask for some advice please.
I'm in the middle of preparing for a really important first choice university interview that I really want to smash. It's a lot of pressure and stress. I'm getting daily pressure headaches from the stress.
Some background to this post....While I was in college (finished this summer, taking a gap year because of the covid situation), I had one of my 2 best friends there. We had 2 out of 3 classes together and just had a great relationship going. However, he was going out with this girl (still going out) who hated my guts for being a female and close to him. We were semi-friends before they started going out but it just felt like i was a nuisance to her by being there. I know at this point I should've just walked away completely but it's so hard when it's one of your best friends. My grandad, great uncle and friend all passed away within the space of 3 weeks, last year, and it completely shattered me. I was down constantly, not eating properly and it was just a terrible time. I was crying one day in class and my friend gave me a tissue. His girlfriend was in the same class and was glaring at me (she knew about what had been happening). I found out later that it was because he hadn't cared as much when she was having an attention melt-down the day before. Later on that day, she asked if she could have a "word" with us both, and I knew it would be bad if I stayed. So I tried to leave but my friend said it would be fine. She proceeded to go off on us saying she knew we don't want to talk to her but she needed to get something off her chest. At which point, i just turned around a walked off. My friend came after me and found me crying in the stairwell. I went home and he went off on her. She sent an apology text after he'd threatened to break up with her. She wouldn't have cared otherwise. I said it was fine and we all moved on (but I never forgot and my opinion changed completely about her). When it was his birthday, I'd made him a few cupcakes with this new recipe I'd been trying, and deliberately gave him them outside of college so his girlfriend wouldn't go off on me for it (we both live in the same area so met up). I already felt as if she'd been spreading lies around our friend group at college, but I was sure when he brought one of the cakes into college for lunch and a bunch of them started saying "ooh she must like you if she's baking you stuff, it's obvious". Some of my so-called friends there also started joining in and saying I'd definitely go out with him if she wasn't in the picture (not true whatsoever). And then saying they feel i "overstep the relationship line" by being best friends with him when he has a girlfriend... So fast forward a few months. He was thinking of breaking things off and had been trying to talk to me about it as a friend for advice. I said I couldn't get involved and it was his decision just saying "Just think about what makes you happy". He eventually did break it off and when she asked who he'd been talking to about it, he stupidly said me and his mum. When she heard mention of me, she said "F**king b*tch". At that point I was done with her. I hadn't influenced his decision whatsoever and didn't talk to her at all after that. I truly believe she only tried to be friends with me in the beginning to get to my friend and go out with him. There were the obvious rumours about us going out in the beginning of college but we both obviously soon cut them dead. Not saying he's not a great guy and nice-looking, just wasn't interested in dating him and I have my own self-conscious issues about appearance and didn't want to date, even if he had liked me. But she always thought I had some sort of thing for him and was a 'boyfriend-stealer'. So i was never going to win with that attitude so deeply engrained in her. A couple of months later, she convinced him to get back together, so they are currently dating again long-distance (both at uni).
So coming to why I wrote this post...She unfriended me on facebook (I didn't want to be the one to do it but I was over the moon when she did herself)..I don't know whether she's the type of person to say to my friend that I'd done it, but to be sure, I let my friend know before she did. I also asked him not to say anything. About 2 days after I told him, she friend requested me again. I'm obviously not accepting it, but I messaged my friend asking if he'd said anything, and he gave a few cryptic answers and changed the subject..he eventually said he hadn't and changed the subject...but he has fibbed before about these things and I just don't know what to believe anymore. He makes me feel small at times and like i'm being over the top, but I've been so hurt by this girl that I don't know what to think anymore. I said to him that i was confused by her friend requesting me and his response was "Oh..maybe ...idk by sending you a friend request...she wants to be...friends? How weird would that be" or something along those lines. And i just don't know what to think. It's like he's completely forgotten how awful she was to me. Sorry for the long rant but I just don't know what to do. He's been my best friend for years but is just such a t*sser at times. I love him as a friend and really don't want to walk away and end the friendship but the way he treats me at times is just not kind. It's helped a lot to write it all down but I'm still in tears over this. I know I need to focus on my interview but I'm stressed and confused out of my mind and just hating life quite a lot. I wouldn't class myself as suicidal, but I'm definitely verging on depressed. My other best friend who I would be lost without has been amazing throughout all of this, but I just don't know anymore. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you and sorry for ranting. Man i hope they're not signed up to this forum haha.
I'm not one for usually reaching out for support, but I'm having a bad time currently and wondered if I could ask for some advice please.
I'm in the middle of preparing for a really important first choice university interview that I really want to smash. It's a lot of pressure and stress. I'm getting daily pressure headaches from the stress.
Some background to this post....While I was in college (finished this summer, taking a gap year because of the covid situation), I had one of my 2 best friends there. We had 2 out of 3 classes together and just had a great relationship going. However, he was going out with this girl (still going out) who hated my guts for being a female and close to him. We were semi-friends before they started going out but it just felt like i was a nuisance to her by being there. I know at this point I should've just walked away completely but it's so hard when it's one of your best friends. My grandad, great uncle and friend all passed away within the space of 3 weeks, last year, and it completely shattered me. I was down constantly, not eating properly and it was just a terrible time. I was crying one day in class and my friend gave me a tissue. His girlfriend was in the same class and was glaring at me (she knew about what had been happening). I found out later that it was because he hadn't cared as much when she was having an attention melt-down the day before. Later on that day, she asked if she could have a "word" with us both, and I knew it would be bad if I stayed. So I tried to leave but my friend said it would be fine. She proceeded to go off on us saying she knew we don't want to talk to her but she needed to get something off her chest. At which point, i just turned around a walked off. My friend came after me and found me crying in the stairwell. I went home and he went off on her. She sent an apology text after he'd threatened to break up with her. She wouldn't have cared otherwise. I said it was fine and we all moved on (but I never forgot and my opinion changed completely about her). When it was his birthday, I'd made him a few cupcakes with this new recipe I'd been trying, and deliberately gave him them outside of college so his girlfriend wouldn't go off on me for it (we both live in the same area so met up). I already felt as if she'd been spreading lies around our friend group at college, but I was sure when he brought one of the cakes into college for lunch and a bunch of them started saying "ooh she must like you if she's baking you stuff, it's obvious". Some of my so-called friends there also started joining in and saying I'd definitely go out with him if she wasn't in the picture (not true whatsoever). And then saying they feel i "overstep the relationship line" by being best friends with him when he has a girlfriend... So fast forward a few months. He was thinking of breaking things off and had been trying to talk to me about it as a friend for advice. I said I couldn't get involved and it was his decision just saying "Just think about what makes you happy". He eventually did break it off and when she asked who he'd been talking to about it, he stupidly said me and his mum. When she heard mention of me, she said "F**king b*tch". At that point I was done with her. I hadn't influenced his decision whatsoever and didn't talk to her at all after that. I truly believe she only tried to be friends with me in the beginning to get to my friend and go out with him. There were the obvious rumours about us going out in the beginning of college but we both obviously soon cut them dead. Not saying he's not a great guy and nice-looking, just wasn't interested in dating him and I have my own self-conscious issues about appearance and didn't want to date, even if he had liked me. But she always thought I had some sort of thing for him and was a 'boyfriend-stealer'. So i was never going to win with that attitude so deeply engrained in her. A couple of months later, she convinced him to get back together, so they are currently dating again long-distance (both at uni).
So coming to why I wrote this post...She unfriended me on facebook (I didn't want to be the one to do it but I was over the moon when she did herself)..I don't know whether she's the type of person to say to my friend that I'd done it, but to be sure, I let my friend know before she did. I also asked him not to say anything. About 2 days after I told him, she friend requested me again. I'm obviously not accepting it, but I messaged my friend asking if he'd said anything, and he gave a few cryptic answers and changed the subject..he eventually said he hadn't and changed the subject...but he has fibbed before about these things and I just don't know what to believe anymore. He makes me feel small at times and like i'm being over the top, but I've been so hurt by this girl that I don't know what to think anymore. I said to him that i was confused by her friend requesting me and his response was "Oh..maybe ...idk by sending you a friend request...she wants to be...friends? How weird would that be" or something along those lines. And i just don't know what to think. It's like he's completely forgotten how awful she was to me. Sorry for the long rant but I just don't know what to do. He's been my best friend for years but is just such a t*sser at times. I love him as a friend and really don't want to walk away and end the friendship but the way he treats me at times is just not kind. It's helped a lot to write it all down but I'm still in tears over this. I know I need to focus on my interview but I'm stressed and confused out of my mind and just hating life quite a lot. I wouldn't class myself as suicidal, but I'm definitely verging on depressed. My other best friend who I would be lost without has been amazing throughout all of this, but I just don't know anymore. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you and sorry for ranting. Man i hope they're not signed up to this forum haha.
2
Comments
It really sounds like things have been extremely tough and I’m really sorry to hear about the big losses you have suffered. We’re always here to listen, sometimes writing things out can do us a world of good.
I know it’s extremely hard but the only thing I can suggest is ignoring her. I understand your friend might be annoyed but you need to do what’s best for you and your well-being, from what you’ve said she hasn’t been having a positive impact on your well being at all. But I’m also glad to hear you have another friend who has been extremely supportive.
Posting and opening up like you have is a wonderful step to take you should be really proud of yourself. I often write things out on here to get all my thoughts out. I like to my leave my negative thoughts here and then watch a film or listen to music to help me calm down.
I wish you lots of luck with your interview, I’m sure you’ll smash it
I know it may seem silly but I write down all the nice things people have said to me and I reread them whenever I’m feeling low. Repeating positive things in my head can help me feel like I can conquer the world.
I’m sorry I haven’t got anything more helpful to say. (Sorry if this came across rude, I’m not the best with words)
I wish you a very happy day and I’m always happy to listen
It's lovely to meet you too, thank you very much for the kind and warm welcome.
I really appreciate your kind response and encouraging words.
I suppose the worst part of all of this was that I was always thinking that it was my fault she felt that way about me, and I must be doing so much wrong..I know now that it wasn't me but it still lingers in the back of my brain. Thank you for listening. When I've spoken to my family about it in the past, they've always been supportive but I hate seeing them hurt and angry through it (by caring about me), so I haven't really told them the full story (including more examples of her being insensitive, rude and downright nasty).
You're absolutely right about ignoring her, thank you. I just have to come up with a game plan in case my friend brings it up.
Leaving negative thoughts here and then watching a movie and listening to music is definitely something I will try, thank you! Also, that doesn't sound silly at all about writing down nice things. I might make a box with scraps of paper to try that, thank you.
I appreciate your response such a lot, thank you very much. You've helped me feel a ton better and you are wonderful with words, it didn't come across as rude at all.
I hope you have a wonderful day too and thank you so much for your time, kindness and thought. 💗
And it’s definitely not your fault. We never know what’s going on in someone else’s head and I certainly don’t know why she’s been so horrible, but i do know it’s not your fault.
Take care, always happy to listen
I’m really glad you’ve spoken about this here today, I also find it helpful leaving negative thoughts in posts on here, I think it’s because I know people have seen it and heard what I’m thinking and it’s not just me alone thinking about it.
I wish I had decent advice for you but yes trying to ignore her (even blocking her if you need to) is a good idea. You absolutely do not need toxic people in your life and you’re right to cut her off. Ignore the request, decline it (doing that doesn’t send the other person a notification) and don’t rise to anything nasty she says to you. You seem like an awesome person and you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
As for your interview, do you find you have anything which helps you to cope with stress? I find that listening to music really helps me because I find hearing my favourite songs very calming (especially if they’re really familiar ones). Also deep breathing can be good if you’re feeling particularly stressed or anxious it helps your body to relax and for you to calm yourself. If I feel really anxious I try to use it and it’s easier said than done but trying to find ways to relax when you’re stressed is good. And take time for yourself too and do things you enjoy.
I’m really glad writing things down has helped you, we’re here anytime and you’re always welcome to rant or get advice.
Take care
Thank you so much once again for such a kind response.
I think the main reason she hated me so much was that she was worried I was taking my friend away from her (who I'd been friends with before she even met him). Sure we spent time together, but I would never try to get in the way of a relationship like that.
You seem like such a lovely person and I'm always here to listen if you need it too.
Hi Elle,
it's lovely to meet you too!
Something I did way too much during my early teens was bottling things and not dealing with emotions (mostly took a turn in 2015 when my gran passed away, I just shut down all emotions). It's mentally damaged me in the long run to the point where I find it really difficult to open up unless things have gotten bad. I'm trying to open up more, slowly, and this forum is going to be a game changer. Everyone here's just so kind and wonderful and it feels like a safe space. I'll definitely decline the request if it doesn't send a notification. 😂
You seem like an awesomer person
Thank you so much for the tips on dealing with stress! I'll definitely try the breathing idea and listening to familiar music.
You're such a lovely person and I can't thank you and space otter enough for your kind, supportive responses. If you ever need a rant or just someone to listen, I'm here for you too. 💗