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My family gives me anxiety

FluffyPandas99FluffyPandas99 Posts: 10 Settling in
edited December 2020 in Sex & Relationships
Its a lot worse then the title, like i get over 100 heart bpm and anxiety shakes sometimes, just having to walk down the stairs where i think they might be. I can rarely talk to them for more then 20 minutes without having to excuse myself to go try and calm down. There is one thing I've found that helps and that's if I'm super bitter and confrontational, probably because it makes me feel more in control, but that doesn't seem like a long term solution. Btw this is all called back to years of mental and verbal abuse and manipulation, my question is what do i do to help me be able to leave my room, instead of being an a**hole. Thanks for any advice I appreciate it.

mod edit: moved from Articles
Post edited by JustV on
Past UserOli123


  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    edited November 2020
    Hey @FluffyPandas99 I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through a really tough time. I don’t really have any advice to offer just wanted to say you’re doing the right thing by opening up here and if you ever want to talk I’m always happy to listen.  <3

    I can often be quite confrontational and occasionally I let my temper get the best of me. I try writing out all my feelings before I go somewhere I know I might clash with someone. And I write my feelings out afterwards too. Sometimes I repeat a phrase in my head when I’m in a frustrating situation “it will all be ok, you’re ok, soon we’ll be somewhere happier”.
    I also used to carry something like a stress ball I could use to focus myself. Or I just to fiddle with a key chain or my watch. 

    It’s good to take break sometimes especially if you’re overwhelmed but I understand that it it might be getting frustrating for you. I listen to music when I need to calm down, I leave one ear bud out so I can still engage in conversation.

    Is there anyone else you could talk to? Maybe a teacher or your GP especially if it’s affecting your mental health. But like I said we’re all here for you and we’re always happy to listen.  <3

     I’m sorry this wasn’t very helpful. (Hope this didn’t come across patronising or rude) I wish you all the best  :)

  • Oli123Oli123 Posts: 26 Boards Initiate
    edited December 2020
    Hi @FluffyPandas99

    First of all (without sounding patronising) well done for reaching out and sharing how you're feeling. It isn't always an easy thing to do. 

    This is something that I can relate to a lot. The one thing that I find super therapeutic when I'm starting to get heated and angry when I've had an argument with family or I can feel one brewing, is removing myself from the situation and going for a walk (no specific amount of time, just enough for you to start feeling better). Starting with a speed walk, then easing into it once the initial anger is out and just relaxing my pace is my coping mechanism. There will be some scientific thing about how it affects your mood and mental health I'm sure, but all I know is that once I've been out for a walk, it calms me down to the point where I can rationalise things and either talk things through calmly with the person so that we can come to an understanding, or go away and write them a letter. To expand on @SpaceOtter 's point about writing things down, something that maybe could help you would be writing letters to each member of your family detailing how they make you feel, but don't write in an accusational manner, even though that's easier said than done when someone makes you feel that way and causes you stress. I'm personally a lot better at voicing how I feel by writing it down rather than talking. It means that:
    1) You don't have to be in the same room as the person as they're 'listening' to why things are going wrong, which lessens the risk of heightened anxiety and/or anger
    2) There are no opportunities for the person to interrupt you so you lose your train of thought and points 
    3) You can remember many more details if you're writing a letter, rather than trying to get it all out in words in a heated situation
    4) Writing things down lets a lot of stress out rather than bottling it. The verbal equivalent to this is shouting, which definitely lets a lot of stress out, but isn't quite as healthy in the long run :) 
    5) You can choose exactly what you say, rather than things coming out in the heat of an argument 
    6) It's a healthier way of feeling in control. You are the master of your own words, no one can change that but you
    7) Most times it will shock the family member into listening. If I'm confrontational with my family they usually just shut down and won't listen and shut me up (which makes me more confrontational). But if they are presented with a heartfelt letter detailing what's going wrong, it often shocks them into actually having to take it in and listen

    I've found in the past, that giving a family member a hard-copy piece of detailed writing about how they make me feel, has returned significantly better results for change than just talking about it with them. It might be worth a shot? 

    I think something that maybe could help too is writing down everything that you can think of that's happened in your past. You said that you'd suffered mental and verbal abuse as well as manipulation. I'm really sorry you have been through this...these are things that no one should ever have to deal with. I am probably wrong, but it sounds as if you have bottled a lot of hurt and pain. It might help to write everything you can think of down into one big document. Also always try to remember that it isn't your fault that these things happened and were done to you.
    From my own experience, I had a traumatic event happen to me when I was 3 that has affected the rest of my life and my immediate family's life. It has contributed to me occasionally being badly confrontational and angry when I feel unfairly treated and like people are getting at me. I have bottled a lot from it. I am just starting now to work things through properly. Part of that is writing things down and I know for me that it is really helping. I just wondered if it could help you too. 

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. With everything else this year, it is not a nice thing to be going through and I hope things get better. 

    Sorry for not being more helpful, I hope that you can find a perfect coping mechanism and things get better. :) 

    This community is always here for you 
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