Afraid of men?

Former Member

So, this is a really hard thing to explain but ill try my best. I dont have any kind of sexual truama or trauma from men and ive never being abused or anything like that but throughout the years ive been noticing ive began fearing men. Ive been catcalled before and definately have experiences with creepy and manipulative boys but nothing overly significant i guess. Currently im in a very happy and healthy relationship with my boyfriend and he makes me feel so safe, happy and listened to. It just seems like at the moment hes the only boy i can trust. Boys and men in my life are one by one proving themselves to be awful people. I dont want to start fearing everyone. Even though i dont have any kind of sexual trauma i fear being assualted or r*ped more than anything else in the world. I dont want to turn into one of those girls that hate men but they just make me so uncomfortable and angry.
Its a hard thing thing to explain because i dont have one traumatic event to pinpoint it to, its mostly been a buildup of little things over the years (catcalling, creepy comments, stares etc) idk if any of this even makes sense lol.
I have no idea if anyone has experienced a similar thing which is why i thought id put it out there to see, feel free to let me know

Former Member

Hi @Past User

I can definitely relate to this as have had similar thoughts in the past. Regardless of whether you have been through trauma, I do think a lot of us women are pretty much taught from a young age to fear men, but also to fear rape / assault in case it is ‘our own fault’ for wearing the wrong thing, walking in the dark etc etc the list goes on. 

It does make sense because a lot of us have experienced the things you describe - catcalling, comments, stares etc and is enough to make us very uncomfortable and not wanting these things to happen again and therefore try and avoid...

I think it’s brilliant that you have reached out and said you don’t want to hate men. It doesn’t sound like you hate men, fear is very different than hate but still not healthy for you. It’s really important to talk about this before it becomes a hatred or becomes any worse.  

Do you have any male role models in your life or friends / even celebs you respect that are male? There are lots of men who are incredible human beings (there are lots here, for example!!) who I hope can help you see that you don’t need to be scared of them. 

Have you ever spoken to someone about your anxiety in general, you may be able to get to where this may have come from? 

Sending hugs 
Lucy 

Former Member

Lucy307 said:

Hi @Past User

I can definitely relate to this as have had similar thoughts in the past. Regardless of whether you have been through trauma, I do think a lot of us women are pretty much taught from a young age to fear men, but also to fear rape / assault in case it is ‘our own fault’ for wearing the wrong thing, walking in the dark etc etc the list goes on. 

It does make sense because a lot of us have experienced the things you describe - catcalling, comments, stares etc and is enough to make us very uncomfortable and not wanting these things to happen again and therefore try and avoid...

I think it’s brilliant that you have reached out and said you don’t want to hate men. It doesn’t sound like you hate men, fear is very different than hate but still not healthy for you. It’s really important to talk about this before it becomes a hatred or becomes any worse.  

Do you have any male role models in your life or friends / even celebs you respect that are male? There are lots of men who are incredible human beings (there are lots here, for example!!) who I hope can help you see that you don’t need to be scared of them. 

Have you ever spoken to someone about your anxiety in general, you may be able to get to where this may have come from? 

Sending hugs 
Lucy 

There are definitely men in my life that i admire and that i can trust like my boyfriend and my stepdad. Im going to try and talk to someone at my college about this because i agree, i need to talk to someone before this becomes a hatred or fear. Your response has honestly made me feel so much better and its a massive comfort to know that im not the only one who has felt/feel like this so thank you so much for reaching out! But yes, ill definitely talk to someone and open up about this   

Former Member

Hey @Past User

Welcome to The Mix, 

Just wanted to let you know I've moved your thread over to sex and relationships and it fits better there and hopefully you'll get some more support

How are you doing today?

Former Member

Stephanie said:

Hey @Past User

Welcome to The Mix, 

Just wanted to let you know I've moved your thread over to sex and relationships and it fits better there and hopefully you'll get some more support

How are you doing today?

Apologies, wasn't sure what category to put it in

JustV

Just building on what yourself and @Lucy307 said @sheepybaby - try not to underestimate the impact of a lifetime of those 'little things' like catcalling and general creepiness.

Though you might not have experienced anything more isolated and 'serious' like assault or trauma, when you're steeped in all those other things for long enough, it's only natural for that to lead to a reactive cautiousness. It's like if you spent a lifetime on the recieving end of cats being aggressive towards you - eventually you're going to start thinking twice before approaching a cat.

I would also say, some men get this too. For the most part, I tend to instinctually feel safer around women than men, for the same reasons you mentioned. Experiences on the tube with hoards of male football fans being rowdy, men yelling from cars, etc etc. I don't experience the creepiness that women experience, but I can appreciate the difference in feeling around men and women.

I do agree that talking to someone about this before it develops into something more severe is worth doing. It sounds like you're on the right track with your thinking.

Welcome to The Mix, by the way, and well done for posting!

Former Member

Mike said:

Just building on what yourself and @Lucy307 said @sheepybaby - try not to underestimate the impact of a lifetime of those 'little things' like catcalling and general creepiness.

Though you might not have experienced anything more isolated and 'serious' like assault or trauma, when you're steeped in all those other things for long enough, it's only natural for that to lead to a reactive cautiousness. It's like if you spent a lifetime on the recieving end of cats being aggressive towards you - eventually you're going to start thinking twice before approaching a cat.

I would also say, some men get this too. For the most part, I tend to instinctually feel safer around women than men, for the same reasons you mentioned. Experiences on the tube with hoards of male football fans being rowdy, men yelling from cars, etc etc. I don't experience the creepiness that women experience, but I can appreciate the difference in feeling around men and women.

I do agree that talking to someone about this before it develops into something more severe is worth doing. It sounds like you're on the right track with your thinking.

Welcome to The Mix, by the way, and well done for posting!

Thank you for your response! I spoke to my personal tutor at school and im being referred for counselling so I can talk about this which is what I was hoping for It's been a big comfort to know im not the only one who feels this way

Former Member

Hey @Past User

Totally agree with @Mike (and thank you Mike for sharing honestly about your own instinct too - that’s really eye opening actually). 

So so glad to hear you spoke to your personal tutor about it - very brave thing to do, well done you. I really hope it helps you. Let us know how you get on?

All the best
Lucy