Is being distressed around a certain person normal?

BillieTheBot

This discussion was created from comments split from: was it assault or not?.

Former Member

when i’d just turned 14, i started going out with this boy from school. like a month into the relationship, we were at a sleepover one of our friends was having, with about 6 other people there. i went on a walk with one of my friends at about 1am bc i was feeling restless and by the time we got back around 2am i had a headache and i was tired. i went upstairs because my head was pounding and my boyfriend followed me upstairs to “check i was okay.” after about 15 minutes of us just sitting there he leaned in for a kiss, which we’d kissed plenty of times before. i was uncomfortable so i kept kinda pushing him off but still trying to be polite. this kept happening with him getting handsy and my gently pushing him off hoping he would take the hint. at this point my head was pounding and i could barely hear myself think, i was starting to feel sick and my whole body felt like it was on fire, NOT in a pleasurable way. he asked me if i would let him “jizz in my mouth” and i had to deny it multiple times before he asked if he could put his hands down my pants. i kept saying no but every few minutes he’d ask again hoping i’d change my mind. after about an hour of him not getting the hint and me feeling violently ill and shaky i remember just whispering yes and the rest of the evening just blanked. i was conscious and there but mentally i just have no clue what happened. its like i just blacked out and i dont know how far things got but i remember waking up on the downstairs couch next to my friend the next morning and when i got home i was sent a text telling me my boyfriend had planned to have sex with me at the sleepover and that thought genuinely terrifies me. its been just over a year and it honestly gets worse every day, im on medication and have been diagnosed with depression, and its like no one understands what actually happened. my friends are still friends with him, they have expressed multiple times that im “overreacting” about what happened and my reactions to being near him even now, and ive been told many times to “get over it.” i got into an argument with a friend last month on a group chat, and another friend backed her up by bringing up that night, which the friend i was arguing with then proceeded to tell me it “was my own stupid fault” and i just felt my heart stop and i couldnt breahe at all. 

i dont know if being so distressed around him and having panic attacks whenever that night is mentioned is normal but its been a year and i feel like my whole world stopped that night. 

Former Member

Hi @radicalfem, I saw you posted a comment on another thread and thought it might be better as it’s own discussion/separate thread so I have gone ahead and done that for you. This should mean you get some better answers to your question

Former Member

Hi @radicalfem and welcome to the Mix.

I’m so sorry to hear what you have gone through. I can really relate to your story having gone through a similar experience myself so I really feel for you - and understand how heartbreaking it is when your friends remain friends with him and don’t understand the seriousness of what’s happened to you. I promise you it was not your fault, your ‘friend’ has no idea what they are talking about blaming you. I actually lost a few friends because of what happened to me, and I’d say on reflection they weren’t good friends in the first place. 

I’d take a look at this https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/sexual-consent-15356.html which talks about consent and how coercion does not equal consent if you are pushed into saying yes. 

I also used to have panic attacks when I saw him or the night in question was mentioned... Honestly the best thing that seemed to work for me was therapy. There is a charity called Rape Crisis https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ who can help, they have a phone line and live chat if you would be interested in that. Hopefully we can help here too. 

What I also wanted to say was that (sadly) you are not alone, there are unfortunately a lot of women who have been through similar experiences and we are all here to support each other 💜

Here for you
Lucy