Asexuality

Former Member

Hi everyone,

I’m (F24) new here and have mainly come to ask questions as I am unsure whether or not I am asexual.

Sex (when it involves me, i.e. not porn) has never been something that has excited me and has always seemed more of a chore. I have been with 10 people over a span of 8 years and that feeling has never changed apart from one or two times (not people, times). I do get ‘turned on’ by watching things but if ever I am going to have sex it honestly just feels like something I need to get out of the way so I can do what I really want to do which is cuddle/ enjoy our time together etc (in a more intimate setting anyway). Also I find men attractive but not in the primal, sexual way. I find them pretty, not like a girl, but just I can appreciate their beauty and to me it’s a nicer way to say handsome. Anyway, I know I am straight as I only like men but body type doesn’t bother me, I never understood the whole bachelorette male stripper body/ entertainment/ magic mike thing as I just don’t see them in that way and lots of muscle isn’t something I’m attracted to.

I mentioned this to my friend and I was pretty much certain I was asexual because I could honestly never have sex again and I would be fine (specifically sex however, not masterbation) but she mentioned the fact that I’m on contraception (the pill) and that often lowers your sex drive. So now I’m unsure as I’ve been on one form of contraception or another since I started having sex.

So my question is, does anyone have any experience of this? And can they advise whether stopping the pill had an impact on their sex drive? As I would like to test it myself to see but if it’s not worth it I’d rather not and stay on the pill for safety reasons.

I’m sorry this is so ridiculously long and just me waffling but if anyone could help I’d really appreciate it!

Thank you! 

Former Member

Hey there welcome to the mix  

I've been on the pill and implant (on that currently) I haven't noticed much change to my sex drive. Though some certainly can get a lower one.

I don't think its common to cause literally no attraction to others.

It sounds like you could be asexual from what you say. You sound romantically invested in males but never have that attraction warranting sex. Asexuals can still masturbate some still have sexual desire but are just never attracted to others or care for sex with others.

Think at the end of the day if you're happy it doesn't matter

Stopping the pill and switching to implant made little to no effect on my drive I would say but everyone is different x

Former Member

Hey welcome to the mix Kook;)

I've never been on any contraceptive pills I have heard that they can have an impact on sex drive and attraction, I hope more people see this so they can share their stories.

I'm also F24 and I genuinely thought that I was asexual until I had my first (non sexual)fling at uni aged 20. Up until that point I'd been on and off various psychiatric medication but I was unable to tell if it had anything to do with it. That being said,  before that, there wasn't really any desire for sex or attraction to others. I thought I was broken but then I realised that It was just because I  didn't have my sexual awakening then. Now that I'm in my 2nd relationship(and sexual partner) I know that I only desire sex for my chosen human. 

I FEEL YOU TOO ON THE WHOLE BACHELORETTE THING! It does nothing for me either lol

Thank you again for sharing with us, I just wanted to say that what you're explaining sounds very normal. Humans are so soooo varied so chances are you're just tapping into what's always been there and that's okay

Salix

Former Member

I’m not sure how to respond to messages directly but I want to thank you both so much for responding! Both of you have been really helpful and it’s nice to know I’m not alone on certain aspects of it all (*cough* bachelorette parties *cough*) I think some of the reason is self-confidence so maybe the right person would help too. The information regarding masturbation & the pill was really helpful too and it’s nice to hear it from someone else not just my own thoughts!

Do you know how I can possibly get my post to reach more people? As I think it’s something that’s different for everyone but I’d love to hear more.

Thank you again! x

KookV

Former Member

Yeah for sure sometimes the right person can be all it takes. Sometimes it's just never your thing.

In my case i eventually came to the realization I was in fact Demisexual. (I'm only sexually attracted to people after forming a strong bond) 
Some argue that's just attraction lol but I would never ever do a hookup or anything of that sort.

I think over time your post will be reached by people who may have that experience and can offer it. 
If not you can always try other places like the student room which has a pretty active sexual health section. 

X

Former Member

I genuinely could not believe it reading your story @Past User , as I am in such a similar situation at the moment. I'm also 24F, but I've been in a relationship for 9 years this year. I love my boyfriend the world and back, and I can say for certain that I'm attracted to him. However, the past year or so I've had a lot going on (as I'm sure everyone has with Covid), and because of that and some major self-confidence issues on my part, we hadn't been as sexually active. I've been questioning if it could be down to contraception (like you, I've been on it since being sexually active at 16, so a long time), if it was my confidence issues, or if I was just Asexual. It was something my partner eventually brought up, as he feared I might've been Asexual too, and if I was, a relationship wouldn't work between us moving forward, as sex is really important to him in a relationship. Whenever I thought about being Asexual however, I got a really queasy feeling in my stomach. It didn't feel right. I didn't relate to the label. That's when I knew that I wasn't, because if I were, I'd imagine I'd feel almost "free" and "accepted", not "queasy" and "uncomfortable". From that point on, I've been experiencing really bad intrusive thoughts, which are screaming at me that I am, even though I know that I'm not, so I'm currently in therapy for them.

I suppose what you could take away from my story is this; does the label feel right to you? Are you feeling anything that I felt, like the label just doesn't sit right for some reason, or that when you label yourself as that, something just feels wrong about it? I think really focusing on those questions can help you come to some sort of conclusion. At the end of the day, only YOU can decide your sexuality, and you don't even have to pick a label if you don't want to! Sometimes just saying "I dunno, I'm just me" is a completely valid option, and you shouldn't feel pressured to subscribe to one label or another. You can even change your mind later on, humans are waaaaaay too complicated to get something like sexuality right the first time round anyway, haha.

I hope this helps!