Would like some views on this, did I relapse (*Trig warning*)

Distraction

*Trig Warning*

Hey,

I need some views on this

The other day I seen a beauty video of someone using a scalpel to scrape dead skin and loos hairs off someones face. Fast forward a few days later I'm making models for college and have a scalpel, I don't have urges, I'm not feeling emotional, I'm not thinking about sh, I'm ok, I just wanted to try shave my arms with it (like the video)

I then see cuts (must have leaned to hard) it wasn't my intention (consciously at least) to harm and I stopped as soon as I seen them (now I have a half hairy arm which I find funny), I have been a couple years harm free, is this a set back? I want to do it again (I'm not planning on it but feelings are bit stronger on doing it now) I like them there, I feel guilty for having them there, I want them gone but at the same time I want them to stay

I'm not sure what to make of this, is it a relapse? (I have been fighting with urges the past week but in that situation I didn't even think of them or feel them or maybe I did)

Thanks

Past User

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Distraction

Hi @errrin

Thank you, I just don't know if the thoughts of sh weren't on my mind because I pushed them so far back but the feelings were still there, when I think about it I was only focusing on taking the hairs away but I didn't mind that I got cut (in the first second), I'm trying my best to be honest with myself.

Was I picking up the scalpel secretly hoping it would happen, I knew it was dangerous to put myself in that situation but I discarded the thought, if it didn't happen, I wouldn't have gone on to do it so in other words it's like 'oops looked what happened silly me' because I strongly don't want to but I actually really do, I shouldn't have picked it up in the first place, I should have thought about it more but it was on impulse.  

I just don't know what I was thinking or even if I was

Past User

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Distraction

I'm not ok

Former Member

@Distraction What's going on right now? I don't know if you're still awake, but I'm here for an hour or so longer.

Distraction

@Past User I went for a walk and called Samaritans, sorry I didn't see your post until this morning but thank you 

I got home and just slept in the living room, I'm feeling more in control today which is good, I'm a little worried, it brought back a lot of things and I feel like I'm walking on a very high tightrope, not sure where to go for help (GP not an option)  

Former Member

Well done for being so pro-active in helping yourself yesterday, that's really great of you. I hope that a bit of fresh air and speaking to the samaritans gave you some comfort

Take it easy today. It's nice to hear that you're feeling more in control today. I'm wondering if the service finder might be of use to find some support. We are always here too

Distraction

Thanks @coc0mac

I tried the role finder, not many things close to me but it's appreciated (can't talk over phone/go for walk, people back home(they might be away over the weekend again))

It's a little harder now (nights always are) I don't mean to be a pain, but doing it is all I can think about, it's so hard to say no, especially when you've already done it (if you meant it or not)

I don't think I will, but theres a bit of me that really wants to and I'm scared about it, theres a few times I just thought about it, just do it and then I don't have a reason to stop 

Former Member

@Distraction, there will always be many reasons to stop even if you don't feel like it's true in the moment. I'm sorry it's really hard. It will get better again. We are here for you