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My Story of Sexualtiy:Confusion, Confusion, and Confidence

ThatFelixGuyThatFelixGuy Posts: 168 Helping Hand
Hey everyone!

My name is Felix (not my given name, but I chose this one as an online handle and it has stuck since.) and I am a 22 year old guy from Yorkshire. I am choosing to write this, because mainly I am still confused about who I am and what I like...but exploring the issue internally I have gained a mass of confidence in myself and I just feel ready to share my story online! 

Not quite ready to come out to the general public yet, though!

It started when I was about 11. My local primary school had movie afternoons at the end of the week to celebrate good behaviour, and a kid in my class put on High School Musical. At this point, the said kid was already out as gay and was one of the youngest experience's I found of someone coming out. Like, at that point I was never attracted to anyone, so these feelings were pushed to the side for a little while.

The next year in secondary school, I took a nasty tackle in Rugby and was forced to the sick room with my friend, Lewis. I had no idea at the time, but I think Lewis had a crush on me...and in a weird sense, I did too. I was bullied a lot in secondary school and so was he. We were kinda like brothers in arms until I moved away...but now I look back, I think all the signs were obvious that there *was* a connection between me and him.

As the years went on, and puberty set in, I started to find girls a lot less attractive and only ever embarked on two relationships with a girl. Both ended badly, but that is neither here or there. And it took me a further 3 years to realise why the relationships failed...

I was not into them. Not sexually, not romantically...I felt nothing.

It was like a teddy bear you keep past childhood. You keep it for love and affection, but ultimately it is a trophy. Nothing more, nothing less. And it took me until a date with a girl in college turned my attention. The date was interrupted by her younger brother - I was 18 at the time, and he was 16. And although me and the girl remained on the same page, me and Jay started talking a lot more, and on his 17th birthday we hung out and I very nearly spent the night with him.

It was then that I thought I was bisexual? Maybe I was gay because the last time I spent the night with a woman was when I was 16. It was really confusing, and I must have stumbled on these events for years and years now. but each and every time I look back, I am attracted to one of these guys. And although there are 2 girls I really like, for the most part, my crushes are all guys.

So I don't know if I am gay, if I am bisexual, or what. All I know is my confidence since looking back and reflecting has VASTLY improved. This time 2 years ago, I would not be able to tell anyone I was not straight. Online or real life! 

My main reason on coming to Themix is for more clarity and self-purpose and sod it, why not a few friends, too! I am hoping I can really find out *who* I am and not *what* I am. What I enjoy, who I am, and things that make me happy <3

I hope this story has helped some of you in a weird or wonderful way!
"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves." - Bruce Lee
Anch0r33independent_coc0macMikechubbydumpling

Comments

  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 429 Listening Ear
    It's very brave of you to share your story and it would be good to use this safe space to explore how you're feeling, regarding your sexuality, coming out and anything in between. Take your time and be honest with yourself - it might take time but with the difference you're noticing over the past 2 years I can see the progress you're making already! 

    Super proud of you and keep using this space to explore everything you need to explore ❤️
    👁️👄👁️
    ThatFelixGuy
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 5,198 Part of The Furniture
    Well done for sharing this on here @ThatFelixGuy, it’s really brave of you - it’s scary sharing something like this anywhere and putting it in writing. 

    I’m really glad to hear your confidence has improved recently, that’s the first step is accepting yourself. I identify as bisexual and it took me a long time to be ok saying that (and there’s still people I feel I can’t really tell at the moment). 

    Honestly take your time with it all, there is absolutely no rush - figure it out yourself first and take your time there’s no need to put a label on yourself before you’re ready to do that (if at all). 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    ThatFelixGuyAnch0r33
  • ThatFelixGuyThatFelixGuy Posts: 168 Helping Hand
    Well done for sharing this on here @ThatFelixGuy, it’s really brave of you - it’s scary sharing something like this anywhere and putting it in writing. 

    I’m really glad to hear your confidence has improved recently, that’s the first step is accepting yourself. I identify as bisexual and it took me a long time to be ok saying that (and there’s still people I feel I can’t really tell at the moment). 

    Honestly take your time with it all, there is absolutely no rush - figure it out yourself first and take your time there’s no need to put a label on yourself before you’re ready to do that (if at all). 
    Thank you, it is a hard thing to even think about. One of the few reasons my anxiety is peaking lol.
    "Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves." - Bruce Lee
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 583 Incredible Poster
    Thank you so much for sharing this with us here! :heart: You did so well writing that, and I really hope that you do find more clarity, self purpose and absolutely friends over here :smile: It was a very inspiring read! 

    If there's anything at all that you would like help working through or even just wanting somewhere to share your thoughts and have someone listen, we are RIGHT here :heart:
    ThatFelixGuy
  • ThatFelixGuyThatFelixGuy Posts: 168 Helping Hand
    coc0mac said:
    Thank you so much for sharing this with us here! :heart: You did so well writing that, and I really hope that you do find more clarity, self purpose and absolutely friends over here :smile: It was a very inspiring read! 

    If there's anything at all that you would like help working through or even just wanting somewhere to share your thoughts and have someone listen, we are RIGHT here :heart:
    Thank you <3 it is a really tough time for me mentally, physically, and sexually. I needed to write this up so I can at least confirm I am gay. Or identifying as such anyway.
    "Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves." - Bruce Lee
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 460 Moderator
    Thank you for sharing this with us @ThatFelixGuy! It's incredibly brave of you – I know it’s scary sharing something like this, even anonymously, especially when you haven’t got everything figured out yourself yet. No one here is going to judge you for not having all the answers.

    Sexuality is a continuum and where a person falls on that continuum can change over the course of their life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with experimenting, labelling yourself, not labelling yourself, finding out what fits, or just taking however much time you need to figure things out. How you feel and how you want to identify is what’s important. Like @independent_ said, there’s no rush. :)  

    It sounds like you’re very self-aware and dedicated to reflecting on your experiences. That’s awesome! I’m so glad you’ve been able to gain so much confidence and clarity about your identity, relationships, and desire for support. 

    There are lots of LGBT+ folks here at The Mix, me included, so you’re totally not alone in this. Please continue to tell your story and reach out for support here. We’re all listening <3
    ThatFelixGuy
  • ThatFelixGuyThatFelixGuy Posts: 168 Helping Hand
    Thank you for sharing this with us @ThatFelixGuy! It's incredibly brave of you – I know it’s scary sharing something like this, even anonymously, especially when you haven’t got everything figured out yourself yet. No one here is going to judge you for not having all the answers.

    Sexuality is a continuum and where a person falls on that continuum can change over the course of their life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with experimenting, labelling yourself, not labelling yourself, finding out what fits, or just taking however much time you need to figure things out. How you feel and how you want to identify is what’s important. Like @independent_ said, there’s no rush. :)  

    It sounds like you’re very self-aware and dedicated to reflecting on your experiences. That’s awesome! I’m so glad you’ve been able to gain so much confidence and clarity about your identity, relationships, and desire for support. 

    There are lots of LGBT+ folks here at The Mix, me included, so you’re totally not alone in this. Please continue to tell your story and reach out for support here. We’re all listening <3
    Thank you for this <3 it is a really tough time, so it is hard for me to even think of what to say. I will continue updating as I discover more about myself!
    "Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves." - Bruce Lee
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