Worried that I’m ‘frigid’ ?

Former Member

Hello, I’m Leah and I’m 20 years old. I’m not sure what I’m searching for with this post, maybe I’m just hoping that I’m not alone with how I’m feeling?

I have spent the past year thinking that I am lesbian. I have had both male and female partners and I have bonded better with the females but I have never been “in love” with any of the females. I think that this is because I’m scared of sex with men. I know it sounds so silly but I’m confused.

I never think about relationships simply because I don’t know what I’m looking for. Today my brother came out as gay and my dad had a private conversation about it with me. He said that he’s happy for him but he’s just upset that he will never have grandchildren. I told my parents last year that I was gay to stop them asking about boys in my life. 

I want children, I’m attracted to men but I’m scared of sex. I’m scared that it will hurt. I have never been able to use tampons or anything similar because I’m afraid of it hurting. I feel so silly sharing this lol.

I feel like I’m disappointing my parents by not being able to offer them the experience of being grandparents. I really want to be a parent myself and I’ve even considered adoption for in the future but the idea of sex is just off the cards. I can never see it happening.  It’s not just that I’m scared and I can overcome it, it’s genuinely feels like a phobia and it makes me feel uneasy. 

I don’t know if I’m lesbian or just frigid. I should know by now surely? Ughhhh

independent_

Hey @Past User, welcome to the boards it’s great to have you on here!!

I think it’s really understandable to feel scared. If you’ve never done it before it’s the unknown isn’t it and there’s a lot of scary stories out there about it really hurting. If it helps to know, sex can be a bit uncomfortable the first time for a lot of women, but it shouldn’t be really really painful. In fact my first time wasn’t painful at all. 

Have any of the relationships you’ve been in got to the stage where you could talk about this with your partner? Good communication is important in any relationship, but it’s especially so when it comes to sex and if you’re feeling really anxious. A good partner should be understanding, kind and supportive and most of all patient. Taking things really really slowly might help a bit if you feel you’re ready to go there with someone.

But if you feel this is a real phobia (which is sounds like you do) it might be worth seeking out some form of counselling and/or speaking to your GP. 

Take care, I hope you get this sorted  

Former Member

Hey Leah! 

Have you looked into asexuality? 
I can understand there's a phobia behind it. Do you think it's something you would want to overcome or are you happy to just never engage in that side of intimacy? (Which is quite normal and many do) 

You say in the start of your post you're scared of sex with men, would you be more intimate with a female or would you be the same with both sexes do you think? 

As Elle suggested you could look into counselling to talk about it more if and when you feel comfortable to. But I think it's nice to know you can still have a loving relationship without sex  

Don't worry about disappointing your parents if you want kids in the future there's other ways of doing it. And ultimately what you want is more important than what they want so don't put that pressure on yourself 💕

Is a relationship what you would like one day? 

Glad you feel able to share here and I hope you find it helpful x

Former Member

Hi @independent_ Thank you for responding. 

I know that it shouldn’t be painful and that’s what makes me feel so silly about being so scared.

I haven’t been able to talk to any of my partners in the past about it. I usually just say that I’m not ready for that. I had one guy break up with me because of it which was upsetting. I’m avoiding getting with anyone at the moment because I don’t want to drop the bomb shell onto them that I’m just not into sex.

Hey @Past User  thank you for your response. 

I’m not sure what Asexuality is but I’ll definitely research. I’m not sure it’s something that I want to overcome? I’m happy to just not have sex. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m scared of overcoming the fear or if I just don’t desire a sexual relationship? 

I say that I’m scared of sex with men because I’m worried that it will hurt but to be honest, I don’t like the intimacy with women either. I have been in many situations where I have nearly slept with someone but I always back out.

I would really love a relationship with no sex but I don’t know if that exists and if it does. It’s going to be hard to find someone who would be happy for that kind of relationship.

Thank you for the support around my parents, aww I nearly cried today when he said he was disappointed that he wouldn’t have grandchildren. He asked me if I could consider adoption and I said no... but I would eventually. I don’t want to get his hopes up to let him down in the future.

I would love a relationship but preferably no sex.

independent_

It is not silly at all @Past User, it’s a valid thing totally. 

Laine makes a very good point about asexuality. It’s definitely worth looking into that and seeing if you identify with any of it  

There are bound to be people out there who are looking for the same things as you are. It might take a bit of searching but you’ll find someone one day. A relationship without sex is by no means impossible, it would take a lot of communication early on to make sure you’re both on the same page about that  

Former Member

Asexuality is those who do not experience sexual attraction though there's more to it.
Some people don't at all but still want a relationship and cuddles. Some have a sex drive but just don't care for sex.

If you're happy without sex then you can have that. It can be a bit hard but many places allow you to find asexuals or people who are similar  
 
I don't think you need to stress yourself these things take time. If you don't want sex ever that's fine. If you ever want to explore those thoughts that's also fine you're perfectly normal and not alone x