Tricky relationship with my mum

Former Member

Hey guys, over the past few years I've struggled with my mum's attempt of keeping a relationship with me. 

It just feels so forced and awkward. I don't enjoy her company but I know she enjoys mine. She struggles with depression and doesn't have many friends so I almost feel obligated to spend time with her. 

Over the lockdown period I've been living with my boyfriend and his family - although I usually live with my grandparents through a kinship care arrangement. It's been a lot easier as I've not had to see her daily but now everything's calming down she's trying to spend more time with me. 

I'm not sure how to politely tell her I'm not wanting to spend so much time with her. Every subtle attempt I've made has gone straight over her head and I feel horrible straight up telling her I don't want to spend time with her. 

She messages me almost obsessively every day and I try my best to control the situation and set boundaries for myself of not answering her immediately and clearing notifications to stop them popping up at me. She doesn't seem to get the picture and I'm really at a loss of what else I can do. 

I called social work on her when I was around 13/14 due to the situation I was in and teachers/adults ignoring warning signs. Ever since then it's just been super awkward and I don't enjoy seeing her. 

Former Member

Forced relationships can be a really big strain on our wellbeing for sure. Not only can it be a dfficult experience to go through, it can also bring about horrible feelings about yourself for thinking these thoughts, especially when it includes family as they are seen in society as the pinacle of relationships.

Your feelings are valid here, and I wouldn't say they were "bad" feelings. It sounds as though something happened with your mom and, with the involvement of social services, it sounds like it could have been a serious situation. If you have that feeling of not wanting to spend time with someone, then there's usually a reason for that! Reflecting on that reason can help you feel  confident in setting boundaries and feel confident in your own feelings Once again these feelings towards family can make someone feel worse due to the fact that they are "family". I think, personally, that we don't have to treat family any different from friends.

It's good that things have been easier living with your boyfriend and his family. Sometimes time away can also help us figure out a situation. Reaching out and discussing the situation is also a positive step Have you spoken about this with anyone you know?

Former Member

@Connor thank you for this. It really helps having that little extra validation. I always feel bad for not wanting to spend time with her and end up feeling guilty. 

I've spoken a bit to some of the guys on here more than anything which definitely helps. My bf knows a lot of what happened and how I feel in general. 

I think it's just a really awkward situation to be in, I don't enjoy being stuck in it and I don't want to ruin the relationship with my grandparents (her parents) so I guess I just put up with it for them. 

Former Member

Hey @Anch0r33

This sounds like a really tricky situation to be in and I just wanted to echo that you shouldn't feel guilty for needing space from your mum. I think it's really positive living with your boyfriend so you can have that space - it sounds like you're in the right place.

Do you think you could talk to your grandparents about how you're feeling, and maybe they could talk to your mum on their behalf? Or is there any other family members or family friends that would do that for you?

Former Member

@Past User thank you for this. I do miss my grandparents but even with them just reminds me of too much that I don't need in my life. Like you say, I'm in a good place with my boyfriend. I'm most likely going to be staying overnight with my grandparents twice a week once everything covid wise settles down, which I'm excited for. Hopefully it won't be too overwhelming. 

My family never acknowledged that I got taken away from my mum and moved in with my grandparents. It was never spoken about (in front of me at least) and seems like a taboo subject to bring up tbh. I think it's just easier all round not mentioning anything. I don't even know if anyone else knows what happened tbh. 

I'm kinda just pushing through and trying to control any contact with her. If she messages me and I don't want to talk to her, I'll just ignore it until I want to speak to her. I get this is probably upsetting to her but I just tell her I'm busy and she deals with it. 

I'll think of a way to get the point across to her but I don't want to drag my family into it all. I've thought about writing a letter to her but I've never been able to get anything out. I just feel ridiculous for feeling guilty about it all, it's like I don't want to upset her even after everything...

Former Member

Hey @Anch0r33
This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation to be in and the level of awareness you have for all the different family dynamics is hopefully meaning that you are doing a very good job of managing it. 

I understand you say your family (incl. your grandparents I assume?) prefer not to talk about how you got taken away from your mum. Do you think you might be able to speak with your grandparents about it though to see what their perspective is? They obviously know you and your mum really well, and they could maybe offer a fresh opinion on things that only family could... 

The writing a letter idea is interesting. Have you tried just writing a letter without any intention of sending it? Just writing it to say what you think you want to say, leave it a week, and then come back to the letter and see whether the words still ring true...? 

Hope things with your boyfriend are good