I think I'm going insane again

Former Member

CW: Self-Harm

Hey my name is Ben and I'm 25 years old I've lived with mental health issues since my early teens I started hearing voices after my dad past away we wasn't close but I did care about him but soon after the voices started I kept it in as the school I was in you couldn't mention it as I would of been bullied but I kept it in and I had a bad few years I had depression and self harmed a few times when I was 18 but stopped but the voices didn't they were arguing with each other (2 voices) the bad one made the good one go away which left only the bad voice I was hearing and the good one never came back still till this day and I was hearing this bad voice that called himself Eric he was a bully to me everyday but I had a girlfriend at the time and we had a child together I hadnt told her about Eric for the 3 years I was with her as was to scared on how people would react to telling them about my issues or the voice I was hearing but things fell apart I lost my job my family my friends became distant and my baby mama left me and kicked me out I was homeless and had no money I didn't eat for 5 days and I ended up self-harming alot over the 5 days and as I was packing my stuff at the ex partner that we built together and Eric saying all these things like your son is better of without you and that everyone has left as noone wants to know a crazy and laughing at me crying and breaking down he was getting louder and worse over the period of 5 mins so I ended I trying to commit suicide in her flat it failed but I picked myself up and left the property after 2 weeks I got a job and moved back to my mom's but I started talking to the ex and met up with her we ended up getting back together and after 2 months and the Christmas holiday we broke up again our son was 1 I fell apart and became so ill I could no longer hide what was going on I told the doctors about Eric and my depression and the fact I was so anxious of everything and everybody and that I was self harming everyday and had injuries from self harm the contacted the crisis team and mental health team and after home visits regularly they sent me to hospital where I stayed for about a month and when I was released I had the ex family telling me that they had social on speed dial and that her step dad was friends with the social worker of our son which wasn't true but with what I was going threw and Eric was getting worse over time I tried to spend as much time with my son as I could but after month of being at home I tried to commit suicide. I woke up in the hospital and stayed there until I was transported to a different psyactric hospital 2 hours away from where I lived after 1 month again I was released and went home things were rough for a while but I had overnight acsess with my son 7 days a fortnight and then that stopped after 6 months and would see him 3 times a month for 6 months and when my son was 2 I had no contact the ex partner stopped me and my entire family seeing my son I had a new girlfriend by then who is my fiance now we had a misscarage last year and we have made each other okay she makes me feel so much better I hardly hear Eric a year later and have a home of our own 2 cats and I'm desperately fighting to see my son as its been a year no Contact and I'm going to courts soon as put my application in February but because of corona my case as been postponed till recently but I had an episode and Eric started after mot hearing him for 8 months I was shocked and it actually made me breakdown he hasn't done it since that episode but I feel I'm going back in that place and it scares me especially as Ive worked so hard to get to this point and I'm so close to getting to see my son again I don't want to do anything that will stop that happening and I'm getting depressed again and worried my psychosis will get worse again and that I might ending smoking cannabis again after staying clean to help towards seeing my son again  or hurting myself or doing something I will regret