My mum can't forgive me

Former Member

Hi everyone, so in March/April my mum was diagnosed with a moderate form of bronchiectasis (lung problem). At the time, I was moderately depressed for multiple reasons, and I was selfish in that I did not put in the effort that I should have in trying to help her through the shock of her diagnosis, as I could barely get up in the mornings. Although I support her much more now and she is happy with this (I am also feeling tons better mentally), she can't forgive me for not being there and seems to think it was intentional (which it was not, I do love her lots). Every time we have a small issue as is common in daughter/mother relationships, she brings it back to that time and how I was a horrible daughter. She also blames me for my dad not giving her enough attention during the time, as she thinks he was spending all of his time helping me. I often think the problem is more with my dad as they argue all the time and my mum is extremely angry with him (worse than with me), but consequently she takes it out on me. I don't know how I can help her and make up for it other than giving her as much support as I can now, any ideas?
Thanks in advance x

Former Member

Firstly I’m sorry to hear about your mum. But although you acted in a way you aren’t happy with in the past the important thing is that you have changed, you are making an effort to help. What you are doing now is more important than mistakes you may have made in the past.  

Its great that you are helping her, if she gets upset perhaps gently remind her than you are trying to help now and that you are here for her. Perhaps tell her than when she says those things you feel guilty, and you are trying your best to be with her during her hard time. 

It’s not your fault that you were going through something when she was diagnosed. Everyone goes though times of pain and hardship, and no ones pain is more important than anyone else’s. 

As for ideas, perhaps make her a nice breakfast in bed, remind her about how much you love her more often. If you are going out ask her if you can bring anything back for her, try to pick up a few household chores. Perhaps make a card or talk about happy memories you have made with her. But make sure you have time for yourself too, you might not be able to help as much if you are feeling burnt out or tired. 

I hope you are feeling okay, remember you are NOT a horrible daughter, you were just going though something difficult at an unfortunate time. 

  

Former Member

Hey @amara238 sending you hugs. 

I completely agree with everything that @Eyepatch has to say. I don't really have much to add really but I just wanted to repeat that you can't change what happened in the past so try not to feel too guilty about it, you had your own problems to go through and figure out, what you can do is be as supportive as possible now. But remember you need to keep putting your own mental health first too