What is with this guy?
Former Member
Posts: 3 Newbie
I will talk more about my situation.
I am currently with my partner of 2 years and I live with
him.
Just for the record I am not used to getting attention from any guys and when I
was at school I was not seen as very pretty to the boys. They would pick on me
for my looks and the girls would pick on me for being quiet, being “keen” and
not having many friends.
For the past 3 years I have been at my current company I
have been receiving attention from a guy who I have been told is 3 years older
than me and is a senior manager. I used to work under him for 18 months before
his department gave me up to another team. I have not in any way encouraged him. I smile at him, but I smile at anyone who I am friendly with. This guy is a social drinker, has very opinionated views on anything LGBT and transgender - he does frown upon it and has expressed contempt about this sort of thing and he swears a lot. My friends have told me he has lived on his own since moving out of his mum's 2 years ago and he is not seeing anyone, but I didn't even ask if he does live on his own or sees anyone. These same friends are friends with my parents and know that I am spoken for.
The first time I became aware of something was when he took me off for a chat,
sat down first and then when I sat down after he did, he shifted really close
to me, enough for the sides of our bodies to touch and for our feet and legs to
press and rub against each other. He is a big guy but there was room for him to
move and looking back I think to myself he could’ve moved if it was accidental,
but he didn’t move away at all.
The way he was sitting and leaning in towards me had brought
part of the front of his body behind me and his arm was pressing into my back and
I noticed people walking past us and looking over at us which made me feel uncomfortable.
I didn’t know how to react at the time, I felt almost frozen to the spot and
didn’t know what to say. He told me I am a good worker and told me not to leave
the company and this chat must have gone on for a good 20 minutes before we
went back to work. A few months later he said something suggesting to me to sleep with him at a hotel if we happened to be on holiday in the same place together.
He told me once when I was alone with him (everyone else had
gone home) that he found my social media page and that he saw and liked my
photos before sending me a message asking me for my mobile number. Because he is
senior in the business I figured he might have asked me in case of emergency.
But thinking about it further, he was simply my client and not my actual
employer (I worked for an agency), he could’ve asked me right then for my
number if it was for work and also not my direct manager but a manager
regardless.
I told him I did not read the message he sent because I didn’t
have access to my social media account – which was true because I couldn’t remember
the password and I didn’t use it that often. He seemed frustrated about what I
said. He also knows I am with someone.
A month after I left his team I encountered him again and he
asked me who I was working with and who was my manager and so on. He then told
me once that job came to an end to not leave the company and said if I needed
any help with anything to let him know.
I encountered him a lot more the following year (last year) because
he started working closer to where I was and I noticed other things happening. I
caught him looking down the front of my tops, looking at my butt and legs when
I wear trousers/leggings/jeans and up my skirts and dresses and I always dress
appropriately for work (though now we are in lockdown and we are all working
from home)
When I have caught him at it, he just looks straight at me and grins widely. If
I bump into him and he is with someone else he looks down at my body and then up
into my eyes and I can’t even give him a lot of eye contact because he looks so
intently at me all the time. All I can do is give him 1 or 2 seconds of eye contact before
I look away or look down at the floor.
He doesn’t like other people speaking to me by the looks of things, either, because I have caught him standing close by and watching the whole time I am there, almost glaring at me or the person I am speaking to. A friend of mine he works with says that this guy commented on me when I was at a previous party but wouldn’t go into any detail what he said, because that to me meant that he was being rude.
He once insinuated that my partner isn’t treating me right and has told others that my partner isn’t looking after me properly. Now my partner buys me flowers, does things around the house for me when I am not well or have had a bad day, he buys me drinks and meals and he suggests we go out to places and do things (not sexual) together. I mean, if this guy thinks he can do any better I would like to know how he plans to do that?
He has watched me leave work and use the company bus to go
home (when he has walked out of the building or when he is in his car) he even makes a point of going over to the bus and looking through the windows, he has tried to approach me on my own during my breaks and
also has been asking other people I used to work with for my name, my manager’s
name, where I work in the building, if I am leaving…
I mean, I like him as a friend because he was always nice to me, approachable,
caring and honest. And not afraid to speak his mind, but I really don’t know
how best to approach this or if it’s worth saying anything at work to anyone,
because I have a feeling that one of my friends at work is telling him when I
am thinking of leaving because they are active at the same time I say this and soon
after I say this, the guy goes on his own page and posts sad and really
negative stuff suggesting he isn’t happy. This other friend has told me not to
leave and give myself more time to “feel right” about leaving or staying.
Everyone I have spoken to (employment related) says what he is doing is wrong and I ought to report him - but he would know straight away it was me who was responsible and I don't want to make him angry or have him hate me. I have no experience with guys flirting with me and I got with my current partner because we met up, had same interests and views and we bonded without the need to flirt with each other.
Any advice appreciated.
Comments
To me, what he is doing seems inappropriate.
I've noticed you've made a point to describe the context, what you were doing, what you were wearing etc. but this information does not matter. He seems to be making advances that you don't like. The company should be able to deal with this situation especially if you feel you are unable to do so alone. Some companies allow you report things to HR anonymously. Is this possible for you?
From what you have said, it sound like he may be trying to make you doubt the quality of your current relationship so you will "pick" him instead. Even as friends, he seems quite possessive. Friends should allow you to speak to whoever you want to. I agree with everyone at work. I think reporting him would be good idea!
I'd hate to think you were leaving because of this man's behaviour and not on your own terms!
I hope this gets dealt with!
Stay safe!
I totally agree with above! This behaviour doesn't sound appropriate to me. It also sounds as if it makes you feel uncomfortable, which is understandable, and that alone justifies it as inappropriate.
I think asking about any anonymous reporting could be a good option. Perhaps you could ask them to phrase it in a way that they've had reports of him treating you in xyz way, spoken as if this was an observer that reported it and not you. It would be totally okay to explain these worries to HR, I'm sure they could help you to come to a conclusion to protect yourself and still get this resolved.
Alternatively, would you feel comfortable speaking to him at all? Totally understand if not, but just wanted to see your thoughts on that? X