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mental health in a relationship
sugarbutterflourx
Posts: 3 Newbie
hello,
I didn't know if to put this in well-being or relationships because it's to do with both, but I decided with mental health being the main topic to put it in here.x
i am really struggling and I don't know what to do or think, and so outside thoughts and perspectives would help me a lot. i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. he has always had anxiety but we have always navigated that well, also he is an introvert and I am an extrovert and that's mostly worked out okay. but now things are getting complicated...
when lockdown started we obviously couldn't see each other and I started to feel very distant from him. eventually we spoke and he basically said that his mental health and taken a dip and so he just closed himself off. he said that he is slowly beginning to feel better, but there are still things that are upsetting me
1 - i don't feel like he makes much effort. he never plans dates, never asks to see me. now that we can see each other post lock down (socially distanced of course) I hoped he would be suggesting new and exciting ways to spend this quality time together that we missed out on but he hasn't. I know he loves me, because when I brought this up he really opened up with his feelings, and essentially said anxiety gets in the way of planning things. but still...it would be nice to feel wanted and it doesn't have to be extreme fun things
2 - I worry that the balance of introvert and extrovert needs aren't being met. I respect that he gets charged from his own space whereas I get charged from being with people, so I leave it down to him really how much we see each other (it's not a lot). what bothers me is we have been together for four years and he still doesn't really know my friends because he won't make any effort to join us or speak to them or anything - because of social anxiety, but I feel like this is something that could have been worked on over these four years.x
3 - and then it's just little things like he cannot be spontaneous at all because of anxiety, which kinda dampens exciting things .for example my dad as a graduation gift offered to pay for us to go on a little staycation for a couple of days which I thought was so kind and generous. he then freaked out about all the practicalities and didn't show any appreciation or excitement so it dulled my sparkle a bit. or even like if I walk past his house and his family happen to be in the front garden I will say hello and he will just stand there, his mum always has to tell him to come and talk to me.
I really feel like anxiety is getting in the way of who he is and who we are. he said he will see a counsellor but he is being slow about the process to booking that. I am so torn, one part of me says I should leave him to protect myself as this could be a long process to overcome everything, whereas the other part of me says it breaks my heart to leave him and no matter how long it takes I should be there to help him. I am so so so torn. he said its up to me as he would rather we stay together so it's down to me...and I have never felt so confused in my entire life.x
what are your thoughts please? thank you for reading.x
I didn't know if to put this in well-being or relationships because it's to do with both, but I decided with mental health being the main topic to put it in here.x
i am really struggling and I don't know what to do or think, and so outside thoughts and perspectives would help me a lot. i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. he has always had anxiety but we have always navigated that well, also he is an introvert and I am an extrovert and that's mostly worked out okay. but now things are getting complicated...
when lockdown started we obviously couldn't see each other and I started to feel very distant from him. eventually we spoke and he basically said that his mental health and taken a dip and so he just closed himself off. he said that he is slowly beginning to feel better, but there are still things that are upsetting me
1 - i don't feel like he makes much effort. he never plans dates, never asks to see me. now that we can see each other post lock down (socially distanced of course) I hoped he would be suggesting new and exciting ways to spend this quality time together that we missed out on but he hasn't. I know he loves me, because when I brought this up he really opened up with his feelings, and essentially said anxiety gets in the way of planning things. but still...it would be nice to feel wanted and it doesn't have to be extreme fun things
2 - I worry that the balance of introvert and extrovert needs aren't being met. I respect that he gets charged from his own space whereas I get charged from being with people, so I leave it down to him really how much we see each other (it's not a lot). what bothers me is we have been together for four years and he still doesn't really know my friends because he won't make any effort to join us or speak to them or anything - because of social anxiety, but I feel like this is something that could have been worked on over these four years.x
3 - and then it's just little things like he cannot be spontaneous at all because of anxiety, which kinda dampens exciting things .for example my dad as a graduation gift offered to pay for us to go on a little staycation for a couple of days which I thought was so kind and generous. he then freaked out about all the practicalities and didn't show any appreciation or excitement so it dulled my sparkle a bit. or even like if I walk past his house and his family happen to be in the front garden I will say hello and he will just stand there, his mum always has to tell him to come and talk to me.
I really feel like anxiety is getting in the way of who he is and who we are. he said he will see a counsellor but he is being slow about the process to booking that. I am so torn, one part of me says I should leave him to protect myself as this could be a long process to overcome everything, whereas the other part of me says it breaks my heart to leave him and no matter how long it takes I should be there to help him. I am so so so torn. he said its up to me as he would rather we stay together so it's down to me...and I have never felt so confused in my entire life.x
what are your thoughts please? thank you for reading.x
0
Comments
Hey there @sugarbutterflourx I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with your relationship at the moment. Dating someone with mental health issues can be tough and I'd imagine having to deal with the Coronavirus situation on top of it would just make everything worse.
I'll do my best to offer some advice but since this is a very
personal and complicated issue please take everything I say with a
pinch of salt, at the end of the day the only person who can make
these decisions is you!
I assume from what you've written that you've spoken to your boyfriend about how you're feeling but just in case I will say that communication is a very important step with any kind of relationship issue. You might find it helpful to just try and get across to him how seriously this whole situation is affecting you. Hopefully if he knows you're considering ending the relationship over this he wouldn't be so slow about getting better like you mentioned.
This might be totally wrong but from your post it sort of sounds like you're hoping he will act differently of his own accord (planning dates, starting conversations etc.) and it could be that he just struggles a bit with knowing what to do or how to do it. As someone with a lot of social anxiety myself it can be so easy for things to just slip your mind as the "correct" way to act in different situations. Maybe if you give him a little nudge here and there he might pick up on it a little and start being more proactive in the future.
Sorry for writing up such a long response, there was a lot I wanted to go over. Hopefully what I've said is helpful to you and like I said these are all just suggestions, feel free to completely ignore me if what I've said doesn't apply.
Either way keep us up to date with how you're
getting on with it all and hopefully things start looking up for you soon. 