Tw - Problems with food

joya

Tw, I guess

Bpd its ruining me. My head never stops; my thoughts always gain a new reason for me being a sad, full of catastrophic, lie down on lame and a pessimist person. I'm already deep into that level where every new problem its boring and don't makes me worried anymore. 

Anxiety? Check. Depression? Check. Bipolar? Check. Voices? Oh yeah baby, check! Eating problems? Fuck now, I guess check.

I am skin, I have the Brazilian pattern: beautiful thighs, naturally large ass, slim waist, medium breasts... I have the ""perfect"" body. But if I eat a little more than usual, I get fat (not too much, but I gain weight). And I know there's no problem in being fat, it's ok. The important its being healthy. But my thoughts are always making me crazy, like the possibility of being a little more fat makes me soooo ugly, or soooo open to be unhealthy. I feel awful. It's a fight inside of me. Part of me it's like: "it's ok to gain more weight, you need it" and another it's like "you will never like yourself that way, you will never be okay with your body, you have to stop eating, you have to stop eating everything, you are too fat, the clothes are not fitting in you anymore". And I'm so scared because I know what ED can make with someone, it's a fight that I am not capable to deal with it. But I am already thinking about calories, about exercises, about the pleasure of not eating and those stuff.

Its exhausting. I really don't know what to do to stop myself. 

Lucy307

Hey Joya

Sounds like you are going through a lot right now, I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with problems with food too. If you don’t mind me asking, do you get any support for your bpd? 

It sounds like you are thinking a lot about your weight. I have been through periods of doing that, started to count calories and relentlessly exercise, I find my energy levels and motivation get lower when I get fixated on it. To be honest I try to forget about my weight most of the time now and distract myself with other parts of life, it’s not easy though. Do you weigh yourself or look in the mirror often? I’ve found since I’ve stopped doing both of those things I’ve forgotten about it quicker.

Sending hugs 💜
Lucy

joya

Thanks @Lucy307, yeah, it's being rough these days but yeah, I have psychiatric support (Wednesday I have an appointment), but no more the psychological support (I have a new medical plan where i can access free appointments/consults with psychologist, but it takes a time to be "free" for use since I have made the plan last month) so... yeah, with medication I'm okay, and I have the support of my family and friends, but no one to really talk about those hard stuffs  

And I'm sorry for you pass for the same than I, it's a mess and exhausting. And yes, I do look in the mirror so much and I measure my belly all the time. I put my clothes to see if they fit me all the time too... I'm staying neurotical again -.-

I will see my doctor and I will tell him about everything: the paranoia, the voices that are getting too loud, the problems with food, the problems with my body and all those stuff. I know that's nothing its gonna change at all, but I have to try, right?

Again, thanks!!

joya

i feel so bad right now, i wish i could cry, but i have no forces to that... i have no one to talk about how hard its being to keep on like everything its fine. im so so frustrated. i feel nothing. i want to feel something. oh gosh, please..i'm begging you... let me feel something, doesnt matter what... just something

Arianna

Big hugs @joya. I get what you mean about just wanting to feel anything, even pain, when everything’s just numb. I don’t know what makes it better, honestly. Hot drinks help sometimes, or spicy food, or lemon. Sometimes a hot shower, or get a pet to lay on you, or watch a comforting movie. Anything that’s grounding. If the emotional stuff is all blank then physical stuff is at least something.

We all care for you. Hang in there. Here whenever you need x

joya

Thank you so much @Arianna!! You give me some ideas now,, I will just take another shower and watch something sad and i don't know, try to take off this bad emotions crying, maybe where there's a dog can make me cry hahah ,,, again, thank you!!!

joya

just to uptade this and let die with time, I went to the psychiatric appointment and the doctor increased the dosages of my meds; I finally had the courage to expose about my problem with paranoia (I had an episode that I faithfully thought i was schizophrenic and that they (my friends and parents) were hiding / plotting against me). it is difficult to say about these things, but I hope to be able to feel better with the new dosage of the medicine. i told him about the voices, the apathy, the problem with food, the problem with anothers paranoias... and well, i told everything i had to tell.

I don't know if I really want to get any better, I found it easier to be where I am: in the mud; it is easier to be sad, it is more satisfying not to be happy, not to have positive feelings about anything and nobody, about just being a cake of strong negative thoughts in a painful loop of anguish.

I'm tired of everything. of me. of my cynicism. of my trap. of the trap that I created. I'm tired of people. falsehood. the false morality and the pity they have for me. I'm tired. i dont wanna fight no more and found out that there's no way to figure out or solve the problem. i'm so exhausted. 

Arianna

One of the biggest lies mental illness tells us is that it’s better this way, because this is easier, @joya. But it’s really not, babe. It might be easier only because it is familiar, but that doesn’t make it good. Recovery will be better. You don’t miss the illness. You don’t even notice it go. I promise that this will one day be worth it. Until then, a day at a time. Hang in there.x