Feeling lost and hurt and struggling to forgive myself

Former Member

hey, hope you are well

I have been having the feelings of betrayal towards myself.

So my ex used to hide things from me and lie to me (e.g. he went on holiday with his ex and friends 2 months into the relationship. And I found out 6 months into the relationship. He made it sound as if his ex wasn't even in the picture and went on holiday. He showed me all the pictures and told me all the stories just never that his ex was there too)

How do I forgive myself that I stayed with him for another 1.5 years after that?

There was obviously more things wrong with the relationship that he did but how do I forgive myself that I stayed with him?

At the time I just thought it was normal cos he normalised it... by saying ''i didn't know how much you wanted to know, I didnt know how much I was suppoed to say. But I've nwver lied to you, ive never hidden anything from you"

He broke up with me after 2 years after he victimised himself and told me I was toxic, told me I was attacking, told me I was belittling.

So I just feel so powerless now that when I had been given so many red flags during the relationship... and early on... that i couldnt break up with him...

And the insult that he broke up with me... projecting his own guilt onto me and blaming me instead...

How do I let myself off the hook for something like that. How do i get over that insult. How could I have let myself hurt even more ? How could I have done that to myself

Former Member

It's very brave of you to talk about your experiences here @Past User I think just about everyone has gone through a bad break-up at some point so it's definitely understandable what you're dealing with.

I think probably the biggest piece of advice I can give is rather than trying to forgive yourself it's important to not try and blame yourself in the first place. It's easy to feel like there's things you could've done differently, signs you should've noticed earlier, but at the end of the day there's only one person at fault for the way your ex treated you, your ex.

Hopefully you're able to move on from your break-up and grow stronger as a person, I'm definitely rooting for you!

Former Member

Hey @Past User 

I have just replied to your other post but wanted to come on here and reply to this one too because I think it's so important for you to not blame yourself.

I think its so easy when you're in love with someone that you believe everything that they say and can't see any of the bad things - I know I've definitely been like that in the past. He sounds like he's a manipulative person and when someone is like that it's so hard to see them for who they really are.

I think it's great that you're seeing these things now and noticing what wasn't good about your relationship - I really believe that these will help you get over him. 

Also if you're interested check out this guide to self care - maybe try some of these things out - because you really deserve to be kind to yourself right now: https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/looking-after-yourself/a-guide-to-self-care-15574.html

Take care x

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Sending huge hugs your way. It sounds like you have been through a difficult time and you really did not deserve to be treated in that way.

I think @Riley has it spot on by saying 'rather than trying to forgive yourself it's important to not try and blame yourself in the first place.' I can really hear that all throughout your relationship they made you believe that you were in the wrong, that you were to blame, and that they were the victim. It sounds a lot like something called 'gaslighting' in my opinion - is this something you have heard of before? 

As a result, it's totally understandable that you are now feeling this way. But that doesn't make it right. The truth is, you have nothing to blame yourself for. It's not at all your fault for staying with them despite the red flags - manipulative people have a way of making that happen. Totally not your fault. The fact you are recognising things retrospectively also shows a lot of strength inside of you to recognise and acknowledge. You are doing well

I am just wondering, how does it feel for you to hear these replies offering a different perspective?