Alone

Former Member

Hey, I haven’t posted in so so long.
I’ve had another really rough couple of months. I got kicked out of university halls for my mental health when I got sectioned again. Spent a while on a section 2, and as they were moving me onto a section 3, they decided that hospital isn’t a healthy place for me. Which in some ways I agree with. I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and all the restraints and IMs were making me spiral into a bad state of dissociation with some extreme flashbacks. After I left the ward I found a cheap house share and then got pretty badly bullied by my housemates simply for struggling with my mental health. I didn’t want to socialise and drink with them all the time, so they turned to bullying me and I basically got bullied out of the house. I got kicked out without my key and we were in full lockdown when we were only allowed to leave for essentials. I was found by the police, in a flashback, with a “self harm item” and got arrested for carrying it. They didn’t offer my any support for my mental health despite having to give me medical attention for the physical harm I’d done. They released me, and found me again a few hours later. Each time I explained to them that I didn’t have anywhere to go. This time they fined me for breaching lockdown rules, and drove me to my address. My housemates wouldn’t let me in, so the police had to break down the door. My landlord refused to sign a legal document that basically meant I was homeless, and I signed a contract to agree to move out. I didn’t realise that this meant I had “made myself homeless” and the council refused to help me. I spent about 2 months sofa surfing before finding another cheap house to live in. It takes all my money to live here, so I have had to use a food bank. 

I spent a while with no intervention or help, simply because I didn’t leave my room. My self harm got bad and my care coordinator seems to turn me away as soon as things get too difficult for her to handle. My GP got concerned after I had to attend for an infection and she saw the state I was in. She sent me for a MHA and they thankfully decided not to section me again, but instead give me HBT. The HBT team are crap and tell me to “have a cup of tea” and “colour in” like I haven’t already tried that. I spent a total of 18 days in hospital for attempts in one month. I saw the same paramedic 3 times and he is disgusted by this areas mental health system. I also got to know a really lovely police officer who is filing a complaint against the MH system. It’s really failing people around here. I’ve had a friend die. I’ve had people on my ward die. Because they’re so negligent. The people that help and care the most simply don’t have the resources to continue to support me, because there people are nurses, paramedics, police officers. They need the mental health system to take up that slack but they won’t. How many times do I have to be carried into a&e, restrained, cuffed, leg strapped, pinned down, injected, for them to realise that I’m not refusing help, but they’re refusing to help me? I’m begging for their help. And they don’t give it. They keep blaming us, I’ve been told to “grow up” and “get on with it”. You can’t blame people for struggling and being failed help. 

I have nobody. I have nobody to have my back for me. I’m alone and it’s terrifying. I could die here in this room and nobody would notice for weeks. Nobody cares at all. 

Former Member

Hey @Past User
Let me just say first off that you've done a really brave thing posting on here. Can't imagine it was an easy thing to do but people on the Mix respond to openness and honesty so I'm sure I won't be the last person to respond to this thread 

What you have been through over the past few months sounds insanely tough. Something that stood out to me in your post was your self-awareness to recognise that the area you live in is really struggling to care for the mental health of the community.  How do you feel about continuing to live in the same area or would you be open to trying somewhere else?

You say that you are alone and that noone has your back. Please know that people on the Mix are here for you and we definitely have your back If you don't feel able to speak to anyone you know, then you could call Papyrus on 

0800 068 4141 or there's also 

Samaritans on 116123 

There are people that care about you, and hopefully the Mix can show you that you are not alone

Former Member

Hi @Past User

I wanted to echo what @JamJar has said - you truly have been so brave to share this here and I am so glad that you did. No matter how it feels, please know you are never truly alone because there is always going to be us here. We care about you and I want you to know that you are so important in this world and you really deserve to feel safe and supported, always. It doesn't sound like the 'support' you've received previously has really been that way, but I hope that very soon you receive the care and support that does prove to you that somebody cares and that you really do matter. You deserve it

Sorry if you did explain this in your post and I missed it, but I am just wondering where you are staying right now - are you safe?