Mental health

independent_

I feel like I have to say I'm ok even if I'm really not, and that it's so much easier to say that I'm ok than to explain my full situation every time. But in reality I'm probably the lowest I've ever been, I have no real positivity about or indeed motivation for the future at the moment, I'm so anxious about most things I feel I can't relax, everything I do and trying to act 'normal' takes all the energy I have. It's like I'm living my life through a cloud of just feeling so low and pretending I'm not all the time and I'm losing who I am within that. 

Idk what I'm really asking for here I guess I just needed a bit of a rant mostly I'm so fed up of keeping this to myself.

Former Member

It sounds like you feel you can't talk to your friends or family about how you are really feeling @independent_

I can sympathise with not wanting to tell people you are close with how you are really feeling. Sometimes we feel it is easier for us if we put on a smile and say we are okay.

It sounds like keeping how you are really feeling and putting on this "act" takes a lot of your energy and you are fed up with it. It's really good you've taken the time to reach out here on these forums.

Do you have anyone you feel like you could talk to about how you really feel? I know you mentioned that you feel like you have to say you are okay so I was wondering if there was anyone you were close enough with that you could talk about how you really feel? This could be a friend, family member, or a professional you feel comfortable speaking with.

independent_

@Jordan thank you for replying that means a lot, I felt really silly writing this because it just seems so stupid really. So your reply means a lot to me

I don’t have anyone really, I have a couple of friends who know but they don’t know how bad it is really. 

I wouldn’t know where to start with talking to others. 

Former Member

I know it can be hard to take our feelings seriously but there is no need to feel stupid because you want to talk and express how you really feel.

It can be difficult talking about how you feel with others. It's good that some of your friends know, and it is also good you took the time to post on these forums. 

I can't give you concrete advice on what will work for you but I'll share how I feel and what has worked for me. It can be easier to be honest and express yourself more clearly over text than in person. Speaking to someone in person, especially when we are in a group, we may feel pressure or an obligation to say we are fine when we are not. Having one-on-one conversations over text may make it easier for us to open up to specific trusted people. It allows us to control exactly when we say it, how we say it, and at the same time you can highlight what you expect or want from the other person. You can make it clear if you just want to rant, or want advice, or just want to open up about how you feel. Speaking over a text message is ideal for when we don't know how to start talking about how we feel because it allows us to control so much.

On top of that, reflect on how others speak to you. Have there been times when a friend has spoken honestly to you about how they feel? Remember, it doesn't have to be purely about mental health. Have your friends ever told you their honest thoughts about a relationship, job, situation, or something else?

You mentioned that you'd find it difficult to say in full how you feel every time. Is there anyone around you that you spend a lot of time with? For example, outside of work and study, I spend a lot of time with my flatmate. He knows pretty much all of my ups and downs, the hurdles I've faced, and the problems I'm going through. When I am feeling down or not 100% okay, because he already knows most of what is impacting my mental health, I don't need to start from the beginning every time.

Finally you could consider starting small. When the people you trust the most ask how you are doing, think about not saying you are okay when you are not, but starting small. For example, just saying that you feel average or slightly down today. Naturally, the people you say this to will ask more about how you are feeling and it gives you a way to talk about the way you are feeling.

I hope some of this was of some help or inspiration for you. Like I said, not all of what I have talked about will be relevant to your situation. Let me know what you think might work best for you or what you feel uncomfortable with.

independent_

Thanks again @Jordan! I guess texting could be easier but the people I’d text would no doubt come straight to me and talk to me in person anyways if I texted. I guess it’s probably easier to know I can actually think about what I say and write it out.

There’s a few people I spend a lot of time with, but I’ve spent so long just pretending that I’ve become very good at it, so they don’t have a clue. I’m quite often a person people come and talk to, which is good I guess I like to think I can be supportive to others.

One of the major problems I have is a massive fear of what others think and how they’ll react, so I think that’s mostly what stops me saying anything. 

Starlight

Hey Elle, hope your alright  

I really relate to saying I’m fine when I’m really not, in fact my mum has no clue I’m struggling what so ever and thinks I’m doing the best I ever have. I feel like the more we hide it from others the more we begin to loose ourselves and then it becomes harder to talk about since you no longer know what’s “normal” and what’s not and you start to forget who you are in a sense. 

I know it can be extremely hard to reach out and tell people and I can’t really speak since I still haven’t spoken to my parents properly and don’t think I will for a while at least. But I have been able to speak out to a couple friends and get them to help get me support. Speaking to my friends was really hard to begin with since they always knew me as the fun, caring and silly friend and to tell them otherwise was hard, but eventually it became easier. Usually if I need to talk to them about something I’ll ask one of my friends to meet me for a walk and message them that I have something to talk about that’s worrying me so that they know before hand. I find this helps well since they aren’t shocked when you tell them what’s going on and they seem to ask less questions. I haven’t quite told them everything as I don’t want them worrying but I’ve told 2 friends enough that they can be there for me to rant to pretty much anytime and I have another friend that kinda knows but not fully. I then asked over text if one of my closest friends would be able to ask school for me about getting counselling as I was too scared. Now I’m so glad I spoke to my few friends. 

I know your situation is probably much different however finding one or two close friends can be really helpful. I find it easy to speak to them as i can text them before we meet up whereas with my parents I can’t as they will just bombard me with un answerable questions. I hope this might help a little but I don’t know aha. Hope it all works out for you lovely

independent_

aww @Starlight, thank you to be honest even people replying to this has been helpful in a way. 

I know what you mean about parents, the thought of the endless list of questions is scary aha. My parents also think this is me at the best I’ve ever been (they knew I struggled when I was younger but I talked to them a lot more then) but in fact it’s the opposite and the thought of telling them so is scary.

Aww, that’s great about your friends, hearing your story with regards to that is encouraging. The only person I talk to who could possible help me more practically is my partner, the friends who know are all the online ones as I don’t actually have many offline friends. But I haven’t seen my partner since before lockdown so that’s been really hard too. 

To be honestly I’m just struggling with pretending to be fine now. It’s like I think to myself all the time “how do fine people act”? and it’s really hard trying to keep that up all the time. 

Thank you again for replying it means so much I hope you’re alright too  

Starlight

Yeah I get it’s hard to keep up being fine all the time, it becomes emotionally and mentally exhausting and it just makes everything seem worse. It’s been a blessing having kinda chilled out parents and a bedroom super far away from them aha they barely come to check on me now a days so that’s alright.

Its amazing you’ve got your partner that’s there for you and to support you, it’s a shame you haven’t seen each other in so long. It’s still someone to talk to nevertheless and I’m sure they’ll be able to help you out as soon as they can because you are important! 

Can you go for walks by yourself? Or is there anywhere you can go to just let it out? My shower is often a very good let it go area aha. I know hiding is super hard and isn’t always the best thing to do but until you get the courage to speak to your parents again you need might want to find your little safe space where you know you can do whatever and let it all out without having to explain yourself. 

independent_

@Starlight yeah, my parents are the same, they rarely come and check on me nowadays either and my room and their’s are on opposite sides of the house aha so it’s like I do have a sort of space to get away from them. The shower is a good hiding space as well. I’ve been spendinga lot of my time hiding away at the moment to be fair.

I’m hoping I’ll be able to see my partner soon, some of the rules are changing in Scotland next week so maybe after that happens but yeah I’m so glad I’ve been able to talk to him through this. He’s been through a lot himself so he’s really understanding of this stuff. 

Starlight

Ahh that’s great! I hope you get to see him soon, until then if you need anything we’re all here. I know it’s not the same but we’re all here to listen and help as best we can

independent_

Thank you so much @Starlight, I just reread my post from last night it made very little sense. I suppose it’s just good to know I can have that rant somewhere