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School Anxiety (teachers)
Starlight
Posts: 1,438 Wise Owl
So I've been proper stressing these past few days with a whole load of school-related worries and it's all making me feel really quite anxious and panicky. I think this is going to be quite a long post so I don't mind if you don't read it all, just needed somewhere to let it out.
I used to love school but my relationship with school started going downhill in about year 8 id say, as I started to get uncomfortable in lessons and they'd make me feel sick and id go home crying (which looking back now I think was me feeling anxious but I didn't realise at the time). Ever since then I started to enjoy school less and less until it got to the point I would cry on the way to school every morning and was always late in since I really didn't want to be there. I was having panic attacks frequently and stopped speaking to people. I was also not sleeping and was constantly feeling exhausted (both physically and mentally) and felt sick a lot of the time.
After a few panic attacks and arriving to lessons crying, I finally snapped and broke down on what was my last day before lockdown. I arrived 5 minutes late to my maths lesson, the teacher asked why me and my friend were always late and Id had enough id not slept the night before and had cried the whole way to school. So I replied saying "miss there are more important things that being late" which looking back wasn't the best thing I could've said but I was really struggling and didn't know what else to say. She then got really mad I had talked back and started telling me that it was not like me to talk back and that it wasn't like me to be late ever, I started crying so she sent me outside to calm down. When she came out to speak to me she then explained she knew something was wrong because I wasn't acting myself and told me that what I had said was true but I shouldn't have said it there and then as it wasn't appropriate which I agreed with, I apologised and she told me to take a few more minutes to calm down before I went back in for the class. (btw: shes one of my favorite teacher's shes always there for me and got me through so much during GCSE's) She then contacted our pastoral carer in Sixth Form and also the head of Maths (who also teaches me). Later in the lesson the head of maths came to speak to me but I told him I was fine (I clearly was not though aha) and then I spoke to our pastoral carer at break again telling her I was fine.
That morning I had 4 hours of maths lessons (2 Alevel maths, 2 ASlevel further maths) so by the time it got to P5 (drama) I was exhausted! Also to add to this at lunch I had been informed my drama coursework was going to be sent off for checking, which I was not too annoyed with as I put a lot of time and effort into my coursework and thought it was decent coursework. Anyways, it got to P5 drama and my coursework was missing video evidence that we were never told by our teachers we needed so we had to pretend to be rehearsing for our piece of theatre for video evidence. I wasn't 100% sure what was going on and after my ridiculously already stressful day had a panic attack just as the recording started and froze, then ran out of the room, I was so embarrassed. Then my other teacher who was teaching year 8 next door at the time came out into the corridor and yelled at me saying that it's so important and if I don't get it all our coursework will fail the inspection and all the work will have to be sent off etc. etc. Basically, she had marked our coursework "wrong" again (she did it at GCSE as well and everyone was put down a grade) and if it turned out she had marked my coursework wrong shed get done for it and could possibly lose her job as it wasn't the first time. At some point whilst she was screaming at me I started uncontrollable crying and I felt like a letdown and a failure, I felt horrible like id let everyone down. So my teacher yelled and screamed at my face for 5 minutes until she threatened that I'd fail and I responded with "I don't care if I fail" and she got so annoyed with me and then shouted at me for making her have to leave her year 8's so I responded with "well go back to them then" and so she sent me to the sixth form area and told the pastoral carer to come to get me (the one I told I was fine to about 2 hours ago aha).
I then went to our social room crying and in complete distress, I'd had enough and just wanted it all to end I really didn't care if I failed or not the grades meant nothing to me. I was then taken into the pastoral office and was told I shouldn't have said I was fine since I clearly wasn't and she told me to tell her what happened, I I started to explain and then part way through my drama teacher (the one that yelled at me) stormed over (she broke one of the doors off the hinge by pulling to to hard) and came into the office and had a stern word with me telling me again how important it was, like I hadn't heard it before. In the end pastoral took me back over to drama where my other drama teacher was waiting and we got the shots for my coursework.
I know I sounded like I wasn't acting in the way I should've but I had already gone through months of stress and anxiety from going to and being in lessons (especially drama lessons) I really didn't want to be there and I was just done I really just wanted to give up and go hide in a hole, maybe bury myself alive or something. I used to sit in our social room during my frees by myself and just cry and sleep and I never spoke to anyone I hated being there so so much!! The thing is I love my school mostly just lessons etc. made me extremely anxious. Also that day our pastoral carer said she would set up counseling for me as there was clearly a problem. She also called home to tell my mum what had happened, so I arrived home to be told off by my mum who thought it was ridiculous and I was in the wrong I was fuming but of course I couldn't say anything so went and cried in my room.
Right so that's the story of my last day of school, not to mention said drama teacher took 2 months to reply to my email asking about set work over lockdown when she replied to everyone else within days and I am even more of a wreck than I was 3 months ago. Last week my sixth form started face to face lessons and online lessons through Microsoft teams. I did a maths one last week which was awful, this Thursday I have both a 3 hour maths online class and then a 1.5 hour drama online class with said yelling teacher. Maths is first and I don't even know if ill be able to make it through it and then dramas after which I'm dreading even more than maths. I'm really scared about doing the class due to current events as mentioned and other events from before as well. I just don't think I'm in the right state of mind to put up with these lessons. Im still not over what happened on that last day and I rarely stop thinking about it and I don't know what to do now.
Sorry for the really long post I really needed to get this all out there and off my chest. This is one of the many things that has been really affecting me recently and I just feel so hopeless and even more scared to go back to actual schools and see her face to face. I used to love her so much and looked up to her and I think she liked me as a student too but I feel like I've just become a massive pain for her and she now hates me. Again sorry for the long post I just don't know where to stop aha. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
I used to love school but my relationship with school started going downhill in about year 8 id say, as I started to get uncomfortable in lessons and they'd make me feel sick and id go home crying (which looking back now I think was me feeling anxious but I didn't realise at the time). Ever since then I started to enjoy school less and less until it got to the point I would cry on the way to school every morning and was always late in since I really didn't want to be there. I was having panic attacks frequently and stopped speaking to people. I was also not sleeping and was constantly feeling exhausted (both physically and mentally) and felt sick a lot of the time.
After a few panic attacks and arriving to lessons crying, I finally snapped and broke down on what was my last day before lockdown. I arrived 5 minutes late to my maths lesson, the teacher asked why me and my friend were always late and Id had enough id not slept the night before and had cried the whole way to school. So I replied saying "miss there are more important things that being late" which looking back wasn't the best thing I could've said but I was really struggling and didn't know what else to say. She then got really mad I had talked back and started telling me that it was not like me to talk back and that it wasn't like me to be late ever, I started crying so she sent me outside to calm down. When she came out to speak to me she then explained she knew something was wrong because I wasn't acting myself and told me that what I had said was true but I shouldn't have said it there and then as it wasn't appropriate which I agreed with, I apologised and she told me to take a few more minutes to calm down before I went back in for the class. (btw: shes one of my favorite teacher's shes always there for me and got me through so much during GCSE's) She then contacted our pastoral carer in Sixth Form and also the head of Maths (who also teaches me). Later in the lesson the head of maths came to speak to me but I told him I was fine (I clearly was not though aha) and then I spoke to our pastoral carer at break again telling her I was fine.
That morning I had 4 hours of maths lessons (2 Alevel maths, 2 ASlevel further maths) so by the time it got to P5 (drama) I was exhausted! Also to add to this at lunch I had been informed my drama coursework was going to be sent off for checking, which I was not too annoyed with as I put a lot of time and effort into my coursework and thought it was decent coursework. Anyways, it got to P5 drama and my coursework was missing video evidence that we were never told by our teachers we needed so we had to pretend to be rehearsing for our piece of theatre for video evidence. I wasn't 100% sure what was going on and after my ridiculously already stressful day had a panic attack just as the recording started and froze, then ran out of the room, I was so embarrassed. Then my other teacher who was teaching year 8 next door at the time came out into the corridor and yelled at me saying that it's so important and if I don't get it all our coursework will fail the inspection and all the work will have to be sent off etc. etc. Basically, she had marked our coursework "wrong" again (she did it at GCSE as well and everyone was put down a grade) and if it turned out she had marked my coursework wrong shed get done for it and could possibly lose her job as it wasn't the first time. At some point whilst she was screaming at me I started uncontrollable crying and I felt like a letdown and a failure, I felt horrible like id let everyone down. So my teacher yelled and screamed at my face for 5 minutes until she threatened that I'd fail and I responded with "I don't care if I fail" and she got so annoyed with me and then shouted at me for making her have to leave her year 8's so I responded with "well go back to them then" and so she sent me to the sixth form area and told the pastoral carer to come to get me (the one I told I was fine to about 2 hours ago aha).
I then went to our social room crying and in complete distress, I'd had enough and just wanted it all to end I really didn't care if I failed or not the grades meant nothing to me. I was then taken into the pastoral office and was told I shouldn't have said I was fine since I clearly wasn't and she told me to tell her what happened, I I started to explain and then part way through my drama teacher (the one that yelled at me) stormed over (she broke one of the doors off the hinge by pulling to to hard) and came into the office and had a stern word with me telling me again how important it was, like I hadn't heard it before. In the end pastoral took me back over to drama where my other drama teacher was waiting and we got the shots for my coursework.
I know I sounded like I wasn't acting in the way I should've but I had already gone through months of stress and anxiety from going to and being in lessons (especially drama lessons) I really didn't want to be there and I was just done I really just wanted to give up and go hide in a hole, maybe bury myself alive or something. I used to sit in our social room during my frees by myself and just cry and sleep and I never spoke to anyone I hated being there so so much!! The thing is I love my school mostly just lessons etc. made me extremely anxious. Also that day our pastoral carer said she would set up counseling for me as there was clearly a problem. She also called home to tell my mum what had happened, so I arrived home to be told off by my mum who thought it was ridiculous and I was in the wrong I was fuming but of course I couldn't say anything so went and cried in my room.
Right so that's the story of my last day of school, not to mention said drama teacher took 2 months to reply to my email asking about set work over lockdown when she replied to everyone else within days and I am even more of a wreck than I was 3 months ago. Last week my sixth form started face to face lessons and online lessons through Microsoft teams. I did a maths one last week which was awful, this Thursday I have both a 3 hour maths online class and then a 1.5 hour drama online class with said yelling teacher. Maths is first and I don't even know if ill be able to make it through it and then dramas after which I'm dreading even more than maths. I'm really scared about doing the class due to current events as mentioned and other events from before as well. I just don't think I'm in the right state of mind to put up with these lessons. Im still not over what happened on that last day and I rarely stop thinking about it and I don't know what to do now.
Sorry for the really long post I really needed to get this all out there and off my chest. This is one of the many things that has been really affecting me recently and I just feel so hopeless and even more scared to go back to actual schools and see her face to face. I used to love her so much and looked up to her and I think she liked me as a student too but I feel like I've just become a massive pain for her and she now hates me. Again sorry for the long post I just don't know where to stop aha. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
* Shine like the star you are! *
4
Comments
P.S: Only know what we suffer through to solve and heal it.
I loved how you wrote it. Touches my heart.
Bless!
I read it all, I bet that's a relief just writing it all down, even slightly. I sometimes find that just writing it all down can help because it's like it's not all in your head anymore.
A lot of this actually resonates with me because I had some similar experiences when I was at school, and I had a teacher who acted in a similar way towards me and it massively affected me for the rest of the time that I was there. So, although my situation was slightly different, I know how horrible it is to have them speak to you like that and not be understanding of anxiety, stress etc. Especially when it's a person who you used to look up to. I too found school a very stressful place, and I think far too many teachers (while great at their job) are only focused on one thing and that's the numbers that the school can get in terms of grades - and the wellbeing of students seems to come second to them. Which is very sad, but it was certainly my experience and it looks like it's been yours too.
In terms of the online lessons, I can appreciate why that's really scary for you, I'd feel the exact same. I guess the one good thing about online lessons is that you're in control of when (and if) you turn the camera/microphone on, and if you feel you need some time out, it's a bit easier to take it. If you'd feel more comfortable with the camera off or the microphone or both (even just slightly more comfortable) then that might be worth doing.
Does your maths teacher know how you've been feeling about going to online lessons? You said she's been there for you and understanding, that's really great!! Do you think she'd understand if you told her you were finding it quite difficult to be in the lessons?
I don't have much advice for you/if this is even helpful but I just wanted you to know that I read it (don't worry about it being long) and that I totally understand how you feel, so you're not alone.
Sending you massive hugs
Thank you again, nice to know Im not alone and I have people that are there to listen to my (ridiculously long) rants.
Keeping your camera/microphone off sounds like a good plan for now, then at least you know the others in the class/teacher can't see/hear you. Can you work with music on? I find music calms me down, and if it's the same for you, you could maybe put something on in the background.