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was it assault or not?

ems16ems16 Posts: 27 Boards Initiate
a while ago I was talking to a boy, I then stayed over at his house because I wasn’t stupid and wasn’t thinking, I also drank not a lot but I get drunk very easily. I wasn’t passed out or anything and he asked me to u know have sex I said no but he kept saying please and annoying me until I eventually gave in, it didn’t really last long i told him that it hurt n I wanted to stop and he did
was it assault or i overreacting


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    ems16ems16 Posts: 27 Boards Initiate
    meant to say I was stupid 
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    independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,667 Legendary Poster
    Hiya @ems16, it was lovely to see you in Group chat last night by the way, it’s Elle.

    Pressuring someone into having sex is not ok. If you don’t consent, continuing to pressure you until you do is coercion and not really consent. I’ve had experience with this too, but it was somebody online and it really feels horrible.

    So I guess it would come under sexual assault/ coercive behaviour. Either way not ok at all. 

    I hope you’re doing ok, sending hugs <3 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
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    CalebCaleb Posts: 52 Boards Initiate
    edited June 2020
    This sounds like you were coerced into having sex with this person, in other words you were pressured to the point where you felt you had to let him have sex with you. You were not in the wrong, he was. No means no and it sounds like had told him that you didn’t want this, he should’ve listened. 

    I can’t answer for you whether or not it was assault but given that sexual coercion is real, take that and your feelings and decide yourself if you think that this was assault. Did you want it? Were you comfortable with this? Did he pressure you into agreeing to have sex with him? Did you feel scared/vulnerable perhaps ?
    Did you feel able to consent after having a few drinks?

    Youre not stupid, I’m sorry you had to go through this. No one has the right to hurt your body or pressure you into having sex.

    How are you feeling after going through this?
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    JordanJordan Moderator Posts: 343 The Mix Regular
    edited June 2020
    I agree with what those above have said @ems16. It sounds like, from what you have said, that you were pressured and "worn down" till you feel that you had no option to agree to have sex. Pressuring someone into having sex isn't really consent, as the person(you) did not want to agree in the first place.

    This site discusses coercion and sexual consent. They descrcibe how sexual coercion is an unwanted sexual activity that takes place after someone has been worn down or repatedly asked for sex. They describe several different ways someone might use sexual coercion, and one of them includes wearing down by asking again and again or by making you feel obligated to consent. Please note that the site is an American site so if you do look at it any legal or helpline advice given will not be relevant to your situation if you are from the United Kingdom.

    Relate talk about pressure and having sex, it might be worth looking through this link as I feel it provides some useful information. If you feel like you want to talk to someone, you can get in touch with Women's Aid on their 24 hour helpline at 0808 2000 247. They'll be able to talk through what happened, how you feel, and what you can do next.

    Drinking alcohol can also impair our ability to give consent. I got the following information from this site, which describes consent and alcohol.  Someone would be too drunk to give consent if their speech was slurred, seemed drowsy, have thrown up, or won't be able to remember what happened the next day.  When asking someone for consent, someone should be fully coordinated and responsive. Even if someone were to say yes in this situation, it doesn't necessarily mean it was consensual. 

    We obviously don't know how drunk you felt, so if possible you could reflect on how drunk you were and it it matches any of that criteria.

    Let us know how you are feeling and what you think :smile:
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    Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular
    Hi @ems16

    I agree with what all of the guys have said above. I just want you to know that you aren't stupid and just because you were drunk and went home with someone doesn't mean that he had the right to pressure you that way. This isn't your fault so please don't feel like it is <3
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    ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 4,074 Community Veteran
    thts not gd!!!!! his actions were illegal, u were forced into it, thts an assault 
    Crazy mad insane
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