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Boyfriend ignoring my feelings
Former Member
Posts: 1 Just got here
TLDR: boyfriend is dealing with mental health issues, I have tried to be as supportive as possible but my feelings get shut down when brought up and I don't feel like I'm getting any support from him. How can I get him to listen to my feelings without putting his down?
Since my boyfriend started his graduate job last December he has hated every minute of it and his happiness has slowly disappeared. Then lockdown happens and his mental health just got even worse. We've had 2 arguments, both began when I tried expressing my own feelings. The first time I may not have handled my emotions very well and said things that would not have helped his mental health.. But this second time I have made a massive effort to not brng up my feelings and just be there for him. I have offered support, surprised him with a care package, made an effort to give words of affirmation and directed him to resources that have helped me in the past. He has acknowledged some of my efforts which I appreciate.
Yesterday I simply asked how he would feel if I spent a day or two at his flat. Usually he would come to mine because I have 3 cats and it just makes things easier but I thought it would be easier for him and nice for him for me to be at his for a change. I then explained that I don't want to invade his space and we don't have to do anything in particuar, i simply want to spend time with him because quality time is my love language. Due to lockdown and him needing a more space than usual we really haven't seen much of each other and I feel a massive distance between us. He replied saying he understands but I have to understand that he is struggling, which he established and I have acknowledged plenty of times before. I felt like my feelings were shut down straight away and he went on to say that its not fair I got upset with him.
Since lockdown I have felt unhappy in the relationship but I just don't think he really understands that and I don't know how I can get the message across without insinuating a break up of diminishing his feelings.
I don't want the relationship to end as we do feel we are right for each other and this problem can resolved.
I'm also not a massively patient person when I have a lot feelings and things to say. He hasn't replied to my response to his message. I'm also quite an emotionally dependent person on the partner I'm with, something I am working on, but this whole situation is too much for me to comprehend and work through, especially when I feel lonely.
I think I'm ranting more than anything but if anyone has any advice on how I can deal with this situation it would be much appreciated.
Since my boyfriend started his graduate job last December he has hated every minute of it and his happiness has slowly disappeared. Then lockdown happens and his mental health just got even worse. We've had 2 arguments, both began when I tried expressing my own feelings. The first time I may not have handled my emotions very well and said things that would not have helped his mental health.. But this second time I have made a massive effort to not brng up my feelings and just be there for him. I have offered support, surprised him with a care package, made an effort to give words of affirmation and directed him to resources that have helped me in the past. He has acknowledged some of my efforts which I appreciate.
Yesterday I simply asked how he would feel if I spent a day or two at his flat. Usually he would come to mine because I have 3 cats and it just makes things easier but I thought it would be easier for him and nice for him for me to be at his for a change. I then explained that I don't want to invade his space and we don't have to do anything in particuar, i simply want to spend time with him because quality time is my love language. Due to lockdown and him needing a more space than usual we really haven't seen much of each other and I feel a massive distance between us. He replied saying he understands but I have to understand that he is struggling, which he established and I have acknowledged plenty of times before. I felt like my feelings were shut down straight away and he went on to say that its not fair I got upset with him.
Since lockdown I have felt unhappy in the relationship but I just don't think he really understands that and I don't know how I can get the message across without insinuating a break up of diminishing his feelings.
I don't want the relationship to end as we do feel we are right for each other and this problem can resolved.
I'm also not a massively patient person when I have a lot feelings and things to say. He hasn't replied to my response to his message. I'm also quite an emotionally dependent person on the partner I'm with, something I am working on, but this whole situation is too much for me to comprehend and work through, especially when I feel lonely.
I think I'm ranting more than anything but if anyone has any advice on how I can deal with this situation it would be much appreciated.
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Comments
It's sad to hear that your relationship is struggling during this time. You are not alone, many other people, including myself, are struggling to "restructure" their relationships so that they are not too negatively affected by the lockdown. You seem like you have a lot more on your hands though! Especially because you obviously care about your boyfriends mental health.
I'll try to give you some advice. I'd suggest start by telling yourself what you don't want instead of what you do want because this can be easier. You have said that you don't want the relationship to end so I think it would be a good idea to tell your boyfriend exactly how you feel. Maybe over text messages if you can't speak to him in person. You could start by reassuring him that you don't want to have an argument, you don't want to end the relationship and that you just want to tell him how you feel. For me writing things (messages) helps me stick to the point. It usually prevents me from getting too emotional because if I was speaking to someone face-to-face, I'd let my emotions guide the conversation instead of my words.
Text message may be better for him too because he could respond when he is in the right headspace. Then when he responds, you could read his response and then wait until you're in the right headspace too etc.
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/dealing-with-arguments-2934.html
I have attached an article about dealing with arguments. Hopefully you find it useful as it could help you understand why you may be having arguments. One of the points in the article is about communication and I think that is most important. Communication is key! I understand that you are trying to protect your boyfriends mental health but I don't think you should disregard your own emotions and feelings.
I hope you and your boyfriend can find a way to communicate exactly how youse are feeling!
I think @Tee A put it perfectly - couldn't agree more! So just wanted to echo their advice. I also wanted to send you a hug and just let you know that we are all here for you.
I hope using this space to rant also helped you in some way too - it can be great to get things off your chest