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Recent Anxiety and Depression
Past User
Posts: 0 Just got here
Hey all, hope you're all doing okay.
For the past month I've been struggling quite badly. At first just with the usual low moods, but for the past 3 weeks or so it turned to quite severe anxiety, which has been pretty much constant and is not something that I'm used to experiencing so badly. I think I've mentioned it all in other threads but I've been struggling to eat, struggling to sleep properly, struggling to concentrate and just generally struggling. I started having nightmares and have been becoming more and more paranoid really. I feel as though every text, email and letter is going to contain some devastating information, that I'm being watched, and that something terrible is on its way in some indeterminate amount of time.
I wish I could listen to my own logic regarding it all, but it's tough with so much time alone to dwell on things. I'm sick of feeling this way so I've been doing a lot to try and combat it. I spent some time trying to sort out transferring my GPs and finally got back on medication. I got a referral to the local Wellbeing Service for an assessment and even went for another walk in assessment as my family became scared to leave me alone, despite my telling them I didn't intend on doing myself any harm. I have an appointment with the Wellbeing Service on Tuesday to discuss potential counselling and am trying to refer myself to the Dove Service for more specific counselling for bereavement, which I'm starting to believe is playing a huge role in how I'm currently feeling. Despite all of this the times in between waiting for appointments have been really hard, so I've been having frequent email exchanges with the Samaritans, conversations with CALM, and I figure it would be a good idea to post on here too.
Fortunately today I don't feel quite as anxious, although the worries are still lingering, and I'm worried that the worries will come back just as strong as before in quite the awful cycle. But I think perhaps I'm a little emotionally drained on that front, instead I feel extremely low and am struggling to care. It's taken my mind to things I'd rather avoid thinking about. I just think about how I desperately want my Dad's advice on how I'm feeling at the moment, and I know that it's one thing I can never have. I realise now that I'm incapable of thinking about my Dad without becoming a wreck. It takes my breath away and puts me in actual pain, and leaves me clutching at my chest crying silently. It's a sensation I've tried to completely avoid for the almost 7 years since he died, and with it being such a long time ago, I've been apprehensive about referring myself for bereavement counselling as I feel others might need it more. But lately I'm struggling more and more and managing to link it all back to bereavement, and I realise there are issues I've never tried to work through.
It may even be responsible for why I've had such bad anxiety, and that perhaps that anxiety has been on the way for a long time. I'm completely terrified of when the next bit of horrible news, or the next problem is coming to destroy me and my self confidence, which is already pretty rock bottom. It's repeatedly reminded me of walking out of school chatting to my friend one minute, and the next, getting in the car where my mum proceeded to tell me my Dad had died. I usually struggle with feeling low regarding other things too, namely loneliness and self loathing, and perhaps that's on the way next. But as it stands I haven't really thought much about it, I think everything else is just too much. I'm really drained and really tired, and I guess I'm just clawing my way forwards in time until the next appointment, and the appointment after that, and so on. Until hopefully somethings start to change and get a little better.
I'm usually one for trying to be at least a little positive, and playing devils advocate to my own self destructive thoughts, even if I don't believe it. But I just can't do it. I'm sorry there's nothing positive in this post, but even still thank you for reading.
For the past month I've been struggling quite badly. At first just with the usual low moods, but for the past 3 weeks or so it turned to quite severe anxiety, which has been pretty much constant and is not something that I'm used to experiencing so badly. I think I've mentioned it all in other threads but I've been struggling to eat, struggling to sleep properly, struggling to concentrate and just generally struggling. I started having nightmares and have been becoming more and more paranoid really. I feel as though every text, email and letter is going to contain some devastating information, that I'm being watched, and that something terrible is on its way in some indeterminate amount of time.
I wish I could listen to my own logic regarding it all, but it's tough with so much time alone to dwell on things. I'm sick of feeling this way so I've been doing a lot to try and combat it. I spent some time trying to sort out transferring my GPs and finally got back on medication. I got a referral to the local Wellbeing Service for an assessment and even went for another walk in assessment as my family became scared to leave me alone, despite my telling them I didn't intend on doing myself any harm. I have an appointment with the Wellbeing Service on Tuesday to discuss potential counselling and am trying to refer myself to the Dove Service for more specific counselling for bereavement, which I'm starting to believe is playing a huge role in how I'm currently feeling. Despite all of this the times in between waiting for appointments have been really hard, so I've been having frequent email exchanges with the Samaritans, conversations with CALM, and I figure it would be a good idea to post on here too.
Fortunately today I don't feel quite as anxious, although the worries are still lingering, and I'm worried that the worries will come back just as strong as before in quite the awful cycle. But I think perhaps I'm a little emotionally drained on that front, instead I feel extremely low and am struggling to care. It's taken my mind to things I'd rather avoid thinking about. I just think about how I desperately want my Dad's advice on how I'm feeling at the moment, and I know that it's one thing I can never have. I realise now that I'm incapable of thinking about my Dad without becoming a wreck. It takes my breath away and puts me in actual pain, and leaves me clutching at my chest crying silently. It's a sensation I've tried to completely avoid for the almost 7 years since he died, and with it being such a long time ago, I've been apprehensive about referring myself for bereavement counselling as I feel others might need it more. But lately I'm struggling more and more and managing to link it all back to bereavement, and I realise there are issues I've never tried to work through.
It may even be responsible for why I've had such bad anxiety, and that perhaps that anxiety has been on the way for a long time. I'm completely terrified of when the next bit of horrible news, or the next problem is coming to destroy me and my self confidence, which is already pretty rock bottom. It's repeatedly reminded me of walking out of school chatting to my friend one minute, and the next, getting in the car where my mum proceeded to tell me my Dad had died. I usually struggle with feeling low regarding other things too, namely loneliness and self loathing, and perhaps that's on the way next. But as it stands I haven't really thought much about it, I think everything else is just too much. I'm really drained and really tired, and I guess I'm just clawing my way forwards in time until the next appointment, and the appointment after that, and so on. Until hopefully somethings start to change and get a little better.
I'm usually one for trying to be at least a little positive, and playing devils advocate to my own self destructive thoughts, even if I don't believe it. But I just can't do it. I'm sorry there's nothing positive in this post, but even still thank you for reading.
3
Comments
Sending big hugs to you. This sounds tough, so I want you to know we are right here to listen and support you
I wanted to say a huge well done for seeking the support you are seeking. It truly is not always easy to talk about how we are feeling or to reach out for support, so the fact you have been able to shows so much courage and strength inside of you.
You also sound very self aware, in a sense that you have really taken the time to work through your feelings and understand some of the reasons you might be feeling the way you do. Again, that's a really strong quality to have - you are doing really well
I just wanted to reinforce that, no matter how difficult times may feel right now, things really can and do get better. You are doing all the right things to reach a positive place, and we will all be here to support you every step of the way. x
I am just wondering, how did you feel after writing this post to us here? Did it help to get things off your chest?
I always feel better for talking, despite the fact I don't do it very frequently, and I find that making yourself write things helps get to the truth of what's going on a little easier. It's proving to be quite malignant though honestly. While talking about the things which are upsetting me and the support of others is helping take it off my mind, the anxiety is draining me and bringing me back again. For now though I feel a bit better, albeit very tired, so hopefully I can get a good night's sleep for the first time in weeks.
It can definitely feel daunting to know that there is time to wait. Please just remember that we are right here to support you every step of the way - you don't have to go through this alone
Still not doing great honestly. Generally anxious, but feeling that way so often is just draining. It's been sapping away at my enthusiasm for things and just making me feel generally low. But we'll see what happens as more appointments come around I suppose.
Either way thank you for asking! And I appreciate everybody here.