Internal Monologue

Past User

I don't really know where to start with this one, but over the past couple weeks I've had plenty of low moments hit me. It tends to happen fairly regularly. I have periods of feeling pretty good or at the very least content with what I'm doing. Then all of that'll change for some reason or another, however trivial, and then I start spiralling.

I'm not really someone who likes talking about things, so I figure I'll just try to convey some of my internal monologue, as I try to rationalise everything to myself. I figure it all had to have started after a couple significant events in my life. Deaths of people very close to me and unpleasant experiences with one of those people. It's where I took the mindset of wanting absolutely nobody to ever feel sympathy for me, treat me differently or have me feel awkward knowing that they knew the shitty details of my personal life.

So I never told anyone a thing, and did anything I could not to think about it myself. The combination of the two kept me pretty insulated from being horrifically depressed but I suppose it also formed the way I approach everything. Not talking spread to pretty much every topic and everyone excluding my closest friends, and what seemed like avoiding hunting for sympathy was really just me cutting myself off from everything around me. Now I feel distant from everybody, a lot of my family included, and it feels too awkward now to try to bridge those gaps.

Which leads me on to feeling underdeveloped, I suppose is an accurate way of describing it. Dealing with certain issues seems insurmountable to me because perhaps I matured to quickly after having shit happen, then matured no further afterwards. In addition to not having guidance from someone I respected dearly and lost.

Despite that, the people that died and those experience aren't what's usually at the front of my mind when I feel this way, just seemingly the route cause of it. Usually it's just things I dislike about myself, general loneliness and the horror of admitting that to myself. It makes me sad, then I think about why I feel that way and come back to where it started. I get angry thinking about it all, which is nice because at least it's something. But it dies away as quickly as it comes, perhaps I got so good at hiding my own feelings that I stopped being able to express them properly.

So great I think to myself sarcastically, atleast you've identified some serious problems that can be addressed. But the problem I keep hitting is that, I dont really want anything from life, beyond just for my family to be happy. What do you work towards fixing when nothing has any real meaning, I dont feel connected to anyone and I haven't had any ambition in a long time. Just cant really remember feeling anything truly grounding beyond adoring my sister.

I would never do anything to myself because I couldn't and will not put other people / family through what I've experienced, but it doesn't really feel like I'm living for myself. And I oftentimes censor that realisation.

Past User

Honestly I've just been staring at this site for ages thinking about everything and the only conclusion I ever come to is: "It's just not worth it." As I close down the window.

Also the repeat thought that I need to have all of my discussions / my account deleted. I hate the idea of there being records and such tacit admissions of what I'm thinking all the time. 

Oh well I suppose. Either way, thanks for taking the time to read my rant.

independent_

Hey,

I read it, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It sounds really difficult.

I can relate to a lot of what you say here and it’s always ok to write here. I know what you mean about the record of what you’re thinking, but here it is completely anonymous so no one will be able to identify you from it, I’ve always found that to be reassuring.

Have you spoken to anyone in your life, such as your sister, about how you’re feeling at the moment?

Former Member

Hi @Spook98

I firstly wanted to say well done for sharing this with us. I understand that sharing how you feel can feel very daunting, and I totally acknowledge some of the anxieties you are having around 'records' of your thoughts. However, ranting and talking about your feelings can often be one of the very best ways we can help ourselves...so that's really something to be proud of

It sounds like you have been through a lot, so I wanted to send some big hugs. I'd also like to echo @independent_'s question of whether you have spoken to anybody before? 

Sometimes when we rant, we simply want to get things off our chest and that alone can be a help. Sometimes we want people to just listen, and sometimes we might want some more specific support. I was just wondering if you know how you would best like to be supported?

Also, in terms of your feelings that your thoughts are always on record, remember that your thoughts are anonymous to an extent because of your username and display picture that don't disclose personal info. So, you could almost treat 'Spook98' as an alias of sorts - this might help to keep a sense of privacy in your personal life

Take good care, we are all here for you

Past User

Thank you both @independent_ and @coc0mac, despite what I said about not talking, it does mean a lot when people seem to care. 

To answer both of your questions, yes I did start becoming more and more open about things. For the most part that was only ever with medical professionals such as my GP and counsellors. And afterwards I spoke more to others too, but stopped after a while as I felt I was only ever speaking about feeling low. Working through things with doctors helps of course. Counselling helps and medication helps, but I haven't been on medication for a long while now, nor had any counselling either.

As for the thoughts about there being records of what I've said, they're just that, idle thoughts. It's not so much that they can be held up next to who I am. It's that they're there at all and I have to see that I've posted it and made official certain admissions about myself. I understand it's not particularly rational thinking but it's there nonetheless.

Past User

I suppose in terms of talking to people in general to help alleviate feeling down or lonely. I'm just not good at starting conversations with people, probably as a natural extension of "avoiding sympathy." Becoming more introverted as a result of that, it eventually turned into "Does this person really want to talk to me?" From that I fell out of touch with a lot of people immediately and a lot of others over time too. Now I only ever really speak to people if it's in reply. Just means I dont have too many places to turn to when it comes time for the rare occasions I do feel I need something or someone to talk to.

Former Member

Hi @Spook98

Thank you for being open about how you are feeling, you are doing so well. And we will always be here, to listen and to care

That's positive to hear that you have spoken to people before and that counselling and medication has previously helped. You say you haven't had either for a long while now, is this something you would consider getting back into? 

You have explained your thoughts about talking to people really well, and I think that could be a great note to hold onto if you were to speak to a counsellor again, as that's a good thing to work on. 

But most importantly, do remember that you will always have us to turn to when you do want to talk,  

Past User

Yeah I definitely would, it's just been a little awkward what with moving away from uni and the lockdown. Beyond that I guess I've just been putting it off when I shouldn't have.

Thank you for the kind words, I'll do my best to convey my thoughts honestly going forward and not get bogged down trying to deal with things by myself.

independent_

I’d definitely suggest trying to seek out the things that have made things easier for you and helped you in the past. Hopefully that will improve things for you again this time round.

Bottling things up can also make them feel much much worse so I’m glad you’re talking about it here

Past User

Feels like a fitting thread to post this in. Sorry for being so dramatic.

What's the point? Why even bother? Nothing will change. It will only make things worse. I'm too tired. There's nobody there, but then that's my fault isn't it. Why am I like this? I don't want this anymore. I have nothing going for me. So worthless. This is pathetic, just keep your mouth shut. Just accept it. People will only think differently of you, and eventually just be irritated. 

Just keep to yourself, this is only making things worse. Stop thinking about it, go to sleep, and see if things are better when you wake up.


Really wish I didn't have to go through this process every time I write a post with regards to myself. Still not really comfortable with others, either in general, or when talking about myself. I pick and choose what and what not to say very carefully instead of just being honest. I enjoy talking to and doing my best to help others but as soon as my thoughts turn to myself, it's just really exhausting.