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tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
edited May 5 in Health & Wellbeing
Today not be so great really, in terms of it being super stressful.
I think I regret kinda taking off day almost. I did it cuz work has been stressful not cos im doing anything it is cos i aint and ive spent so much time just trying to install some stupid software. Sure it was exciting to see it finally working but it doesnt feel like i achieved anything much on top of that there were times i just sat there cuz put so much energy into getting something that should only take a few hours take maybe several weeks.

Bascially my dad has been shouting at me tons. I dunno why he says I didn't help because i opened the door when the delivery came. I didnt take the bags cus if i did he would complain cos he wants to leave them there a while before takin in but then he said i didnt help with that. Which is nonsense cus i was right there in the next room waiting and he could have asked and i would immediately help. Same with the cheese and the printer. I did try to shout downstairs about printer, but he didnt reply. He often tells me I get in the way anyway. He only went and complained to me later I didn't help. Then he makes me do stuff. And then he again complains because I'm waiting for instruction instead of taking intative. Yet usually if I try doing something and i dont do it how he likes he complains. But I did do stuff after that. Earlier in the day I even waited downstairs until he asked for help with a table, which i didnt help with only because he said he didnt need that help anymore.
Then later I was helping with computer issues for an hour even though I'd rather rest and I don't feel appreciated. By that time I'm getting very tired. I do play games inbetween but thats cos i wanna relax a bit, and after I do because I got super stressed and thats what would calm me down.

Then I go down to dinner reluctantly because I feel already unwell. I lay table out even though dun feel well but yeah its an easy task. Then afterwards i have to put stuff away. Which I help with while my mum and dad still sitting down. And I put some stuff away and throw some stuff away. But just cos apparently I left some sauce in the kitchen without putting it directly into cupboard my dad complains. Well I was doing things one at a time. And these were two types of sauce belonging to different places, they were together on the table so i just grabbed them quickly. But he said it wasn't orderly and just creating another job. Apparently I should have grabbed the cheese and the cold sauce together. But firstly im dizzing and not well, secondly I don't think it really matters does it? If the job is done. There is more than one way to do things and honestly not much slower. He said not much point i did anything in the first place, in which case I rather not help then.

I feel so low energy now and im stuck in my bed, don't feel good at all. I can't do the stuff I wanna do often and it's not just cuz lockdown yeah but everything feels much more intense.

So many times today literally just wanted to rip stuff apart. It's a fairly recent thing thats just gotten worse, only cuz all the stress. Yesterday my dad also complained a bit and stuff. And even though ive been helping with home deliveries and everything. A few times I tried to bend my phone and its worrying cuz my phone gave a warning message once the camera had temporarily stopped working, but seems fine now no damage.

A few years ago anger was an emotion i hardly ever experienced (Other than a little to some abusive housemates and the occasional fight)
A friend of mine might have added to the stress and maybe given me a little of anger that made things bad, though don't think been so bad really, and idk she was one of the reasons I kept going anyway.
Life feels like a prison and I don't like it. I don't always feel like I can meet my friends.ย 
It's hard cuz most my frens I met on internet and so trust issues so i have to make stuff up and it's super tiring. Tbh im not an angry person, but I have recently tried to defend myself more so that might be why, but i dont wanna pretend im dumb or something or get treated like shit. And yeah jus stressed.ย 
I often don't even feel safe to buy the stuff I like. money is money but i dont feel like I can use it, usually what i buy is stil guided by my parents way too much. Though i dont pay the bills so yeah, my dad did say i might have to or just pay for shopping and i paid one bill (dun mind so much) kinda reluctant tho still cuz i dun get to buy stuff i want and i rather move out but okay i might, if i should or need to but i still feel unhappy. I mean i was already planning to buy some amazon stuff yeah. But i havent even recieved birthday or christimas presents in ages (like literally barely anything at all at christmas or birthday not even much joke or smol gifts) so i dont really feel so happy about it. My birthday in lockdown i kept totally quiet about only reminded about it later on when my company set a gift (also just to help ppl in lockdown) quite late on but some ppl found out later. My dad said something he might get game for me, but idk if he will maybe not or maybe i should buy it, but i dont feel like it even though i feel id like it as a gift, i miss the outdoors also.

I still feel I will never be able to leave home and it just feels like constant crap. Well okay some good stuff too and maybe a lot, but i still just often feel shit ya know and I don't like it. When everything is bad it really does feel shit, and if my dad wasn't constantly complaining and planning, controlling the things I want I would feel a lot better. Sorry for spelling mistakes i dont feel like writing correctly atm just typed out what I wanted to say.


  • MikeMike Screen addict ๐ŸŽฎ LondonPosts: 2,911 Community Manager
    edited May 8
    For what it's worth @tkdog, I can relate to a lot of this pretty hard from when I was still living with my immediate family. That thing of someone wanting you to help but then complaining when you don't do it 'their way' is infuriating! And it can all be made worse when you're at an age where you wanna do our own things and live your own life and just be free of the place and the people you've spent your life around. Obviously not to say you don't love them, but a lot of people find their relationship with their parents improves once they get their own space and more of their own life.

    I would also say that we're all allowed to be off our game right now. Everyone's dealing with a lot of background stress and anxiety and it feels like that's maybe pushing people to the edge more than usual, and that might to apply to both you and your dad right now. At the start of your post you mentioned feeling guilty about taking a day off and not getting much done, but honestly there's no standard for productivity or how we should spend our time right now. The rule book's out the window because nobody's dealt with this before, especially when you find being at home difficult anyway.

    But yeah, cut yourself a bit of slack and give yourself some credit where it's due. :) How did it feel to type this out and get these things off your chest? And how are things at home now?

    I still feel I will never be able to leave home and it just feels like constant crap

    What's making you think you'll never be able to leave home?
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    Well i felt not guilty but more just sad that i couldn't rest more as thats what i wanted to do instead i got stressed over a printer and my dad being mean.
    I guess i got extra bank holiday.

    I was fine after for the past few days mostly cuz work... though friday was okay but then
    again my dad was mean to me again today two times already. One time i said just if we don't use bbq it would be a waste in reply to something he said and he took it offensively and said its my fault for being weak and weaker then most people even of the same sex.
    And then later accidentally the bbq table came down on my arm rightat the wrong place.
    It really hurt and i just said it hurt and he laughed at me and said it was a joke.
    I didn't say anything it being serious but it was really painful and my muscle hurts. Though what he said hurt me way more. I had to stand where i was cuz it was hard to carry while in that position and i was trying so hard to help and all i got is being mocked so i just gave up and left. My arm is very thin so it isnt that resistant and that im sure it will get better quick but that is no reason to be mean cos it really hurt more than falling on the ground cuz ache and like i was still trying to help even with the pain.

    In terms of moving out. I live and work in london its so expensive to live there and get somewhere so it's hard to have incentive to move out. My dad is also siper clingy. My dad keeps saying no point unless im going abroad to live but with corona and stuff might have a lastin effect on travel its hard to think. Plus only just started work. And my parents are already very old so i just have the feeling that if i even tried to move id be dragged back in quickly but idk. My dad keeps making it like i cant do well on my own when I know that while at uni i could fully well take care of myself even though i had some pretty bad days i was depressed it didnt help cuz a lot of that was due to the people around me making me unhappy more than anything though loneliness didnt help. And i dont have much ppl to help me move out and that or find a suitable location its hard when so many places and not sure what i want and then my dad always tries to interfere with my affairs. He said something that i could buy a house even if i got the money but i would not live in it? I dont see the point there.

    Yeah I think everything is more stressful with the lockdown idk but it wasn't like this before no this much conflict. Not sure if its because im tryin to hard to stand up for myself but i dont want to be bullied into things. And yeah i kinda wanna be more free and do more stuff without judgement and its hard. At least find a way to more stuff even if its without moving out for now. But i still wanna work towards it like in the short term and not leave in too far in the future but idk.
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 213 Super Moderator
    Hey @tkdog can say I completely relate to the frustrations with parents, and for me it's mostly come from living with eachother 24/7. I usually live in Bristol and work full-time there but since lockdown I've come back to be with my family. Things had generally been good but since the latest announcement by BoJo to say that basically nothing has changed it's safe to say that tensions have got higher in this household.ย 

    Something I have found that's helped me is exercise. This allows me to get out of the house, and it also means I am by myself - the only proper alone time I get in lockdown. Are you exercising at the moment or would you like to experiment with other types of workouts? Can give lots of different advice as I have mates that are super into their different workouts and have shared loads of links :)ย 

    In terms of planning for the future, and a future where you're living independently, is there a friend or close person you would like to live with in the future? Could you maybe start a conversation with them and tease the idea...? Or alternatively, could you perhaps start to plan a few holistays for July/August time, e.g. camping with a few friends? That would give you something to look forward to, and would be a break from the living situation.ย 

    Completely understand if none of these suggestions help but I hope things are as well as they can be right now. Shit is really weird and I think we're all starting to lose touch on reality but at least we've got a place to talk about all the topsy turviness on the Mix <3
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    edited May 18
    I can't see myself ever camping with friends.
    It's stressful even thinking about it.
    The friends i do have i met from the internet (most of them are legit through a hobby though not a dating site or anything like that) and I always have to make up something to meet with them cuz i dont feel comfortable in sharing.
    If i did it would probably or id make something up maybe i could even tell some stuff but in the end thinking about that is just more stress on top of what i already have and I just want to leave really. My dad asks too many questions and since i hardly ever go out anyway he will ask more details.
    Last time I tried to visit someone I know first from internet (i met them b4 tho) and had to go a little distance at the last minute my dad asked for fb profile of the person i visiting.
    I already had this story in mind... so i gave an fb profile of someone else hoping i didnt get caught. That was a shock to me. Also i wanted to say even less cuz it was kinda semi sexual idkย 

    Not sure id even enjoy camping but its sure hard to enjoy and go and plan anywhere like things are right now.ย 
    As with living with friends the same thing really the only ppl im remotely comfortable with are ppl i met online originally and idk i dun feel comfortable sharing stuff right? I dont wanna reveal stuff and i dont feel like i have to either. Not sure it would work anyway but also i have less chances to get to know and hang out ppl and go to random parties to begin with cuz i feel so uncomfortable in having to lie.i know maybe one person from uni still im in contact with regularly but most other people not really or at least we dont meet and idk i can try hang out with them but not sure about it so much. In that case i dont mind telling a bit about it..
    I can still talk about plans for the future with friends but i wouldnt feel comfortable moving forward. Tbh i jus want a friend or someone to come and help me out of this situation now cuz i dont know i dont like it. When i can start learning to drive again taht might help. I also want to deal with a medical issue however so far no doctors seem to help or want to listen and that puts me in a bad mood often and is quite disheartning whatever i say to them seems to get ignored. One time i went to a&e cos the problem got bad and the doctor told me i was watsing their time, and it was probably just mental since its not cancer its fine. Like i get they are busy but they could be nicer at least yikes. At the time i went to a&e i could hardly breathe and my gp told me that if things got worse please go to a&e and being treated like that makes me think id not want to go there ever again.

    I go out for walks but mainly just with family really.
    Sometimes its alright but really kinda eh sometimes and a few days really terrible like I said. I do get to do fun things and now u can travel more i guess thats good even though i never really get to choose where to go its just where my dad wants to go.
    I can mostly cope but often its no fun and i miss my freedom out in the city. Also my dad is being quite controlling of food because its hard to get the right stuff. And sometimes we get food boxes and im forced to eat what i dont want too much of just because no one else eats it whereas im not really allowed much or as much of the things i do want or i get told off? Or sometimes i get told offfor not eating something when im not aware its there like i dont understand. In the end its just food and its really frustrating things get blamed on me, when the responsibility isnt on me or not really much.
    But thanks for the advice just venting a bit because frustrate

    I want someway of explaining that i dont feel good and want to move out not sure how and tbh i still feel to early cuz i want security in new job and learning to drive and hospital who have been blegh etc..

    I still want independence tho and i still want to draw like uh the line sometimes on what i have to tell. I should be allowed to do more stuff on my own but idk or should i just accept being stuck at home. Should i argue and say stuff not sure kinda scared.
    i did talk about moving but been told there is no point to it unless moving country.
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 213 Super Moderator
    Hey @tkdog

    How have the past few days been??ย 

    There was a lot to digest in your last message. I'm glad you felt able to say all of that though because it does sound like there is a compounding of issues. When you read my response, I don't intend for this to sound like a lot of questions but I just want to make sure I respond to the main points of what you say, and I want to do it in quite a succinct way.ย 

    The hospital/a&e/gp situation sounds difficult. I have several friends who are junior doctors and they have all been saying it's really important for people still to speak to the doctor if they feel they have an issue. It sounds like you have an issue and I don't need to know what it is. But would you feel able to book a virtual appointment with your GP now? You can usually book them online in a few minutes :)ย 

    For the learning how to drive, how far along the process are you? If you haven't passed your theory yet then that's something that you could be working towards for when restrictions are loosened further..?ย 

    You mentioned that about the security of a new job, have you got something lined up already? Congrats if you have! If you haven't, have you started looking at different applications?ย 

    When I moved to Bristol I didn't know anybody, and I found my flat through Spare room.com (a really good platform for finding flatmates). Even if it isn't with any serious intentions, maybe just looking on spare room at what's available right now might help you gauge whether you want to be considering moving? There are listings posted literally just for weeks or months at a time, in whichever UK location you want, it's a super useful platform.

    Absolutely no stress if all of my suggestions are useless, but I'd rather offer them out into the Mix community than not :) hope you find them helpful in some form or another, and plz continue to use the Mix as a place where you can feel safe to talk about anything you want ๐Ÿ™
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    I mean it's been alright ish I guess.
    It's still stressful and I have had conflict again and a bit of arguing. Sometimes i think arguing would be the best way to get myself out the house idk though corona makes it the wrong time to do that while making the chances of conflict higher.ย 
    The hospital did decided to phone me up.
    But I still felt the person was a little dissmissive on the other side cuz kinda felt like they were already seeing me as having little issue. I don't like how when they don't clearly they attribute it to mental or sometimes just sometimes that needs a little physio when i think there is a genuine problem but well, i still need an actual checkup. The person on the phone said they have no idea when i will get the actual appointment. Its kinda annoying cuz its a such a long wait already like 6months and then i wait again and likely from what i have faced before they could easily just dismiss me again or just see that all i need is physio or something (as much as i like physio and its better then nothing maybe).
    If anything the stress off it gives me more mental issues :c i have genuine issues and just because i sound fine that doesn't mean i am when i struggle everyday, even while learning ways to cope better. I feel like its such a skill just trying to learn to talk to a doctor it kinda feels like they live in another world or something. Its not like my descriptive skills are that good either, and im not good at sounding like something is bad when it is. When my dad talks he makes it sound so and idk why they listen to him when they just ignore me.ย 

    A friend was being mean to me and got angry because i asked her what netflix show she was watching and she said i dont need to tell you. Which was kinda harsh. I ignored her fo a few days and i thought that would make things worse but it seems things are better. I was getting ready to cut them off tbh but i will see how things go.

    Im still no where near passing anything. Most of the lessons ive had were not close to each other and im going to have to start all over again cuz my dad said i should switch from learning manual to automatic. I feel like he is not giving me the chance and keeps saying i suck and said taht even before i started driving. And he wouldnt trust me to practice iย  his car so i cant do anything atm

    Im not sure about looking at moving now cuz its a bit depressing and idk i have no ideas atm where or when especially with corona. Before i did look at a few magazines and online things but not sure. I dont know if i like the idea of living in a small flat or in the city tbh I find it hard to be in small spaces without much nature and too high up unless its near the sea or a hill or something or very open. Maybe in the long term id like to get a dog and have a backyard but not sure about that atm. It is quite sad with the family dog he is old and he hardly moves anymore and takes a lot of drugs. A person who i thought was a friend kept saying put him down which is mean (he said many many other horrible things like im priviledged and dont have many hobbies which i know at least the second to be false especially since a counsellor i had way back told me i had so many interests) but maybe since he put his own dog down. It isn't my choice to anyway as my mum wants to keep him going and he is still happy enough to live.
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    A little upset I sent an email to someone on my progress and stuff and they a little on something that was supposed to be potentially helpful even though it could be harmful and well i got ignored cuz of that. I mean i was very doubtful if i should send it in the first place but idk i felt like there was something important there and i didnt want to miss out sending it in case it was helpful and to just get ignored and treated like im dumb just feels shit. Maybe i shouldnt have given something like that any significance to begin with but idk i rathee be told it wasn't useful or harmful rather than just be outright ignored kinda upsets me. I guess i knew inside it could be taken wrongly but i put so much effort into thinking things through. So i feel sad about that almost devastated idkย 
    Or maybe it serves me right for not really making the progress i need to make but i think the two arw unrelated.

    Also my friend has been weird to me again and ignoring me idk why i dun just cut off i guess its cos from time to time i feel like sending stuff to them but it just feels shit sometimes. I often feel bettee just deleting the messaging app off for a while but its effort and i have to get it back eventually. How do i get someone to stop giving me the cold treatment cuz this sucks..

  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 213 Super Moderator
    Hey @tkdog
    It's been quite a while since you last commented on this thread. Sounded like you were going through a bit of a heavy time of it. How have things been going in the last week?
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 582 Incredible Poster
    Just wanted to check up on how you are doing too @tkdog? If you would like to talk again, or whenever you are feeling ready, we are here for you :heart:
  • ShaunieShaunie Iโ€™m alive but Iโ€™m dead England ๐Ÿ Posts: 11,260 An Original Mixlorian

    i hear ย you and read all your messages here. Did it help with feeling angry to write it here? My sister is constantly literally shouting at me for not doing enough house stuff. Tbf i am Pretty lazy. So i cant imagine how annoying it would be to do alot round the house but still getting moaned at! ย I once threw the remote at my sister when she Told me i didn't do the cleaning properly. Got a dent in the wall for a lovely reminder๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ ย Kinda learnt to think before i act and by that time i think i dont feel the impulse as heavy a few seconds actually makes a difference. We all still deserve out indepence though and can feel suffocating if dont have it.ย 

    How are you doing now? Is your friend still not replying to you?ย 
    ๐˜๐จ๐ฎ ๐ก๐š๐ฏ๐ž ๐ญ๐จ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐จ๐ฉ ๐๐จ๐ข๐ง๐  ๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฌ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ฆ๐š๐ค๐ž ๐จ๐ญ๐ก๐ž๐ซ ๐ฉ๐ž๐จ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ž ๐ฅ๐ข๐ค๐ž ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ, ๐š๐ฌ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ ๐จ ๐ญ๐ก๐ซ๐จ๐ฎ๐ ๐ก ๐ฅ๐ข๐Ÿ๐ž ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ž๐ง๐œ๐จ๐ฎ๐ง๐ญ๐ž๐ซ ๐ฉ๐ž๐จ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ž ๐ฐ๐ก๐จ ๐๐จ๐งโ€™๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ข๐ค๐ž ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ. ๐๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐š๐ซ๐ž ๐ฌ๐ญ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ฅ๐ข๐ค๐ž๐š๐›๐ฅ๐ž ๐ญ๐จ ๐ญ๐ก๐ž ๐ฉ๐ž๐จ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ž ๐ฐ๐ก๐จ ๐š๐ซ๐ž ๐ซ๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ ๐Ÿ๐จ๐ซ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ. ๐’๐จ ๐›๐ž ๐ฎ๐ง๐š๐ฉ๐จ๐ฅ๐จ๐ ๐ž๐ญ๐ข๐œ๐š๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ฌ๐ž๐ฅ๐Ÿ ๐š๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ž ๐ซ๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ ๐ฉ๐ž๐จ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ž ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐ข๐œ๐ค ๐š๐ซ๐จ๐ฎ๐ง๐. ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    My friend is still not replying to me nope its getting close to a month. (She did start talking a bit but now completely gone) She is moving house today though I know.
    Maybe she chose her best friend over me, and cos she needed to say good bye to her and other things. I doubt that is so.
    It seems like more than that and she is shut off maybe I was stress or something but i tried not to bother her ya know and the thing is if i went away she would also be upset so it was never certain what to do.ย 
    But I have been asking for a while (before she ignored me) if things are okay and all. Not saying anything and going really urks me its kinda worse than an argument or something because it makes uncertainty. Maybe she doesnt like me anymore but then the thing is why keep snapstreaks with me then. Kinda just don't vibe with it all. I feel if someone really cared they would at least try to say something but everyone is different I guess then again.ย 

    Just got hit in the head by my mum accidentally and cuz i had concussion before it now really hurts a lot and i have an ice pack on my head.
    I dunno my dad was a little mean to mean about the light which went out which is bad cuz its not my fault a light goes out and I told him clearly it just went out.
    But not so bad as some times.
    Maybe now over two weeks ago it was bad when my dad kept shouting and getting very rude to teh point of me crying. And I felt very bad and all. I didn't talk about it before because I didnt think it would make me feel better and i was already upset cuz i was being ignored.ย 

    Went to the shops today but it was very miserable because going in shops u have to be wary and all the things and precautions and all. And my dad made me wear a mask and such which is hard to breathe although at least it was loose cuz it was not my one. I didnt bring mine and my dad was angry yet he never told me to bring it he just assumed. I already had enough problems treating my foot and bandaging it because it twisted my ankle and now it hurts like lower down the foot. Going shopping wasnt very fun but i doubt we will go again for a while.ย 

    Also my dad said i am lucky to live at home compared to someone who is not when honestly i rather be living elsewhere if it not for money reasons and practical.ย  Like i dont even see those two as comparisons.ย 
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    edited July 5
    Also to add honestly im pretty lazy too in a way but i get told off for doing stuff wrong and my dad just always says im too weak for anything no point and just puts me down. My dad often treats me as a baby and incapable or wants to keep me sheltered. And sort of wants to control everything. My mum is sort of the opposite but she acts like she doesnt care about me very much. She doesnt enjoy helping me or doing much with me.
    And the pressure to do well.there is no chill in dis house and it feels stressy. Id do stuff for myself or for friends maybe but here i dont see any reason to.

    My friend hasnt looked at some of the images i sent her on snap either.i didnt sent a lot only a few over a while and they are unlooked at, usually they dissapear if u click on the chat itself. She looks at my actual snaps or at least opens them. I just send them mainly to keep streaks but ive sent the odd stuff. Might be better for me to just keep away but its hard especially considering im still using snap. Idk what things will be in another month but im gonna try and forget about it since it isnt my worries. It kinda hurts though a lot cuz ive really tried to be nice as possible and it almost feels like a revenge or attack on me for being nice.

  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    I told my friend how I felt cuz i never said in fullness b4 and surprise she didnt reply also she broke snap streaks. Maybe I should of said it in a slightly nice tone but i couldnt keep it to myself anymore and i just didnt get the feeling she would be back anyway even in another months time.

    I don't know what is gotten so bad that she can't say one word to me and left like in such a way that made me feel so sad but i guess there is a reason.
    And she is sending things of her best fren going out and stuff and I get its cuz she needed to say goodbye but she does have some energy to do that and send snaps stories of her room and things like that.
    But ye I get the impression she is now closed off from me completely. She did just move house so like I said big step and she completed that. But that didn't change nothin really.
    Maybe there was somethin i said or did at the wrong time wrong place but honestly tried so hard and to give her space and all and she just pushed me away, there was nothing I could do especially when she was only hurting me.
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    My dad is so angry even though I did what he said and put books away apparently they have to be dusted.
    I can hardly breathe because of the dust and it makes me choke, I can't breathe very well generally since my throat is narrowed and yeah feels not good.
    I feel very tired and drained.
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 582 Incredible Poster
    Hi @tkdog

    I've just caught up on your messages and wanted to send big hugs. :heart:

    That sounds like a difficult situation with your friend, I am truly sorry you are experiencing that. It can feel so confusing and upsetting when a friend changes so suddenly, and you really do deserve to know what their thoughts are - it's unfair to do this to you. It sounds like you have done everything you can, so please try your best to focus on that - you have tried, you have cared, this is not your fault :heart:ย 

    And it sounds like that was a difficult day for you on the 23rd. Has your dad calmed down since then, and are you feeling any better? :heart:
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    edited July 29
    Yeah things calmed down a little bit with my dad though he stressed me out a bit the other day and made me cry a bit.ย 

    Yeah I think the changes in her life (my friend) pushed her away but leaving like that without a word or something was hurtful to me. I always have been there to be supportive and it felt like a big middle finger to me, if I use that phrase. Not that i'm owed anything or that just I would have liked a bit of respect or communication. The whole thing was really strange.

    While I made a few little mistakes that may have made things worse overall, it doesn't really seem like my fault .
    And sad because I have asked her before if things were okay and been ignored.
    Things didn't even seem so bad the past few days before that and I was giving her space and everything.
    I don't really think that if she came back though I would want to talk much again. I'm starting to move on anyway it's just sad someone I shared so much with has dissapeared so suddenly without a word.ย 
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    edited September 19
    Been feeling pretty bad again today and kinda a lot of yesterday too.

    I was rethinking a failed friendship one (maybe i shouldnt focus on that but it just comes too much to heart) and I think that person does want to contact me just too much negative emotions.ย 

    I not sure really worth me doing anything anymore.
    I do feel a little guilty but you know i was also going through bad stuff my dad was making me feel really bad and corona. And also that person was acting up cos they were moving housee.
    But the way they went made me feel was terrible it felt like they pushed their small problems on me asking for help with everything while i hardly ever got any support beyond well just them being there for me and.. well they were sure there less or less eemotionally present over text the least.

    When things seemed bad.iย put effort into giving this person space and they seemed better. I only let them speak when they contacted me first.
    Then they suddenly dissapeared after i asked them how they were which replied to. After that the last message they ignored and gone. I did put a bit of negativity i was just saying i had a bit of bad day but actually i was checking up on them seeing how they were.
    How would i know they weere feeling that bad though if all they ever said was "im fine". And its been months but then i started getting anonymous messages which i think are from this person... due to patterns in the messages pretty sure really. Not sure if i should block them or something its really strange and it bothers me.ย 

    I cant go out and distract myself with stuff because of corona really everything seems the same. No matter what activities i do im still stuck at home. And i have to push myself to find motivation for things like art and even gaming. I have tried to distract with reading ebooks too. I tried talking to people online in safe (ish) contexts in group chats ofc not weirdos and i made a few friends. But i still ultimately feel lonely and empty.

    Another person ghosted me too it almost reminds me of the other person my good friend but not really so bad at all to me.
    Originally they started talking to me to help me and it kinda did in the moment.
    But tbh maybe it is a relief that this person is gone it just seemed kinda like the had too much burden and I felt like I was mostly replying out of obligation. That person then came to me and said they are depressed.
    I said they can discuss how they feel. But well i also added a bit about me feeling bad maybe it was that (or the fact they didnt wanna discuss) I only did that so i showed that they r free to talk not to burdent hem but i guess when u that depressed thats how they feel.
    I know they ignored me because they are still posting elsewhere on this forum thingy just not reply to me. They said on the forum they felt better after going in nature then worse again.
    Tbh i dun wanna follow up its too much a burden just feels blegh.

    Yeah there are other people who dissapear after a while because they get bored but im not so bothered about that.

    My dad has been really nasty to me lately
    Blaming things on me that aren't my fault getting bad temper when i question anything at all and saying its all ur fault. I think it is childish behavior. But it makes me feel terrible and really brings me down and yeah im trying to learn deal with it better but when ur constantly at home. He never used to be like this to me and also before ofc i went out a lot. Its like he expects more. He also treats my mum badly.

    I told my friend a bit about what was happening was like oh interesting but sad. Like that kinda made more bad. Maybe im just overthinking the "interesting" bit.
    Maybe I shoulda have said so much but I thought this person was a good listener and was there for me.
    I guess now tho it just feels like they aren't there for me. I dunmo i guess i cant always expect them to say the right things. I try not to burden him much tbh but i only talked about it then and i havent really done much recently.

    Or another friend was just like wot. Meh they aren't exactly the best at that kinda thing tho.ย 

    And another friend of mine(or maybeex friend but i think they will come back) acts kinda like he has no time for me. It strange how he is going out so much more in corona times then he ever did before. Almost addicted to going out. He doesn't seem to care about me anymore especially since i dont want to hang out (i cant? The trains are packed up and im staying not close by atm). It feels like he only values friends who meet up constantly. Yet he used to be so different.i see him talking to other people in other groups just not our group. Another friend of mine said also its as he is in relationship too and maybe a little too addictedย 

    I cant distract myself with work either since its constant training which is draining and not productive. I did have some good news which is i will be going into doing something new. Unfortunately that will also require training but at least something else.i miss going outside to work thoughand all the exploring/walkingย  i did during lunch break.ย 
    I mean i do have other distractions but yea so far i feel so out of balance especially it seems like corona working at home is gonna continue for a long time. It seems like i wont have very much in person interactions anymore no more meeting up with friends or seeing work people. Its quite ungrounding really and feels unhealthy.
    I did go on a sort of family walk today but my dad ruined it later by being kinda mean and blaming the fact he hit his head on the car on me. Which is not my fault he said because i questioned the fact that there were too many items in the bag i was gonna carry. Like i liteeally just said do we need everything in it. Nothing mean just said in a neutral tone thats it. Pretty mean i think.

    I did get an ice cream later though which was nice.. but i then felt bad later back at home where i kinda feel empty.
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 170 Helping Hand
    My dad said something about me having an easy life no stress.
    I said he is constantly stressing me out and he denied it. He just said something about me being disrepectful and ignored what i said treated it as a joke.ย 
    It is also stress just to be at home and not to get to do anything or make your own decisions or meet anyone at all yet he doesn't really get that. It is stressful with all my relationships and the things i feel i need to hide, feeling like im not valued etc
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