Unhappy
Today not be so great really, in terms of it being super stressful.
I think I regret kinda taking off day almost. I did it cuz work has been stressful not cos im doing anything it is cos i aint and ive spent so much time just trying to install some stupid software. Sure it was exciting to see it finally working but it doesnt feel like i achieved anything much on top of that there were times i just sat there cuz put so much energy into getting something that should only take a few hours take maybe several weeks.
Bascially my dad has been shouting at me tons. I dunno why he says I didn't help because i opened the door when the delivery came. I didnt take the bags cus if i did he would complain cos he wants to leave them there a while before takin in but then he said i didnt help with that. Which is nonsense cus i was right there in the next room waiting and he could have asked and i would immediately help. Same with the cheese and the printer. I did try to shout downstairs about printer, but he didnt reply. He often tells me I get in the way anyway. He only went and complained to me later I didn't help. Then he makes me do stuff. And then he again complains because I'm waiting for instruction instead of taking intative. Yet usually if I try doing something and i dont do it how he likes he complains. But I did do stuff after that. Earlier in the day I even waited downstairs until he asked for help with a table, which i didnt help with only because he said he didnt need that help anymore.
Then later I was helping with computer issues for an hour even though I'd rather rest and I don't feel appreciated. By that time I'm getting very tired. I do play games inbetween but thats cos i wanna relax a bit, and after I do because I got super stressed and thats what would calm me down.
Then I go down to dinner reluctantly because I feel already unwell. I lay table out even though dun feel well but yeah its an easy task. Then afterwards i have to put stuff away. Which I help with while my mum and dad still sitting down. And I put some stuff away and throw some stuff away. But just cos apparently I left some sauce in the kitchen without putting it directly into cupboard my dad complains. Well I was doing things one at a time. And these were two types of sauce belonging to different places, they were together on the table so i just grabbed them quickly. But he said it wasn't orderly and just creating another job. Apparently I should have grabbed the cheese and the cold sauce together. But firstly im dizzing and not well, secondly I don't think it really matters does it? If the job is done. There is more than one way to do things and honestly not much slower. He said not much point i did anything in the first place, in which case I rather not help then.
I feel so low energy now and im stuck in my bed, don't feel good at all. I can't do the stuff I wanna do often and it's not just cuz lockdown yeah but everything feels much more intense.
So many times today literally just wanted to rip stuff apart. It's a fairly recent thing thats just gotten worse, only cuz all the stress. Yesterday my dad also complained a bit and stuff. And even though ive been helping with home deliveries and everything. A few times I tried to bend my phone and its worrying cuz my phone gave a warning message once the camera had temporarily stopped working, but seems fine now no damage.
A few years ago anger was an emotion i hardly ever experienced (Other than a little to some abusive housemates and the occasional fight)
A friend of mine might have added to the stress and maybe given me a little of anger that made things bad, though don't think been so bad really, and idk she was one of the reasons I kept going anyway.
Life feels like a prison and I don't like it. I don't always feel like I can meet my friends.
It's hard cuz most my frens I met on internet and so trust issues so i have to make stuff up and it's super tiring. Tbh im not an angry person, but I have recently tried to defend myself more so that might be why, but i dont wanna pretend im dumb or something or get treated like shit. And yeah jus stressed.
I often don't even feel safe to buy the stuff I like. money is money but i dont feel like I can use it, usually what i buy is stil guided by my parents way too much. Though i dont pay the bills so yeah, my dad did say i might have to or just pay for shopping and i paid one bill (dun mind so much) kinda reluctant tho still cuz i dun get to buy stuff i want and i rather move out but okay i might, if i should or need to but i still feel unhappy. I mean i was already planning to buy some amazon stuff yeah. But i havent even recieved birthday or christimas presents in ages (like literally barely anything at all at christmas or birthday not even much joke or smol gifts) so i dont really feel so happy about it. My birthday in lockdown i kept totally quiet about only reminded about it later on when my company set a gift (also just to help ppl in lockdown) quite late on but some ppl found out later. My dad said something he might get game for me, but idk if he will maybe not or maybe i should buy it, but i dont feel like it even though i feel id like it as a gift, i miss the outdoors also.
I still feel I will never be able to leave home and it just feels like constant crap. Well okay some good stuff too and maybe a lot, but i still just often feel shit ya know and I don't like it. When everything is bad it really does feel shit, and if my dad wasn't constantly complaining and planning, controlling the things I want I would feel a lot better. Sorry for spelling mistakes i dont feel like writing correctly atm just typed out what I wanted to say.
