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sudden intimacy anxiety...after four years!


I am just looking for some advice and comfort please, because there is something on my mind that I am really unsure how to change. I have been with my boyfriend for four years now (since I was 17) and we have a relly great relationship and always have. in the second year of uni we decided to move into together with some friends, we still had our own bedrooms which meant we had space, but we mostly used our our rooms to work in and then spent the night together in the same room. after a while, my sex drive started to plummet. i thought it could be numerous things, stress from uni, birth control, anything so I decided not to put pressure on myself and just see how it goes. unfortunately nothing changed, over the summer when I had no uni stress I felt the same, I came off birth control for a while and felt the same. I told him how I felt and he is really understanding, but it got to so long that I started to feel guilty for him (on my own accord, he never pressures me) so I started kinda putting it on a bit. pretending I was feeling it, just to feel a bit more 'normal'. but from then it started to feel like a chore, so I would be thinking how many times per week is 'normal' for us before this started and trying to match that. also I would only ever want to please him, if it was towards me I felt super uncomfortable and wanted to stop. then I started to go through a phase where I felt fine in the moment, but then afterwards I would have a panic attack. one time I had a panic attack during so he said we should probably just stop until I feel comfortable again - but months have passed and nothing's changed. I am now finding myself worried that, as much as I am so excited to meeet up after lock down has passed, I am worried because the pressure that I put on myself for sex is going to come back into my life. 

I really don't know what to do or how I can feel back to normal again. any advice would be really really really appreciated....thank you.x 

p.s sorry this is so long, just waned to get it off my mind.x 


  • MikeMike 🎮 LondonPosts: 3,825 Community Manager
    Welcome to the community @sugarbutterflourx, and well done for posting. :)

    Sex drive can be a really complicated thing. It's really cool that you're able to identify what other things it could be (e.g. stress) and work through things in quite a logical way. It sounds like you've been quite thorough in your own exploration of why your sex drive has decreased.

    Do you mind if I ask: does this apply to your sex drive as a whole or just with your boyfriend?

    One thing I would say, regardless, is that it's okay for this to happen. Even if there's no tangible reason, ultimately this isn't really within your control and it's not your fault. I get the impression your boyfriend is quite understanding and patient, and it's really positive you communicated this all with him. Sometimes that's a majorly difficult thing to do, but being open about this stuff is so key. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Want to join the community champions? Drop @TheMix a message!
  • sugarbutterflourxsugarbutterflourx Posts: 3 Newbie
    hello, thank you, and thank you for replying it means a lot :)

    thank you for the reassurance. i really hope it can resolve itself soon ! i think i would say it applies to my sex drive as a whole, it's never been super high to be fair but in general it's lower than it used to be. x
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