Self harm as a result of emotional abuse

Former Member

Hi 

I’m 22 and I have Cerebral Palsy and Epilepsy, as a result I’m a electric wheelchair user and I require assistance from others to meet my day to day needs. I recently had a personal assistant that did everything correctly when my parents were around, however when they went away she left me after telling me I was being demanding and hard work. When she was out I had a seizure and fell, this has scared me because this happened to my friend and unfortunately he lost his life as a result. After she left, she got a job at my college and befriended the assistant that looked after me, who was also my counsellor. As a result I felt I couldn’t tell her, so I had to still come into contact with her. Once we were doing music and she put “I don’t care on” and I felt like she didn’t care what she did to me, so I started self harming because I felt like I was that used of getting of getting hurt because it was not the first time this has happened, so I might as well cause the pain myself because at least I know when to expect it. I’m now struggling to trust my new personal assistant. 

Edited by moderator to remove method of self harm. 

Former Member

Hey there @Past User and welcome to the community! 

When others have the responsibility to care of us, we expect that to be given in an appropriate and supportive way, that will meet our needs. You mentioned that once your parents weren't around the assistant didn't treat you in the best way, by saying you was demanding, which is understandably an upsetting experience that you shouldn't have to go through. I hear that this lead her to leave also. 

Sorry to hear about your friend, that's tough for anyone to go through and after what happened to you with the seizure its completely understandable that you may have felt scared about it. 

It's unfortunate that she gained a job at your college and became friends with your assistant and its understandable that it could have put pressure on you to not say anything. The incident where she put the song on, and it made you feel like she didn't care is understandably upsetting to you and is valid. You mentioned that this lead you to self harm, due to the feelings you mentioned. Is this something you are still currently struggling with? 

In terms of your new assistant, if you have gone through what you have with your previous one it may take some time to build up trust, have you been able to talk to them about these feelings and what has happened? 

Former Member

Yes I am currently struggling with self harm, I was meant to have an appointment with the crisis team but because of lockdown it got cancelled. I’ve always said that I’ve had previous bad experiences with some personal assistants, but I’ve only just told my current personal assistant the whole story. My parents have just found out that I self harm as well. I’m still struggling with the fact that I didn’t tell my college assistance the whole story as she was the first counsellor I felt truly comfortable with. I feel like she’s gotten away with it and I’ll never be able to forget it and move on.

Edited by moderator to remove methods of self harm. 

Former Member

Hey again @Past User just to let you know, I've just edited your posts to remove methods of self harm just because it may have been potentially triggering to others. I hope that's okay!

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with self harm currently, and that you parents have also found out that you are doing it. How did they react to this? It must be difficult that your appointment with the crisis team has been cancelled, is there any other support you are receiving at the moment? 

It's a really positive step that you have taken in telling your new personal assistant the whole story of what happened, how did it feel to do that? It's understandable that you may be having feelings around what occurred and I can hear that you are struggling with the fact that you was unable to say what happened to your college assistant. You mentioned that you feel like shes gotten away with it, which I can imagine is a really unsettling feeling. It may take time for you to move on, but it is possible and taking the steps you are doing to reach out for support is really contributing to that so well done! 

Former Member

Sorry I wasn’t sure how to word it. My parents just said that they wished I told them before it got to this point, but I did and they just told me to move on because it’s over now. I am currently having counselling over Skype and although I like my counsellor, I’ve never actually met her in person and because I’m at home at not physically with her, I’m struggling to feel safe and secure. It felt good to tell my new personal assistant what happened because I think she realised the problem was me and not her.