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Confusion, dont understand.

Former MemberFormer Member NoobPosts: 235 Trailblazer
edited April 2020 in Health & Wellbeing
Hello,

Sorry i need to post this as i dont have a release and things are building up.

A support worker told me the week just gone that im overly paranoid. I havent had my meds in a week because i wont go outside or have anybody come to my flat. Ive had sleepless nights and lost weight. Ive spoke a lot to my support worker about things, thoughts and voices over the last week. How ive had so many first names and dont know who i am and feel like someone completely different. I know someone is coming for me but i dont know who or why, i cant explain i just know. Thursday she spoke to her manager and they both agreed its best to contact the mental health team but i didnt give permission as i dont trust the mental health team or doctors. Friday she said she was going to contact my gp and they will probably contact me but because i was basically silent during the phone call she said to text her after the phone call. I text her and told her i am not speaking to the gp. She said i needed my meds and basically all the texts were me trying to explain to her that my door is staying locked and that she doesnt understand.

Last night i was on my phone reading articles, but i was struggling to read.. i couldnt just read it i was reading it but as a poem/song and struggling to get it back to just reading.. then i had flashbacks to my primary school days, things i had forgotten.. i used to do it in primary, i struggled with learning to read as a child and used to lie and skip books hoping my teacher wouldnt know, i used to have 1-1 reading with a teaching assistant which i remember when i was in year 3 or 4 because of where the classroom was. In my 1-1 reading i never used to just read the words i used to sing the sentences and remember them always saying read properly but i couldnt. I also had flashbacks of me in primary and remember that the age of 15 is not when i first started self harming.. i was a child in primary and remember how i hurt myself in different ways earliest time i can remember was when i was in year 2, i remember i was upset and self-harmed. I remember i always used to make this weird noise it was like a "hm" every few seconds for no reason and i remember the teachers saying who is making that noise. Happened multiple times.

Today i had a text off my mum while i was on the phone to someone saying "Is your phone off, your dog wasnt well last night".. i asked what was wrong with him and she said i will ring you after, that was hours ago.. the person i was on the phone to at the time ive text her and told her my mums just doing this because she wants to talk to me etc and now my friend is saying im paranoid and that my mum isnt trying to trick me..

Im getting angry very quickly and at the point where i dint want to speak to people. People anger me.

I am so confused my mind is spinning, everyone telling me im being paranoid when i know im fucking not.

Sorry rant over. 
Post edited by TheMix on

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Had a phone call and im being told to calm down, i was normal. I dont understand. Why are people ganging up on me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    im sorry you're going through this, sorry I don't have any advice for what you're going through, just wanted to let you know im thinking of you and sending massive hugs <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    My skin keeps itching, everywhere. Its doing my head in.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Cant sleep again, had to turn to alcohol, havent drunk in days. Afraid i have to disuse phone too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Ive noticed something about my phone
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Heyy Kai. Thats a lot to be thinking about! Have you spoken to your support worker since? Its good you felt able to say all of that to them. Sometimes our thoughts can be confusing to others as theyre not based on facts. Like you dont know who is coming for you but you know someone is- that could see a bit confusing for someone as theirs no evidence for it but that doesnt make how you see and feel any less. And theyre just tryinng to understand your view and help. They wouldnt be gagging up on you. They believe what youre saying and that it is real for you but they just cant see the facts for it. 

    I hope you maybe tooken your meds today, had something to eat and had some sleep! <3 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hi Shaunie,

    I was on chat but couldnt say anything. My phone is listening to me i see their icon pop up the only one for voice service i dont know what they want with my voice. I havent spoke to my support worker since as that was Friday she isnt in till tomorrow  she said she is ringing tomorrow but im not answering my phone to calls incase its someone i dont know or they have tricked me. I havent had my meds no not in over a week, i cant go outside and not having a stranger drop then off. Someone also added me on xbox voice chat to talk, like 2 days after some person trying to connect with me on facebook, thats not coincidence. Hope you are okay xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    I dont need meds, im seeing things a lot clearly. Clearly as i wouldnt of seen the danger signs before
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    its other people thinking i am paranoid when theu are just probably paranoid
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2020
    Hey Kai. 

    Hugs <3 that sounds horrible and lonely when feel no one believes you. 

    I don'tWant to tell you you're paraniod or anything as it sounds like you have heard that before and idk your situation as much as you. But BeforeThis - Have you once not took your meds and thought you was seeing clearly off your meds to then realise you was Not actually seeing clearly at all? 

    I'm not sure what they want with your voice either but hopeful nothing that will cause you harm. 
    Why would you not want people to come to your door? Do you think that the person you know who is coming to get you is out to cause you harm? Or do you still not know what they want? 

    Stay safe! <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 343 The Mix Regular
    Hey there Kai, just wanted to check in on how you are doing now?

    Have you been in contact with your support worker recently? If so, how did that chat go?
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