Home Health and Wellbeing
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I need a rant about home stuff 😢

_AJ__AJ_ Posts: 83 Budding Regular
Hey, 
I apologise in advance because this really is just a big rant. 
The whole Covid situation has left me stuck at home when I should be returning to uni this coming weekend. Getting accommodation is a nightmare and even if I did, my parents wouldn’t take me because of lockdown. 
I experience a lot of emotional abuse at home and it’s really tricky to manage. She shouts at home, has been weight shaming me and also can get quite aggressive. Especially recently... I speak to our chaplain a lot and she’s really helpful but I am scared I am scaring her. Last week I told her my mum hurt me and I just panicked that I’d been too honest. I feel so unhappy at home and trapped. I can’t get over all the things she’s said to me. 

So, I turn inwards and the progress on self harm Ive made has been wrecked. I havent even gone a day without cutting for a few weeks Its not her fault, but, what has she driven me to. Feeling so worthless that is my only option? Feeling so desperate and helpless and barely getting a few lucid points in the day where I am not plagued by voices or urges or fear. I prefer not being lucid right now. Its easier than feeling things. Thats how bad it is. 

I’ve let her down. I love her anyway. its pathetic almost. Im like a puppy that cant get the message- it gets hurt over and over and over, yet still crawls back hopeful. Still gives love. Because my love is *unconditional*. Thats how family should be, right? Love shouldnt rely on a weight or an image or an action. Ive not *done* anything. Im vulnerable, so I let her hurt me again? 

I’m struggling and trapped and scared. Please? Hug? Anything? Because now I’m just plagued by voices and everything and it’s bad bad bad and I’m crying and I can’t face dinner and I can’t be honest with the chaplain tomorrow because what if I am just too much? 

Sorry- thanks for reading though 💜

Aj xxx

Past UserHowDoYouTalkAboutItAriannatkdog

Comments

  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 909 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @_AJ_

    I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through at home and that you can’t get back to uni. What has your chaplain said about the situation - has it helped to get it off your chest at all? Is she helping and do you feel like you could talk to her more about what you’re going through?

    Progress isn’t linear, you can and are still making progress while relapsing, you’re doing a good thing reaching out for support here and we care and want to help you 💜 do you have any distraction techniques or anything that has helped in the past with the urges of self harm? 

    Sending you massive hugs, please keep us updated with how you’re getting on. You’re not alone 💜💜

    Take care
    Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • _AJ__AJ_ Posts: 83 Budding Regular
    Hey @Lucy307
    Thanks for your reply :)
    The chaplain has been very helpful in terms of getting things off my chest. Unfortunately no one really knows what to do; lots of people are suggesting I just move out and live elsewhere, but that’s not really an option because of finances. I’m due to talk to her today and hoping to say more about what’s going on, but it’s really tough because I don’t want to worry her. 
    I try lots of things with self harm but have found nothing that works reliably. Often it’s just that I am too tired, which is a terrible reason but works. 
    Thanks for the hugs 💜 they are much needed. I had a tough night and hurt myself twice yesterday. I’m just feeling a bit scared of everything and desperate to get out of home. 
    Aj xx
    CJ55
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 263 Super Moderator
    Heyyy @_AJ_

    We are in such uncertain times and I think we all wish things were very different to how they are. 
    I'm sorry to hear that the progress you had made with self harm has disappeared but its encouraging to hear that you were making progress :) 

    What do you study at university, and have your uni been in contact to say about virtual lectures or virtual seminars? If your studies continue then that will hopefully provide more structure and order to your days.

    Have you been mapping out daily schedules atm? Even just applying a small framework of control to the day can help our minds be at ease with the wider uncertainty <3 

    People on here care about you so keep posting and keep trusting 🙏
  • _AJ__AJ_ Posts: 83 Budding Regular
    JamJar said:
    Heyyy @_AJ_

    We are in such uncertain times and I think we all wish things were very different to how they are. 
    I'm sorry to hear that the progress you had made with self harm has disappeared but its encouraging to hear that you were making progress :) 

    What do you study at university, and have your uni been in contact to say about virtual lectures or virtual seminars? If your studies continue then that will hopefully provide more structure and order to your days.

    Have you been mapping out daily schedules atm? Even just applying a small framework of control to the day can help our minds be at ease with the wider uncertainty <3 

    People on here care about you so keep posting and keep trusting 🙏
    Hey @JamJar
    It doesn’t really feel like any progress any more- I’ve been self harming for almost 6 years and it’s only got worse and the tiniest thing at home triggers me and I just feel ashamed. 
    I study Classics (nice and niche! Love latin and Greek though!) We’ve had no contact which is very stressful! I’m meant to have exams this time next week and no one has said what’s happening. The uni I go to has quite a specific style of teaching and the work is quite full on, so I’m expecting 3 1-1 lessons a week, along with lectures and larger classes! 
    The routine should be good. It’s certainly provided a focus revising for exams. I’m just really stressed I can’t go back, at least til after lockdown. I spoke to someone in welfare at uni this morning and they’ve said that the uni should be providing accommodation for estranged students or those in abusive situations, but currently they aren’t listening! 
    Aj x
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 263 Super Moderator
    Hey @_AJ_
    How's the last week been? :)
    So cool you study Classics! I studied Literature at uni so we read the main ones like Virgil, Homer, Ovid, Aristotle, Plato, Sophocles. I read Marcus Aurelius' Meditations recently which I really enjoyed. Have you read that? 
    The 1 on 1 tutorials should surely be able to continue virtually and that social interaction will be really stimulating. So sounds like it's the geographical place of uni, and the independence and liberty that brings. What do you mean when you said they're not listening? Would they be able to house you given your context? 
    Take care and stay safe ✌️
  • _AJ__AJ_ Posts: 83 Budding Regular
    JamJar said:
    Hey @_AJ_
    How's the last week been? :)
    So cool you study Classics! I studied Literature at uni so we read the main ones like Virgil, Homer, Ovid, Aristotle, Plato, Sophocles. I read Marcus Aurelius' Meditations recently which I really enjoyed. Have you read that? 
    The 1 on 1 tutorials should surely be able to continue virtually and that social interaction will be really stimulating. So sounds like it's the geographical place of uni, and the independence and liberty that brings. What do you mean when you said they're not listening? Would they be able to house you given your context? 
    Take care and stay safe ✌️
    Hey @JamJar
    Not been the easiest- home been especially tricky and I have been rather (mentally unwell) Starting to feel a bit more uneasy here tbh. 
    Ooh cool! Yes, I've read the Meditations- they are really good. You might like Seneca's On the Brevity of Life (I've just done a translation of that this afternoon) 
    Yep- tutes start from next week and we have had our initial tutor meetings too. 
    I'm at a collegiate uni so the college isn't listening to what the uni is saying! The uni are pledging to house (after lockdown is lifted slightly) estranged students and those in difficult home situations, but currently it is looking like that might have to be through the general uni rather than college. I've been told they are looking on a case by case basis and will provide housing if my situation warrants it and I can prove that I have the welfare support in place to manage. 
    AJ x
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