Dealing with emotional instability in a relationship

Former Member

Hi everyone, 

I am new here. This seems like a great platform to reach out to others for support; I was wondering if anybody had any suggestions for an issue I suffer a lot with in my life. Feeling particularly prevalent and difficult at the moment due to the lockdown and my lack of interaction with other people. 

I have been diagnosed with various mental health issues, depression, anxiety, bouts of insomnia and more recently with non-personality disorder "emotional instability" with recurrent depressive episodes. 

One side effect of my struggles is the confusion and intensity of my intimate relationships. I have had 2 prior long-term relationships which both ended very badly in big emotional messes, it didn't help that both of my prior partners struggled with their mental health too. Especially after my previous relationship I really, really struggled and felt very alone. It led me to a bad place that I am always scared of returning too. However, my current relationship (of just over 2 years) is different in that he is pretty chill.

However, what I struggle with is being able to exert myself when I am unhappy with something. I find it really confusing to know whether I am actually happy or not because whenever he gets annoyed at me I freak out and feel emotionally like I am dying with this sense of loneliness and fear of being alone. It usually leads to me just saying I am sorry and thus ignoring my reasons for starting any kind of discussion because of fear he will leave me. It is like a fear of simultaneously being in a relationship with him and also fear of being alone. 

The arguments upset me but what brings me down generally is being unable to understand what I actually want and need. Whether something is bothering me, whether it is actually me thinking I am unhappy due to my mental health, or whether he is being unfair to me. Does this resonate with anyone? 

I am on medications which help numb some of my emotions and help a bit. I have had CBT and several courses of counselling. They helped somewhat but I still suffer with the same things. 

Does anyone have any personal experiences of such and can give me any advice? It would be much appreciated! 

Thanks, 
BunnyMae  

Former Member

Hi @Past User and welcome, I hope we can help 💜💜

I’m sorry to hear you have been struggling recently and especially due to lockdown and lack of interaction with others. Can I ask if you live with your boyfriend? It sounds like you are having arguments and you are automatically apologising instead of talking about the issues - am I understanding that right? 

Definitely resonates to be a bit confused about your feelings, especially in such a weird time we’re living in. We’ve got a lot of uncertainty about which will make everything feel worse. My best advice would be to be brave and try and talk through issues instead of ignoring them, otherwise could build up to the point you burst.

Also, do you feel like you get enough time to think and to enjoy your own company? I live with my other half and think it’s difficult to really have time to myself at the moment but make a conscious effort to do this so that I can have my own thoughts and perspective. I don’t know whether getting some headspace by yourself might help, it certainly does for me.

take care and let us know how you’re getting on  
Lucy 

Former Member

Lucy307 said:

Hi @Past User and welcome, I hope we can help 💜💜

I’m sorry to hear you have been struggling recently and especially due to lockdown and lack of interaction with others. Can I ask if you live with your boyfriend? It sounds like you are having arguments and you are automatically apologising instead of talking about the issues - am I understanding that right? 

Definitely resonates to be a bit confused about your feelings, especially in such a weird time we’re living in. We’ve got a lot of uncertainty about which will make everything feel worse. My best advice would be to be brave and try and talk through issues instead of ignoring them, otherwise could build up to the point you burst.

Also, do you feel like you get enough time to think and to enjoy your own company? I live with my other half and think it’s difficult to really have time to myself at the moment but make a conscious effort to do this so that I can have my own thoughts and perspective. I don’t know whether getting some headspace by yourself might help, it certainly does for me.

take care and let us know how you’re getting on  
Lucy 

Hi Lucy,

Thanks so much for your reply, it is really nice to come back on here and see someone to the effort to respond, it really means a lot. 

Yes we live together and we are both working from home, so in each other's company 24/7. I am struggling a lot with it. I guess it is definitely an issue of needing more time to myself but it feels almost impossible at the moment. 

I have tried talking to him about it but he really shuts down. He seems to have a real problem with opening up and tackling problems in our relationship and this makes me struggle more. He seems to take everything I say as some kind of personal attack. This leads me into this very all or nothing head space where I can't tell if it is my fault or his, whether I should be in the relationship, or not. 

I think right now what I need is to get away from this and it is the one thing I can't do at the moment with the current situation.  

I am glad that you can resonate somewhat with feeling confused. It is a really confusing time and it is difficult to know what to do because a lot of coping mechanisms I have involve seeing people, doing things. I feel a bit lost right now. 

Best wishes,
Holly

Former Member

Hey @Past User 

Sending you hugs I honestly really think that relationships are incredibly hard at the moment, being with each other 24/7. I also live with my partner and I'm finding constantly being each others presence quite difficult so I definitely get where both you and Lucy are coming from. We both have very different hobbies and so we've made sure that a couple of evenings a week we sit in separate rooms for an hour or so and he plays on his xbox and I do some yoga/colouring/scrapbooking. I think it helps us both having some space. Maybe you could suggest something like this?

I'm wondering if you've tried writing your feelings and frustrations down - maybe before confronting your partner you could write down what you want to say. It might help you clarify how you're feeling and also if he isn't willing to have a conversation with you about it, you could give him your thoughts to read in his own time when he's calm?