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Friend attracted to me - and he makes it bloody obvious

independent_independent_ Resident Coffee AddictScotlandPosts: 7,230 Master Poster
I don’t normally do this but I’m a bit lost really on what to do about this.

Many people on here will know that I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years, and it’s great! I love him and I’d never cheat, ever.

I met this guy through Twitter a while  ago, and we had a great laugh, so we started messaging privately so we didn’t tag random people on twitter (anyone who uses twitter knows how annoying this is).

I’ve made it very very clear that I’m not single, and I don’t want to be more than friends. He’s a nice guy, he assures me that he could never destroy such a good relationship etc.

But...it’s obvious from what he says and the jokes that he makes that he is very attracted to me. We’re both very dirty minded people who joke about sex and stuff a lot, but not in a serious way. But he does it 10 times more than I do and it’s just very very obvious that he fancies me and I don’t fancy him - and I’m in a relationship.

It sounds stupid really but I just don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to tell him that I’m a bit uncomfortable with this, or whether I should even talk to my boyfriend about it? Thing is he’s a good friend and I’m struggling with the balance between the friendship and my moral beliefs lol.

Does that make sense...idk what to do.
“Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
finn

Comments

  • finnfinn Posts: 12 Confirmed not a robot
    Hi, I hope that you are okay.

    I think that this makes total sense. It sounds like you have set firm boundaries here and he’s pushing them to see how far he can get with you.

    You have made it clear that you are happy to have a laugh and a joke, even about sexual things but it is strictly friendship only. You are happy in your relationship and do not want anyone to come in between yourself and your partner. It also sounds like you enjoy having this friend, and that’s why you haven’t cut contact?

    What he is doing, he may just be getting carried away. Sometimes us lads just need to be reminded, and placed back where we belong.... in the friend zone. Especially if you are happy to joke about sexual things, he may view it as flirting even though that is not the case.

    If I were you, I think I’d just be really bold and make sure he understood the boundaries of the friendship again. Remind him that you are in a happy relationship, you don’t want to lose the friendship that you have with him but sometimes, he takes things a little bit too far and that makes you feel uncomfortable. If he likes you, he might really appreciate the honestly.

    If you don’t feel confident in being bold and open about it, maybe you could just start talking about your partner? “Oh, so and so did this for me today” or “I want to buy my partner a present to tell him how much I love him” ... something like that? Just to gently remind him that you aren’t interested?

    i hope things work out for you 🙂


    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,230 Master Poster
    finn said:
    Hi, I hope that you are okay.

    I think that this makes total sense. It sounds like you have set firm boundaries here and he’s pushing them to see how far he can get with you.

    You have made it clear that you are happy to have a laugh and a joke, even about sexual things but it is strictly friendship only. You are happy in your relationship and do not want anyone to come in between yourself and your partner. It also sounds like you enjoy having this friend, and that’s why you haven’t cut contact?

    What he is doing, he may just be getting carried away. Sometimes us lads just need to be reminded, and placed back where we belong.... in the friend zone. Especially if you are happy to joke about sexual things, he may view it as flirting even though that is not the case.

    If I were you, I think I’d just be really bold and make sure he understood the boundaries of the friendship again. Remind him that you are in a happy relationship, you don’t want to lose the friendship that you have with him but sometimes, he takes things a little bit too far and that makes you feel uncomfortable. If he likes you, he might really appreciate the honestly.

    If you don’t feel confident in being bold and open about it, maybe you could just start talking about your partner? “Oh, so and so did this for me today” or “I want to buy my partner a present to tell him how much I love him” ... something like that? Just to gently remind him that you aren’t interested?

    i hope things work out for you 🙂


    Hi @finn, thank you for your very quick and insightful response, it’s much appreciated.

    He does seem to like pushing boundaries, usually it does end with us laughing and joking but I do sometimes think ‘oh, that was actually really weird’. 

    I do think he gets carried away with what he says, I guess I maybe do just need to remind him. I think we’re just both very sexual people and joke about it a lot, personally that’s just how I am with most people because that’s my personality lol. Maybe that makes it more complicated because it can be seen in the wrong way not how I intend it to?

    I talk about my boyfriend a lot with him, I guess it makes me feel like I’m making him aware and constantly reminding him that I’m not actually available. 

    I guess the other thing I’m struggling with is whether to tell my boyfriend about how this friend acts? It just feels like if I don’t I’m not being honest but if I do it’ll make him think I’m attracted to the friend too, which I’m not.

    Again thank you so much :) I hope you’re well.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    finn
  • finnfinn Posts: 12 Confirmed not a robot
    Yeah, it did sound to me like he’s just pushing boundaries and although that isn’t great, I’d be lying if I say I haven’t been there myself. I, in a totally harmless way have attempted to turn joking into flirting in the past lol.

    I don’t think that there is anything wrong with being dirty minded and joking about sex but I do think that it’s important for those boundaries to be there and if he is taking it a step (or ten) too far you do absolutely have the right give him a nudge and remind him that you are friends only. Please don’t  feel guilty about doing that.

    When it comes to whether or not you tell your boyfriend, that is entirely your choice. If it was your boyfriend talking to a woman who was flirting with him, would you want to know about it?

    I’m going to repeat your own words here and say something to you that you said to me. “Communication in a relationship is so so important”, it’s true. It really is. If you are questioning whether or not you should let your partner know something, it’s probably something your partner should be hearing. There is nothing wrong with having friendships, you aren’t in the wrong here... your friend is. 


    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,230 Master Poster
    finn said:
    Yeah, it did sound to me like he’s just pushing boundaries and although that isn’t great, I’d be lying if I say I haven’t been there myself. I, in a totally harmless way have attempted to turn joking into flirting in the past lol.

    I don’t think that there is anything wrong with being dirty minded and joking about sex but I do think that it’s important for those boundaries to be there and if he is taking it a step (or ten) too far you do absolutely have the right give him a nudge and remind him that you are friends only. Please don’t  feel guilty about doing that.

    When it comes to whether or not you tell your boyfriend, that is entirely your choice. If it was your boyfriend talking to a woman who was flirting with him, would you want to know about it?

    I’m going to repeat your own words here and say something to you that you said to me. “Communication in a relationship is so so important”, it’s true. It really is. If you are questioning whether or not you should let your partner know something, it’s probably something your partner should be hearing. There is nothing wrong with having friendships, you aren’t in the wrong here... your friend is. 


    Yes that is true @finn I guess if I’m thinking whether he should know about something, he probably should know about it - I just don’t want him to worry that I’m reciprocating things when I’m not. I’ve been through a lot in my relationship but this is actually all totally new to me. Yes communication is important, but I don’t want to cause any hurt feelings anywhere.

    It’s just strange to me because I’ve never had a male friend do this to me before. Even when I was single!! Has meant I’ve just been completely stuck on what to do.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Han93Han93 EnglandPosts: 309 The Mix Regular
    Hey @independent_

    This is a tricky situation! I think Finn's advice is really great. 

    Have you tried to put yourself in your boyfriends shoes - how would you feel if he was messaging a girl and receiving the same messages that you have been off your friend?

    If you feel like you would be angry/upset, I think that means that it's inappropriate and you need to talk to your friend about how you feel and ask him to stop making the comments that he is.
    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,230 Master Poster
    Han93 said:
    Hey @independent_

    This is a tricky situation! I think Finn's advice is really great. 

    Have you tried to put yourself in your boyfriends shoes - how would you feel if he was messaging a girl and receiving the same messages that you have been off your friend?

    If you feel like you would be angry/upset, I think that means that it's inappropriate and you need to talk to your friend about how you feel and ask him to stop making the comments that he is.
    Hi @Han93 I think you’re right, if I were him I’d definitely want to at least know about it. I think it’s even harder because my boyfriend has female friends, who I know to be just friends, so I don’t really know how I’d feel if I were in his position.

    Hmm.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
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