Home Health and Wellbeing
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Flare up (TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts)

_AJ__AJ_ Posts: 83 Budding Regular
Hi all, 
The last few days I’ve been experiencing a real flare up in my mental health: anxiety and depression appear to be circling round each other; my hallucinations are constant and my self harm has been a lot more frequent (I’m keeping myself safe though). Unfortunately with my voices being worse, that’s really triggered my suicidal feelings as well- the voices I hear are very threatening and encouraging me to hurt myself. I’m feeling really hopeless and lonely at the moment and just overwhelmed and scared. I’m trapped in an unhappy place at home and getting hurt and I hate being stuck here. I just want to reach out. I don’t know what to say. My therapist is in annual leave and so I won’t get to speak to her for a while and I’m scared to tell the chaplain (who I’m really close to) how bad I’m really feeling when we speak tomorrow in case I worry her. I just need a hug. 
Much love, 


  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 624 Moderator
    Hey @_AJ_ It seems like you are going through a lot at the moment with different things and that can be quite overwhelming and difficult so sending lots of hugs your way  <3

    You also mentioned that you have been self harming more regularly, is there anything that you have done before that helps you too manage the urges? Here at The Mix we have an article about different self harm distractions, may be worth a read if you feel ready to!  :)

    It sounds like you are struggling more with your voices at the moment, which is causing you to experience more suicidal feelings which doesn't sound easy at all. Just wanted to check in, are you managing to keep yourself safe at the moment? I'll also pop some crisis resources in the spoiler below in case you feel you need them at any point. <3

    Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 and talk to them about anything. 

    Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123. They also have some online services here. 

    Papyrus have a helpline that is open 9am – 10pm weekdays and 2pm – 10pm on weekends. You can call them on 0800 068 4141. 

    - If you have any concerns for your health or safety, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.  

    Just to clarify, you said you are getting hurt at home in what way do you mean? and do you want to talk more about that?  <3

    Its understandable to feel like you don't know what to say in terms of reaching out, it can be tough to put words together to explain how we are feeling sometimes and that's okay! Also, with your therapist being on annual leave and feeling scared to talk to the chaplain, it will probably be adding to those feelings. Did you manage to speak to her since you first posted this thread? 

    You have done really well to reach out! 

  • _AJ__AJ_ Posts: 83 Budding Regular
    Hey @Jade09
    Thanks for your message and the hugs- they are much appreciated :heart:
    At the moment, managing urges is really hard, because ironically it is one of the only ways I can cope with feeling suicidal. Sometimes I can distract myself, but not always. I've taken a real turn in the past two months or so, which is a little overwhelming. 
    Thanks for the crisis resources too! At the moment its really hard for me to access things due to a lack of privacy at home, but I really appreciate it and the text line sounds really good as I find talking on the phone quite scary. I am keeping myself safe, promise. I am just trying to find little reasons to keep going at the moment, but my thoughts are quite overwhelming. I wonder if you know about how confidential the Mix crisis textline is? 
    I find it quite scary to talk about because I am worried about being judged for it, but I wish I could talk about it more openly. I have suspected ptsd from stuff at home. my mum hurts me sometimes and also says some really nasty things and threats. but then other times we get on well. I'm really scared at the moment as I may not be able to go back to uni next term. 
    I did speak to the chaplain this morning, which helped. I am a bit worried I was too honest as I told her I was feeling suicidal again and also what happened at home over the weekend, but I am just trying to trust that she has always supported me before and never done anything without telling me. 
    Thanks again :heart:
    AJ x
  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 624 Moderator
    No problem at all @_AJ_ and it can be tough to manage urges sometimes especially if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you mentioned that sometimes you can distract yourself and that's awesome, it's about little steps.  <3

    I'm really happy to hear that you are able to keep yourself safe at the moment, and yes of course, you can find more about the service here and this is a list of topics you can talk about and more! on The Mix crisis messenger, Suicidal thoughts, Abuse or assault, Self-harm, Bullying and Relationship breakdowns. If you ask when texting in, the volunteer will be more than happy to share their confidentiality guidelines with you, but in most cases from what i'm aware of they only break confidentiality if they believe you or anyone else is at immediate risk of harm. 

    It's completely okay to find it difficult to talk about some things, if and when you are ready to talk, here at The Mix we will listen and you won't be judged at all. Just to clarify, home life can be pretty tough and the friction is with your mum, is that fair to say? You have done really well to reach out here by the way, it shows real strength.  <3

    It's positive that you felt able to speak to the chaplain and was honest with her, it's understandable that you may feel worried about being too honest though but it seems you have a lot of trust in her which is really good.  :)

  • _AJ__AJ_ Posts: 83 Budding Regular
    Hey again @Jade09
    Little steps indeed- currently just trying to get from one day to the next and my biggest motivator is needing to know what happens in the next episode of Greys anatomy. Small reasons...? 
    Cool- I always worry a lot about confidentiality as I’m really scared of what will happen if I tell someone how I feel and what’s actually going on. 
    Yes- that sounds right. My dad can be tricky too at times but less so. I feel really guilty saying there is a problem- I was saying this morning how actually I try to hide any marks because I’m ashamed of what happened to me. 
    I do trust her- I’m really lucky to have have come to speak to her :heart:
    Aj x
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