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Scared of hurting or frightening my partner.

finnfinn Posts: 12 Confirmed not a robot
I have a really embarrassing issue and i'm worried that it will force me girlfriend into leaving me. I adore her and always want whats best for her and so i'm hoping to pick some brains on here, to see if by any chance someone else has experienced the same issues or just by getting some tips on how i can tackle the problem head on.

Long story short, i'm scared of hurting my partner during sex and so.. we just don't have sex. There has been many of times where we've been close but i always bring it to an end by telling her that i'm just not ready. She is understanding, she is great but i know that she won't want to wait for me forever. She has already asked me whether its because i don't find her sexually attractive and i do, i definitely do i just don't want to hurt her.

It's not something i have ever talked about with her but from the age of 8-13 i was sexually abused by a family friend and so for me, for many years any sexual attention i received was scary and at times excruciatingly painful. I know it's different circumstances but i don't want her to feel the same way that i did and i don't want her to hate me the same way that i hated the person who hurt me. It's difficult to explain but i hope this makes sense.

I wonder maybe, whether it is just because i'm not yet ready or whether i'm just better off single.


  • ThePigeonsThePigeons Posts: 199 Trailblazer
    So sorry you had to go through that. I experienced something similar but was afraid that it would hurt me. I think talking about it would help in that you could find a way together to make this work. So you can take little steps and see what makes you feel more at ease.

    So if you are comfortable you can talk with her about it. Also you could envision both situations to see if you if you're ready.
    ᴛʜᴇ ᴍɪɴᴅ ɪs ᴛʜᴇ ᴋᴇʏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ sᴇᴛs ʏᴏᴜ ғʀᴇᴇ
  • Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Posts: 1,333 Wise Owl
    Hey its completely understandable considering what you went through and I'm sorry to hear that it happened to you. 

    When it comes to sex, my rule of thumb is to always have an open and honest conversation and to make sure that you're both absolutely ready and comfortable.  

    It's not uncommon for sex to be  a little uncomfortable especially if you're still new to having sex. It took my partner and I 4 tries (all spaced out) before I could have sex comfortably. Form some, discomfort is inevitable and if you do go ahead, don't be afraid to try lubricant. 

  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 928 Part of The Mix Family
    edited April 2020
    Hi @finn

    So sorry to hear about what you went through.  I'm pleased you felt able to share this with us, we are here for you :heart:

    Just echoing what the others have said, communication is key. I understand it could be a difficult conversation to have, so do remember there is no pressure to speak until you feel totally ready :heart: You could even show her this post - as you explained your thoughts and feelings very well here. 

    I also wanted to say that the fact you have been able to identify the cause of these feelings shows that you are very self aware, which is a great strength to have and one that I believe will help you through this. I am just wondering if you have received any support concerning the abuse, or if this is something you would be willing to look into? 

    Take good care x

  • finnfinn Posts: 12 Confirmed not a robot
    @ThePigeons @Salix_alba_2019 @coc0mac

    Thank you everyone for the advice. I know that I should be honest about it and I also know that she would be great and supportive if I did tell her but if I’m honest, I’m just not ready to say it and to admit what had happened.

    It doesn’t affect me, in fact I had pushed it right to the back of my mind. Thoughts and feelings from the abuse sometimes come back but  I tend to ignore them or let them come out in bursts of anger.

    its just recently in the bed room where I’ve been finding things difficult to cope with and it really is just worry about my partner having the same experience that I did, I know that it’s not the case. It’s hard to explain and probably sounds stupid hence not reaching out about it inrl🤦🏻‍♂️

    Thanks everyone 

  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,226 Master Poster

    I think sexual abuse can affect people throughout their entire lives even if they don’t realise it, especially in terms of relationships and sex because I can imagine it is a big trigger for many people.

    I think it’s really important that you do talk to your partner, it’s really hard but if she’ll be supportive it’ll definitely be helpful and means she will know it’s not a personal thing (i.e. you do find her attractive it’s just how your past is affecting you).

    As salix said, sex can be uncomfortable at first for some women but some don’t find it uncomfortable at all (I didn’t) so be reassured by the fact that realistically it shouldn’t hurt her too much if at all.

    I know it’s hard but honestly communication in relationships especially about things like this is so so important. How long have you and your partner been together and (if you don’t mind me asking) how old are you guys now? It’s just for a bit of context really. 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • finnfinn Posts: 12 Confirmed not a robot

    Thank you for the reassurance, I know that it shouldn’t hurt her I think I’m just being a stress head.

    We are both 17 and have been in a relationship now for a little under 2 years 
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,226 Master Poster
    finn said:

    Thank you for the reassurance, I know that it shouldn’t hurt her I think I’m just being a stress head.

    We are both 17 and have been in a relationship now for a little under 2 years 
    You are the same age as me and I’ve also been with my partner for just under 2 years! Scary eh?

    You’re not a stress head it’s understandable that you feel the way you do, @finn
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Tee ATee A Posts: 123 The Mix Convert
    Hi @finn

    What you have said makes complete sense and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I am sorry to hear this has happened to you. 

    I agree with @independent_, communication is very important. You sound like you are in a very caring relationship so I do not think your girlfriend would turn down a serious conversation with you, especially not one about your well-being, regardless of what the topic may be. 

    I'd suggest telling her as much detail as you feel comfortable enough to share with her, as this may enable her to understand how you feel. It is very caring of you to consider how she may be feeling but you could give her the opportunity to understand how you may be feeling. 

    I hope this helps. 

    Tee A :3
  • finnfinn Posts: 12 Confirmed not a robot
    @Tee A

    Thank you. I have no doubt that she would be understanding and supportive, i guess its just the struggle of finding the words to actually say what's going on. I'm going to have a good think about it and then hopefully discuss with her our next steps on tackling this issue.
    independent_Tee A
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