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fear of my boyfriend breaking up with me- i love him with all my heart

MathLilyMathLily Posts: 6 Confirmed not a robot
Dear Mix,

my name is Lily and I have finally found the courage to come back on here without any panic attacks (i am the girl who got disowned by family and was going through depression last year and trying to get the courage to come back here had been hard as i had panic attacks and flashbacks to when i was back with my parents asking for your help). You are all so wonderful and I am so happy to be back here and I really feel like  I need your help as again I am not okay and really frightened- this is a completely different thing for me  and my friends i feel like have moved on from me and they don't speak to me anymore and i don't understand why :'(

you all and my social worker helped me to move away and pluck up the courage and make the choices i wanted to which were to be with my boyfriend and do my chosen job and maths degree and the plan worked and i am so much happier now as i have my own apartment and I am reunited with my boyfriend and I am able to do my dream job and starting my third year of my maths degree in october. 

Everyone, I shall tell you what happened during the summer. The man who i thought would be my friend i confided in him after having a panic attack at the train station and he told me he would be my friend and help me find my boyfriend again as my parents made me lose access to social media and my boyfriend and i was so scared and depressed and also to get away from my parents. He told me to leave home and stay with him temporarily but he became terrifying and made me do horrible things for him and pretend to be his girlfriend and he told me he would throw me out if i doidnt and i didnt remember the addess of my boyfriend and i had no way to contact him as the man who i thought was my friend wouldnt let me contac my boyfriend and told me he wanted me and said scary threats to me and made me wear a nappy :'( . I was so scared because i did not love this man i have always loved my boyfriend and was too frightened to get support and get someone to help me but i did get the opportunity to escape and spoke to my friend and my friend helped get me out of there and got that man well away from me and it took me so much time to get over my anxiety of getting over that and fright as it was horrible and i just wanted to get out of my parents house and thought i could trust that man but i couldnt and i trusted someone too easily as i trust people too easily and was in as equally a bad- if not worse environment as i was living with my parents who used to hit me, scream at me, tell me im worthless and call me name daily and i felt so depressed and suicidal through both these times.

as soon as i got out of that place i contacted my boyfriend but i did not tell him what happened as i was so panicked and frightened from it and i just wanted to be in his arms. he looked after me and was so happy to see me and still loved me. I was so frightened to call him again but my friend was there with me and encouraged me to call my boyfriend and i did and he was so happy to hear from me and he took me out and met up with me and helped me find somewhere to stay and i stayed with my boyfriend until i got my own apartment. When i got my apartment my boyfriend came in and stayed with me there.

But at christmas during intercourse he suddenly told me this : "i am leaving lily" and i was confused and i thought he was joking and then he told me that he was serious and packed his things up and went to leave. I was so panicked and i begged for him not to leave but he kept pushing me away and wouldnt answer me when i asked him what was wrong as i was so frightened and worried about him or if something happened to his famil. He then confronted me about the summer and toldme that he had hired a private investigator on me and that scary man and that he knew everything and saw us holidng hands in public and kissing (which i was extremely frightened to do but i was forced int o this and in a panic as i feared of being in the street or something would happen to me from this man it was so scary and i am crying as i type this because it scares me so much even though this man can never et to me again but i am so scared and upset from it and it gives ,e so much panic) i am so sorry everyone it is so hard for me to type this but i must be brave and get support as i cannot cope because i feel like my boyfriend wont let go of this and he keeps holding it against me :'( i told my boyfriend what happened and he heard me and believed me and did not leave and stayed but i was so sad. h econfronted me about this at the stary of the new year. I feel so sad he got a private investigator on me and that this private investigator ( who he will not tell me the name of) knows out there that i am a cheater or not a good girlfriend (which is unfair as i did not want this to happen to me i should have never trusted that man i thought he would be a nfriend and help me like he said i would and he didnt and i feel like its all my fault. My boyfriend told me it would take years for him to get over this. it was so horrifying as i did not see that coming and my boyfriend getting up and leaving made me so scared as he is the love of my life and i would never ever cheat on him and i love him so much and i hope he understands this :'(

he bought up the horrible summer when i was cooking for him the dinner and told me this :"it still bothers him what happened with that man" , that he would "never give me a second chance" (he still thinks i did what i did with that man on purpose but i didnt i just wanted the man to help me get out of my parents home.). and that "he knew there was a way i could contact him" i had a panic attack as i hate the past being bought up and burst into tears and had to reiterate that i didn t want it to happen and apologised and that i didnt cheat on him but my boyfriend told me "i could have contacted him" but my boyfriend didnt knowthat this man would hit me or hurt me if i tried to contact any of my friends :'( i explained this to him and he told me this "i want to believe you lily but im not sure" "it will take years to get over this" and i feel so sad because i had forgotten about it until he bought it up. i  had with my councellor as i was going through extreme anxiety and depression - written a letter to explain what happened to my boyfriend but not finished it as we came to a conclusion i wouold tell him as i tell my boyfriend everything and i love him so much and i wanted him to know i am scared of somethinbg and i want him to know and help me as it scares me daily and my boyfriend would notice me crying for no reason because of my horrible past and i wanted him to know why. I showed him that letter too but i wanted to tell him before he confronted me :'( i just feel worthless and i feel like he doesnt trust me even though he tells me he does.

The words i cannot get out of my mind of him telling me "never a second chance", "im leaving lily" he tried to leave again in an argument and he has said things like "how would you survive with out me?" and he told me he wants to marry me but when i bought it up again he said this :"that is years away" i feel frightened and i love this man with all ym heart and want to marry him one day and i know i am only 20 but he is the one and i truly love him but ever since i told him of my past and he found out i am just frightened that he will get up and leave like he tried to before :'(  he also sings brown eyed girl to me when i have blue eyes but slight heterochromia of brown in middle ( i have had iris implants to help me with sight issues in addition and he thought i was wearing contacts as i hadve a slight pixelated pattern on my iris but it still is my natural blue) which i am not and shined light into my eyes and i think he may have been trying to determine if they weere lenses or not and i was too frightened to say it made me feel unconfortable. My boyfriend would comment on my eyes being big and seeing reflection in them ( i have big eyes).  My boyfriend has also told me he plans on going to Dubai or abroad to do his masters and i am frightened he will break up with me. he told me this: "lily if i wanted to break up with you- i would do it over the phone" which makes me feel sad as it gives me the impression that he has thought how he would break up with me and i am now frightened that i will suddenly get a break up message over the phone when he goes travelling for a year without me :'( i would wait years for this man as he is the love of my life and i am so frightened that he may break my heart by leaving me. i have told him i love him forever and i tell him regularly and he just says :awww sweetie. i hope he feels the same way i feel. The mix, i am so sorry this is so long but i am so frighteend he will break up with me in the future and the past and things he have said make me feel so depressed and anxious and i cant stop crying and want to not worry about this and just want it to all be fine :'( i am so greatful that you have read this and i really need your help :'( i hope he doesnt leave me :'( will he leave me if he goes abroad for a year or 2?


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    Tee ATee A Posts: 123 The Mix Convert
    Hi there @MathLily

    Welcome back. 
    I am very happy to hear that you feel you have grown so much as a person.

    However, I am also very sorry to hear what you are going through right now. 

    I will try my very best to give you some advice on everything you have discussed. 

    To begin with. The incident over summer sounds very serious. I hope you have someone to confide in or feel free to message one of us for 1-2-1 support. You a very brave for sharing this with The Mix. That sounded like an incredibly scary situation to be in. Do not blame yourself. You are not accountable for how someone else acted towards you. This sounds like someone took advantage of you.
    To me this sounds very serious as I am assuming you did not consent to the things this man requested. 
    I have attached a link which clarifies consent further. 
    I have attached a NHS link for support following sexual assaults.

    With regards to your boyfriend, I am sad to hear that your relationship sounds a bit rocky at the moment. One thing that most couples struggle with, is clear communication. It can be easy to believe that each partner is listening to one another because they give a response, however a response does not necessarily mean the other person is listening. Maybe try to listen to understand, not listen to respond. I only suggest this because it seems as though you may feel your boyfriend is feeling different emotions to you (e.g. how he feels about your future together or apart). Maybe try to initiate a conversation, not an argument, with him whereby both of you can get everything 'out in the open'. 

    Relationship break-downs are never easy for anyone. However, maybe try not to let your mind think about things such as break-ups when they have not happened. Maybe try to rationalise your own thoughts away.
    Has he broken up with you? No 
    Why do I think he has? ...

    I am also aware of your depression and anxiety. I think it may be a good idea to put yourself and your mental health first. I have attached links relating to depression and anxiety and how this may impact or be impacted by your relationship. 

    You seem like you have been through a lot so try not to forget to put yourself first! You are so young and have done so well for yourself! You have achieved lots more than people your age. Try to remember this when you are feeling down. Don't hinder your self and accomplishments for a boy, especially considering how young you are. Try to enjoy the relationship now and maybe try to rebuild it with him. 

    I hope at least some of this was helpful!

    Tee A :3
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    MathLilyMathLily Posts: 6 Confirmed not a robot
    Hello Tee A,

    Thank you so much for giving me some help here as I truly need to reach out and have some help as i really love my boyfriend and my past was horrifying and caused me anxiety and made me frightened of many things. I know I am safe from that man now as i took action to keep him away.  I looked at those links and have used them. I was getting over the summer as i filled my things with thinhgs I loved but my boyfriend recenelty bought it up again and my anxiety has been awful :"(

    I am so frightened about the relationship. I asked him how he felt and he said he feels different about me but loves me very much and wants to stay. he told me if he wanted to have left me he would have as he knew all along. I just need to get this horrible thing out of my head as his words hurt and the event was horrible :'( and made me so scared. I am trying my best to get over it by doing my favourite hobbies and talking to a councellor who can help me but i feel like sometimes they are too busy hence why i have come to you all here because I know you will always support me and want the best for me. My anxiety has been awful because of when my boyfriend bought it up recently and with the things he has said about our relationship :'( it is because i really love him with all my heart and know he is the one. It is the flashback to those words and what happened over the summer but my councellor is helping me get better. 

    Tee A you are correct in that i should put myself first more - as i tend to put others first and care more about others. I am being brave and going to go dancing this weekend and continue with maths and software to keep myself happy. We did speak about it and i told him to tell me if he had any concerns or upsets to come to me and i would always love and support him and he said he will but he hasnt said anything to me but i can tell he seems down. 

    You are very kind tee A and i really appreciate your blessings- I am so happy with my career and my degree i am so excited to continue with in october. I know my bouyfriend loves me very much and i will always love him with all my heart and i sincerely hope he doesnt break up with me. All i can do is stay postiive and smile and try my best i can and know i love him with all my heart.
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