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uni/the future/general mh
for quite a while i wasn’t planning on going to uni bc school has been really tough on my mental health and i thought it might be better for me not to go. then my boyfriend looked at royal holloway and said it was really nice and we started talking about if we went to uni together and i started looking into different places. i did my ucas application in year 12 for french and italian and i got all of my offers: three AAB, ABB from royal holloway (the one i want to go to most) and one BBB. i felt like this was fairly achievable, and i also have something on my application written by my school saying that i’ve struggled with my mental health for a long time and basically making unis aware that it might affect my exam grades and that i’d need support at whichever uni i went to. we’ve just done our mock a levels, and i got ADD with the A in french. i’m struggling not to be really disappointed in myself and it’s brought my mood down a lot because it feels like i’ll never be good enough. i have been struggling with my mental health a lot again recently, particularly during mocks so maybe it’s a reflection of that. i’m finding it hard because my boyfriend got A*AB in his mocks and his offer from royal holloway is also ABB so he’s probably going to be able to get there, and he’s also starting to arrange work experience for his gap year (we’re both taking one) and i just feel so far behind like i’ll never catch up. i’ve always found it really difficult to picture the future, or even imagine that i have one, and at the moment it just feels like after school finishes there’s a black hole that is the future that i have to jump into and find my way, and this has been making me feel extremely anxious. i’m very young in my school year, and i just feel like i’m a child and everyone else is growing up and i’m going to get left behind. my boyfriend is really supportive and i’ve talked (and cried) to him about all these feelings and he said some helpful things and that he’ll always be with me to help me along, but i’m worried that if i don’t start to be even just a bit more independent that i’ll always be clingy and anxious and not be able to do anything on my own and end up stuck at home terrified of everything. i’m trying to just take things one day at a time, but it’s really hard when teachers keep talking about our futures and everyone around me is getting excited and planning all the fun things they want to do that i just feel completely incapable of even thinking about. i also recently had my camhs referral accepted, so i’m on the waiting list for an appointment but it could be a while before i get one. i’m scared i won’t get an appointment before i turn 18. i’m scared they’ll tell me there’s nothing wrong with me and i’m being a baby and need to suck it up and grow up. i’m scared they’ll tell my there are multiple specific things wrong with me and that maybe i won’t get better. i really need more professional support though. i just feel very stuck but also lost. i don’t know who i am and i don’t know how to cope with my massive fear of the unknown and the future